Crazy insane take uncountable

I'm sitting here with a razor blade in front of me.It's almost time for work to start and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry... but who would save me? Who can save me? I'm a disaster. I see no other way to go to work than to cut. Cutting is my only option if I want to go to that horrible place, if I am to take abuse from so many customers. To get yelled at by the masses. maybe if I kill myself. I could do it right now. Just grab a bottle and down it. I need an escape. I need to get out I can't do this any more. I'll do anything to get out of here ANYTHING.... but I'm scared to die alone. I don't want to lose Hancel but this job is taking her away. I'm drifting further and further away from her. I'm so scared.

I just can't cut deep enough to make the pain go away. Why am I so afraid. why why why why why why why why why whwy hwy why why why why why why whyw hwy why why why whwyw whwy whwyw hwy whwy whwy

I can't do this anymore I just can't.... no one understands how hard it is, no one knows what I go through every day. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!. I can't deal with that job. even if I don't go today I'll have to go tomorrow. If I don't go tomorrow then the next day or the next day or the next day or the next day until I go back or am fired. WHY CAN"T I DO ANYTHING!!!. I heard a scream

This is a breakdown, I'm having a mental breakdown.... it doesn't feel as good as my other ones this one is murder... this feels like when I tried suicide last time... a hint perhapse. try again maybe....

Ok... I'm calm-ish... my head is throbbing... I have headach pills. I could go get them.... I think they're on this desk.... one pill....just one.....they're in my hand.
 Ok I took one. Just one.

I want more. I started laying them on the desk, they're right there for me to take. Just take the bottle and I'm done. I'll never have to go back to that place again and no one would blame me. I mean it's been a long time coming right? Yes it has. If I do it I can be happy. Just another pill... one at a time.  Be a good girl and make the smart decision. Take the pills. It's the perfect escape. Come now alice.

Fuck

So I'm sitting in my fucking apartment having just gone on stress leave from my job. My wonderful job. I don't really have much to say about it except it's a callcenter and when my life is loaded full of shit I can only take so much extra from work. I want a job where I go and I work and then go home. Not one where I get yelled at by some douchebag who's tv is on the fritz or some bitch who can't use a computer. I used to be amazing at dealing with that shit but since going on antipsychotics I'm not. Who would have thought that psychosis would make me good at my job. So I'm off for two weeks and then I go back. I fully intend on going back and hope I can make things work but if I can't then I'll have to get by and look for work elsewhere. I don't usually think of leaving my job but since they put me on disciplinary action level 2 for being absent with a doctors note things have changed.

Oh I forgot to mention: Rage Mania. Been having that all day and it's about as fun as shooting yourself in the eye with a nailgun repeatedly. I was going to stay up and work on my writing but thanks to rage mania I'm probably just going to down some liquor and go to sleep because I can't deal with this feeling.

This is my life, I'm poor and at risk of losing my job. I wouldn't give a fuck normally but I have a cat who isn't allowed to live with y parents if I were to move back and there is no way in fucking hell that I am being seperated from Artemis. You would have to pry him from my cold dead hands to seperate us, or I his.

Anyway life sucks and I'm out.

Daddy Issues

Who would of thought after all these years I'd still have daddy issues. and who would have thought that when I'm this stage in transition and a spokesperson on the topic that I'd still cry over the years I lost. I would give anything to go back and live a teenager as a female The way it was supposed to be. I wish I could erase all the memories of fights at school and at home. I wish that I could have been close to my father and not so distant, someone who could have come to the hospital with me and who would check up on me. but I didn't have that, and I don't have that.

I wish I could be adopted. Take on a second father and get a second chance at what I desire. Someone who would scold me if I did poorly in school, and praise me for doing well. Someone who would spend time just being close to me in a maternal fashion. I wish with all my heart, and I know if I keep wishing that it won't happen. I'm too old and I'm a burden that no one would willingly take on. As I write this I sit with a razorblade in front of me, I slid it across my wrist a few times but it just didn't cut... I'm too gentle. I'll probably use a paperclip. As these memories and wishes are scars upon my mind so too will they be scars on my body. I'll be going to work in bandages again. I'll be harassed for it as usual. and people will ask what happened. I'm past the point of hiding bandages. I'm sick of suffering inside alone.

It's amusing how I help so many people in the community, and I'm such an activist yet I'm so riddled with my own issues. I do everything to help others but recieve none in return.

I' tired. I' going to put on some music, cut, and sleep... what a stereotype, i should take y medication, too bad it won't kick in before I do some damage.

Edit ** I did it, I cut with a razor blade, I've tried so many times and stopped out of fear but I did it... I just had to press harder and try not to tremble. It's beautiful, just what I deserve. This is the punishment I get for living the way I did. Good job Alice you worthless piece of shit! Wonder what else you can do to yourself while we're at it.

Psychosis Medicated

So the 28th finally came and my doctor put me on "risperidone" which is an antipsychotic used to treat a great many things, all of which I have. I have high hopes for this drug however so far at this hour I just encountered my most horrifying hallucination ever. It has worked well up until this point though so I'm not going to get too bent out of shape. I am to call my doctor on Friday if the medication has not started working. Her normal starting dose is half a milligram but due to my symptoms and the severity she started me on 2 milligrams which on the first day of taking it: Knocked me on my ass and made me rather stoned. It wast very much fun. I don't want to be high I just want these silly drugs to work and make the voices and monsters go away. The one now occasionally screams and it's fucking horrifying. I'm hoping it will go away with the sun coming up because aside from being horrified I'm pissed as I need to use the bathroom but with that "thing" out there there's no way in hell I can leave this computer chair. This one is coming closer than any other hallucination has in a long time. I'm rather surprised I'm not losing my cool, I almost went to stay at a friends house but since it's dawn I decided not to as I'm usually okay at dawn and dusk. For some reason they calm me and make all horrifying things go away.

Other than that there isn't much to report. I went to a feminist conference recently for young women but I won't rwrite about that right now. Perhapse another blog entry I'll cover that.

Seeya.

Oh bye the way: Everything I'm diagnosed with (Bipolar, BPD, Psychosis) I totally said I had before the doctors diagnosed me. I might as well have been my own doctor. I know self diagnosing is frowned upon but I really did an impeccible job at it and despite how pissed I am at the outcome of the evaluations I'm glad that I succesfully diagnosed myself correctly as it really helped me convey relevant information to doctors and keep logs of what was happening. I even got to tell them my imput and they didn't shoot me down, only one nurse but she turned out wrong and who cares about nurses anyway lol! Just kidding! =^_^=

Bye for real now... really need to pee soon T_T"

I'm So Tired

I don't belong here. I'm not supposed to be 22. I wish more than anything I could go back and get a second chance, I feel this every day. I always said I'd live without regrets and this is my only one... not being born a girl. My entire childhook/adolescence was ruined. I'll never have grown up how I should have. I'll never know who I could have been and I'll always have those memories of being a boy. There is no going back to the ppast in this world.  I don't want to be here anymore. I want to get sucked into a television somewhere and just live in a strange far away land where I would fit in better, somewhere I can start again and build necessary life skills from the start.

I just don't get this world it doesn't make sense to me, it's like I shouldn't even be here. I wish I knew if there were other worlds out there... I hate it here. I'm such a coward living in fear of what lies in the hallway, I want to sleep right now but I can hear them making noises and I can't sleep until dawn when they go to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if they're real or not like right now...

The psychiatrist in training once asked me what happened if I stared at them, I told him firmly that I don't. He asked me why and I said because it's terrifying. He asked me what I thought would happen and I admitted to having tried it once which resulted in me on the floor cryingand shaking. I don't know what I was saying. I just need and want to sleep and dream, dreams are where I belong but I can't with them being so rowdy I worrry they'll come in the living room while I'm asleep and take over my last safe place...

It's Becoming Too Much

I missed work today, I had been doing pretty good at hanging on I thought I mean I usually miss a day a week but I was hanging on but today I lost it again. I woke up and the world was a haze, my head ached and I wanted to vomit, the first thing I did when I woke up was put a razor to my wrist, I came so close to cutting I began sliding and it began to bite into my skin leaving no mark, then someone knocked on my door. It was Chris. He asked how I was and wished me well hoping I got better, I could actually see a genuine concern on his face, later looking in the mirror I looked horrid, like some crazy women from a movie... my apartment matched my appearance a horrid mess. The fact he visits me is shocking.

Later I went to meet Shawna, on the way there I stepped on a bird, it screamed in horrid pain, or maybe it was a mouse but I realized later it could only have been a bird. it was dark and raining. I was going to get my medications refilled, I held my head crying trying to catch my breath... I retraced my steps... there was nothing there... just another hallucination, I heard screams of monsters that are not from any movie as I walked the streets getting splashed by inconsiderate motorists. I managed to comandeer 3 tablets of Valium, perhapse it will be good enough to get me to work...

Oh I forgot to mention, I had the strangest sensation today... it was actually horrifying and I hope I can shake it so it never happens. While I held the razor to my wrist I had the sudden impulse to raise it to my eye and slash my eye out, my right one specifically, it was the most terrifying thing I covered my eye quickly in case my arm moved of it's own accord a very logical concern for how my mind has been.

I don't think I'm safe to be alone. I'm a serious risk to myself... however there is nowhere I can go or else I would. All I can do is keep resisting my urges to destroy myself, it is becoming harder and harder for me to manage this... whatever it is. I'm pretty sure it's "Psychosis" or "Schizophrenia" from what I've researched, doctors have speculated it as a high possability aswel. I have to make it to the 28th but even 5 minutes after writing this I could lose myself again and pick up a razor.

Revolting.

I don't know how much longer I can exist like this. If my existance is so miserable then why am I living it. Why do I even bother staying here?! I wish I could just dissapear to a place where no one knows me and maybe I'd stand a chance at making friends, then again I am quite unsightly so that's unlikely. I'm so pained everyday I'd happily just give myself away to someone who would take care of me. I'm so tired of all of this. I hate it here, I can't accept this cruel world. I am not good at being alone, it fucking kills me every day. WHY ME?!?!

I've decided not to use facebook anymore, I can't take logging on and seeing so many people talking and spending time together,  Making plans with people who never follow through, losing friends and gaining more fake ones... 169 friends and I can't be sure if even 1 of them are real. I resent everyone. I go to work as much as I can it's a miracle I can even make it with the chaos I fight every night. Then at work I try to stay as normal as I can and pretend to be happy like everyone else. "Thank you for calling" "We appreciate you" Being so kind to all these people who look past me and would walk by me if I was laying in a gutter. Why do I live?

The things in the hall were at it again last night, I didn't outright see anything except an illusionary girl at the superstore when I went but the things in the hall let me know they were there. It was the first time I can recall but I heard voices in my head, I've been doing it more since. They had me convinced that if I used a razorblade to cut my wrist open then they would leave me alone, I believed them and I still kind of do. If hallucinations are in my head and my head says they'll go away if I give them my blood then logically since it's the only thing that can take them away doing so will likely make it happen... but I didn't instead I cried and cried and drowned out my tears with sleeping pills to make it all stop. The voices said I would be pretty and beautiful if I used a razor to slice my wrists, they made it sound so wonderful...  As much as I want friends I can understand why they wouldn't want the burden of Alice

I need to try harder to stay away from people.. maybe if I get away from them I won't hope for friends anymore. I've tried the whole "being close" thing but the rejection is unfathomable. I'm thinking about moving... maybe to toronto, there's more people there maybe out of everyone in that big city one person would care about me... just one and I'd be happy, just to be taken in  fuck it, I know that would never happen.  have nothing to offer I'm useless. I'm a female impersinator and a bad one as far as I'm concerned. My chance to be beautiful and truly a girl has long since passed and so have my chances of freedom, happiness, and success. I need to finish the immigration paperwork for my wife, she deserves at least that much. then I'll decide what I do about me and my pseudo-existence

From: Guilty Crown