Life is the usual. Since I left school nothing has changed at all except life has gotten a lot more troublesome. No actually maybe troublesome isn't the word I should use....Let's say unexpected, it sounds much more happy. Kids back at school are causing trouble for Katelyn and trying to do the same for me. Almost all of my good friends have made a move on Katelyn and made a bullshit excuse to cover it up. Like depression or some other crap. The only person I can really trust besides Katelyn is Alex. After all these years of people being my friends it is funny that one of my first friends from grade 3 would see me back at this point in the road. I am glad to have him with me. Only him and Katelyn have helped me in these troublesome times. Everyone else who has claimed to look up to me has long since turned their back for their own selfish reasons. They enjoy chaos no matter what they say that is how it is.
Oh well through it all I have learned who my real friends are. Through all the lies I have found truth. While I leave them to burn each other alive I am enjoying life more so than ever. So this is happiness. True happiness without limits. I am lucky to have gotten away from it all. Now I know leaving school was the right decision all I have learned is more than I ever have.
Oh I had a job too. I worked at Canadian Tire. I got fired a few days ago though for being too slow. Oh well they expected way too much of me. Blind people need more time to adapt I didn't even work for two full weeks.
So that's pretty much it.
Christmas is coming up!!!
Later.
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
I am starting to wonder If I even have a personality. I flip through so many and it can come abruptly from anything. I don't mean just change in attitude a bit I mean completely different person. I dunno usually I wouldn't type things like this but screw it I don't care. Pretty soon I fear that this will get severe
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Friday, 12 October 2007
I Did it My Way - Frank Sinatra
Well that's that, I left school. Surprisingly it went very well. The principle found me in the hallway laying on the floor listening to music. I think he kind of took pity on me because he said softly "Randy c'mon get up go rest down in the office". He didn't sound angry he sounded more concerned. I probably didn't look too kot laying there feeling terrible. Either way I spoke to him about leaving and he was very understanding. He told me that he thought I would do very well and that this building just wasn't for me. I agreed and he told me to meet with Mr Mguigen (or however you spell his name...Either way he's the youth worker).
I spoke to the youth worker who told me about a youth outreach program to help those who leave school. He gave them a call and I told him that I would come ack the next day to meet with them but after that I wasn't coming back to school anymore. Katelyn was really sad. She wanted me to leave for the betterment of me but she was sad that she would be there alone. I felt terrible.
The next day I came back and sat in the cafateria watching RENT after getting punched by Dan five times in the solar plexis (I think he was upset that I was leaving him). Either way I spoke to the Youth outreach people and I have met with them since they are going to take me out job hunting tuesday.
So now I am where I am now. Living free with no regrets about anything. My parents took it alright and aren't kicking me out of the house though I do have to pay two hundred dollars rent money eveery month. That is no big deal for me though seeing as it comes with electricity food and every other comfort of home.
Right now I am at Beanz just finishing a cherry Italian soda. I am waiting for Katelyn, Sarah, and Neil to show up. All is well in my life. Oh and guess what. After I left those kids got kicked out of the spot we hung out in which is now known as the Crypt as named by me when I left. I got a good laugh out of it. Well I do believe that is all there is to say about that.
I'm out.
I spoke to the youth worker who told me about a youth outreach program to help those who leave school. He gave them a call and I told him that I would come ack the next day to meet with them but after that I wasn't coming back to school anymore. Katelyn was really sad. She wanted me to leave for the betterment of me but she was sad that she would be there alone. I felt terrible.
The next day I came back and sat in the cafateria watching RENT after getting punched by Dan five times in the solar plexis (I think he was upset that I was leaving him). Either way I spoke to the Youth outreach people and I have met with them since they are going to take me out job hunting tuesday.
So now I am where I am now. Living free with no regrets about anything. My parents took it alright and aren't kicking me out of the house though I do have to pay two hundred dollars rent money eveery month. That is no big deal for me though seeing as it comes with electricity food and every other comfort of home.
Right now I am at Beanz just finishing a cherry Italian soda. I am waiting for Katelyn, Sarah, and Neil to show up. All is well in my life. Oh and guess what. After I left those kids got kicked out of the spot we hung out in which is now known as the Crypt as named by me when I left. I got a good laugh out of it. Well I do believe that is all there is to say about that.
I'm out.
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Conversations with a hair dresser
My last few days have been filled with sarrow. It would appear that my schooling is coming to a close if I do not pull my marks up as they say. I am really growing tired, yes tired is the proper word. Going to school day by day is becoming more and more difficult. My peers give me much grief which normally I could ignore and sometimes I still can, but it all gets to be so tireing. I just want a peaceful existance without constant pressure to do well in my academics. The principle is constantly reminding me of how I am to be removed next month at exams if I do not pass. As much as I do not want to be out of school because of my family's pain, I kind of want it all to end so that I may finally have a small period of rest so I may recompose myself.
The Miss WoodWorth has been trying to rebuild my confidence along with Miss Mquaid. Needless to say it has failed. I know what needs to be done and that is simply to get out of school. They try so hard to sway me they really genuinely care about me, and it hurts me to let them down. Oh well, sometimes things are inevitable though people would say that this is my fault and honestly It is my decision but I see no other way.
Katelyn is a tad worried though she doesn't show it often. She shows her concern for my well being but not with school, which I believe to be good I don't want any more pressure. I often wonder what her parents will say about me when they find out that I am not in school. They loved me and got the idea that I would be in their eyes "sucsesfull". I don't really care what they think of me I only care for my relationship with Katelyn. She has assured me nothing will change but I still worry about it often perhaps more often than most things. My thoughts are uncontrolled and hard to put my finger on it reminds me of what I was like while writing HAUD.
I honestly love Katelyn and I feel the need to confess this yet again as I have many times on this site I love her unconditionaly even though I know that word to be false it is the only thing that fits. I just hope nothing will change between us. I hope if Katelyn ever finds this she ill forgive me tfor reffering to her as a her, for I know she believes it to be untrue. I shall have to ask her if she wants me to refer to her as a male constantly.
I have been crying a lot lately especially in my afternoon classes. By afternoon I am pretty much drained of my energy and I need to leave but we all know that is not doable without causing problems. I usually do it anyway. My absence count is probably ridiculous.
I just finished reading a good book by the way. It's called "Sweet Blood".
I have been doing tarot readings at lunch and they have been amazingly acurate. Everyone is quite shocked at how good they were. This makes me quite happy. Through all the pain I still have Katelyn and those who love me. I can still devote myself to others and show compassion so things are not as bad as they could be. I am not alone.
I spoke to my hairdresser about school the other night. Glenda (hairdresser) also dropped out of school because her principle was doing what mine was to me Mr Roach was the man who was cruel and unkind to her. She spoke of how he told her to leave and go work at a grocery store because that is all she would ever amount to anyway. Then she threw her books at his feet and left. She went and became a hairdresser. Though back then you could do that with a grade ten. I could get my GEDs though they would allow me to do that stuff to some extent.
I dunno. I have much to think on. Hopefully my next entry will be more pleasant than this one.
The Miss WoodWorth has been trying to rebuild my confidence along with Miss Mquaid. Needless to say it has failed. I know what needs to be done and that is simply to get out of school. They try so hard to sway me they really genuinely care about me, and it hurts me to let them down. Oh well, sometimes things are inevitable though people would say that this is my fault and honestly It is my decision but I see no other way.
Katelyn is a tad worried though she doesn't show it often. She shows her concern for my well being but not with school, which I believe to be good I don't want any more pressure. I often wonder what her parents will say about me when they find out that I am not in school. They loved me and got the idea that I would be in their eyes "sucsesfull". I don't really care what they think of me I only care for my relationship with Katelyn. She has assured me nothing will change but I still worry about it often perhaps more often than most things. My thoughts are uncontrolled and hard to put my finger on it reminds me of what I was like while writing HAUD.
I honestly love Katelyn and I feel the need to confess this yet again as I have many times on this site I love her unconditionaly even though I know that word to be false it is the only thing that fits. I just hope nothing will change between us. I hope if Katelyn ever finds this she ill forgive me tfor reffering to her as a her, for I know she believes it to be untrue. I shall have to ask her if she wants me to refer to her as a male constantly.
I have been crying a lot lately especially in my afternoon classes. By afternoon I am pretty much drained of my energy and I need to leave but we all know that is not doable without causing problems. I usually do it anyway. My absence count is probably ridiculous.
I just finished reading a good book by the way. It's called "Sweet Blood".
I have been doing tarot readings at lunch and they have been amazingly acurate. Everyone is quite shocked at how good they were. This makes me quite happy. Through all the pain I still have Katelyn and those who love me. I can still devote myself to others and show compassion so things are not as bad as they could be. I am not alone.
I spoke to my hairdresser about school the other night. Glenda (hairdresser) also dropped out of school because her principle was doing what mine was to me Mr Roach was the man who was cruel and unkind to her. She spoke of how he told her to leave and go work at a grocery store because that is all she would ever amount to anyway. Then she threw her books at his feet and left. She went and became a hairdresser. Though back then you could do that with a grade ten. I could get my GEDs though they would allow me to do that stuff to some extent.
I dunno. I have much to think on. Hopefully my next entry will be more pleasant than this one.
Thursday, 20 September 2007
The end of my summer
I haven't blogged in a LONG time. Oh where to start......The beginning I guess that's usually the best place to do so. I got a job over the summer working at Island Chocolates. It was good work and I got all the chocolate I wanted. I enjoyed the people I worked with and I made money. With it I bough a digital camera and a laptop, ther ewas more but it isn't really all that important.
Things are working out with katelyn, we have had out problems but we have worked through them. She got me a promise ring made of gold with three diamonds. It is beatiful but not as beautiful as the promise that goes with it. I love her to death.
Summer ended wel and Katelyn is well aware of me being a transexual she is very accepting of it and actually likes me like that. She doesn't want me any other way, in fact for a little while I was in denial and she helped me feel better. We are going to the guidence office on tuesday to talk about it and the possible routs there are for me to take with this.
I might be getting a job at Resolve now it would be great pay and health coverage to some extent if I work there long enough. Oh there is so much to talk about but I just can't think of it all.
We hung out in the courtyard at the start of the year and all those annoying kids came so we kicked them out. It has been a very different year Katie Dan and I have been taking no crap from anyone. All in all it has been good. This friday we are all getting drunk to celebrate Katelyn not being pregnant. We will be drinking at Alex's house it's to celebrate Trevor leaving, it should be great. I am looking forward to it.
Anyway that's all I guess. So As usual
See you space cowboy...
Things are working out with katelyn, we have had out problems but we have worked through them. She got me a promise ring made of gold with three diamonds. It is beatiful but not as beautiful as the promise that goes with it. I love her to death.
Summer ended wel and Katelyn is well aware of me being a transexual she is very accepting of it and actually likes me like that. She doesn't want me any other way, in fact for a little while I was in denial and she helped me feel better. We are going to the guidence office on tuesday to talk about it and the possible routs there are for me to take with this.
I might be getting a job at Resolve now it would be great pay and health coverage to some extent if I work there long enough. Oh there is so much to talk about but I just can't think of it all.
We hung out in the courtyard at the start of the year and all those annoying kids came so we kicked them out. It has been a very different year Katie Dan and I have been taking no crap from anyone. All in all it has been good. This friday we are all getting drunk to celebrate Katelyn not being pregnant. We will be drinking at Alex's house it's to celebrate Trevor leaving, it should be great. I am looking forward to it.
Anyway that's all I guess. So As usual
See you space cowboy...
Sunday, 24 June 2007
Summer is here
School is over summer is here and I have a job at a chocolate factory. Things aren't going too bad. On the second last day of school me and a couple friends took one of the schools garbage cans and had a bonfire in it, i'd have to say that it was enjoyable.
A while after school ended Sarah Milligan threw a party at her house in which me and Katelyn kinda....errr.....well let's just say that we ended up dating...I hope it goes well.....her she is idealy excactly what I am looking for she is dominant and loving...she makes me feel safe...I just hope it doesn't end up like last time we dated...I am still getting over that.
Lately I have been gaining weight so I decided to go on a diet and so far it is going pretty well if I do say so myself. Not that I want to lose allot of weight but a little would be nice.
Right now I am at Kirk's house recovering from last nights party which was pretty fun. I haven't spent time with Adam in a long while, I never realized how much I missed it.
Oh and a bunch of my friends are leaving at the end of summer, like Trevor, Marylyn, Dave and others I can't think of right now. There was a party at Marylyn's house just a couple nights ago....she is not what I expected her to be like. Not that that is a bad thing I am kind of happy about it. It was just surprising.
I better go
Bye.
A while after school ended Sarah Milligan threw a party at her house in which me and Katelyn kinda....errr.....well let's just say that we ended up dating...I hope it goes well.....her she is idealy excactly what I am looking for she is dominant and loving...she makes me feel safe...I just hope it doesn't end up like last time we dated...I am still getting over that.
Lately I have been gaining weight so I decided to go on a diet and so far it is going pretty well if I do say so myself. Not that I want to lose allot of weight but a little would be nice.
Right now I am at Kirk's house recovering from last nights party which was pretty fun. I haven't spent time with Adam in a long while, I never realized how much I missed it.
Oh and a bunch of my friends are leaving at the end of summer, like Trevor, Marylyn, Dave and others I can't think of right now. There was a party at Marylyn's house just a couple nights ago....she is not what I expected her to be like. Not that that is a bad thing I am kind of happy about it. It was just surprising.
I better go
Bye.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Closing of school
So it is exam time for the grade twelves, my exams start tomarrow. So ya know what this means, no classes for me. I went to Art class yesterday and that was it then I hung out with Dan the rest of the day.
For some reason Mark, Dan, Trever, and me ended up hiking through the woods at the end of the day and I missed my buss which ended up being ok because I got to go to Dan's for the night. Then this morning we almost missed his buss completely.
So I don't really know what it going on today at all I really shouldn't be typing this in the morning but I will probobly be off hanging out for the rest of the day.
Right now I am in the Industrial Tech lab playing Advanced Wars with Kirk on his PSP. I can't believe that it is so close to being the end of the year...I still haven't gotten a summer job and I don't think I ever will so summer will be long and boring to the max...I do not look forward to the end of school this year.
For some reason Mark, Dan, Trever, and me ended up hiking through the woods at the end of the day and I missed my buss which ended up being ok because I got to go to Dan's for the night. Then this morning we almost missed his buss completely.
So I don't really know what it going on today at all I really shouldn't be typing this in the morning but I will probobly be off hanging out for the rest of the day.
Right now I am in the Industrial Tech lab playing Advanced Wars with Kirk on his PSP. I can't believe that it is so close to being the end of the year...I still haven't gotten a summer job and I don't think I ever will so summer will be long and boring to the max...I do not look forward to the end of school this year.
Friday, 8 June 2007
The Green Man is finally finished
I finished my mosaic finaly it has been completed. I will be posting a picture of it as soon as I figure out how to work HTML properly. I am so proud of myself that mosaic toook so long and turned out really well.
So this morning I skipped first period with Kevin and Sam Hamlen (I think that's how it is spelled). We all went down to the store and for some reason Kevin gave me money for Skittles which it ended up that we didn't have enough for anyway but nonetheless he let me keep the money. I come closer and closer to buying drums every passing day. After we got back from the store we decided that we would go into the wods by the school. I found the old fort Imade when I was skipping in a snowstorm with Britney Morgan. The day my trust in humanity nearly broke. Oh and I will be posting Pictures of this fort when I get them and learn HTML.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful which is odd for me because my days are usually action packed....Oh well I guess it's because I was in the art room sweating over a mosaic of The Green Man. After lunch aka:art, I wrote a math test which proved to be fairly easy...or at least allot more easy than I expected.
I am staying at my Aunt Shelley's house this evening so I can transport my mosaic home and show it off to the rest of the family (boy do I want that mosaic home). I don't know what is going on ths weekend I don't thik anything wil end up happening at all...too bad...I haven't spent time with Kirk in a while, I suppose he has been pretty busy with school work and such. He has been stressing out so much, I'm sure he'll be okay in the end though.
This libraary is so dull, I just sit here writing in my blog listening to the clicking of everyones keyboards as they try to get out of school and make something of themselves That or they are slackers just in here to ceck their emails. Either way it is an extremely odd place to be during classes. I would have to say it is one of the most unpleasant libraries that I have ever been in. There is no carpet the floors are while tiles with the occasional tile of a different colour at all. The comuters are in a line on some desks in the corner just the way they want their students. *laughs on the inside*.
Tonight is the last night for anime club which hasen't been going so well lately due to lack of anime. Oh well it was still very enjoyable, and I can't wait till I get to run it. I am so excited, I honestly never thought the day would come but yet I always dreamed of it. Though it leads me to think of what next year will be like or moreover the year after..all of my extremely close friends will be gone and I will be left alone in a sense. I have friends in the younger grades which is really cool because they look up to me as I did Brian and Eva. Life is looking good but at the same time extreely bleak....oh well I guess that's just how it's going to end up.
This is your hapy nekomimi and that's all I have to say about that!
Yuma out =^_^=
So this morning I skipped first period with Kevin and Sam Hamlen (I think that's how it is spelled). We all went down to the store and for some reason Kevin gave me money for Skittles which it ended up that we didn't have enough for anyway but nonetheless he let me keep the money. I come closer and closer to buying drums every passing day. After we got back from the store we decided that we would go into the wods by the school. I found the old fort Imade when I was skipping in a snowstorm with Britney Morgan. The day my trust in humanity nearly broke. Oh and I will be posting Pictures of this fort when I get them and learn HTML.
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful which is odd for me because my days are usually action packed....Oh well I guess it's because I was in the art room sweating over a mosaic of The Green Man. After lunch aka:art, I wrote a math test which proved to be fairly easy...or at least allot more easy than I expected.
I am staying at my Aunt Shelley's house this evening so I can transport my mosaic home and show it off to the rest of the family (boy do I want that mosaic home). I don't know what is going on ths weekend I don't thik anything wil end up happening at all...too bad...I haven't spent time with Kirk in a while, I suppose he has been pretty busy with school work and such. He has been stressing out so much, I'm sure he'll be okay in the end though.
This libraary is so dull, I just sit here writing in my blog listening to the clicking of everyones keyboards as they try to get out of school and make something of themselves That or they are slackers just in here to ceck their emails. Either way it is an extremely odd place to be during classes. I would have to say it is one of the most unpleasant libraries that I have ever been in. There is no carpet the floors are while tiles with the occasional tile of a different colour at all. The comuters are in a line on some desks in the corner just the way they want their students. *laughs on the inside*.
Tonight is the last night for anime club which hasen't been going so well lately due to lack of anime. Oh well it was still very enjoyable, and I can't wait till I get to run it. I am so excited, I honestly never thought the day would come but yet I always dreamed of it. Though it leads me to think of what next year will be like or moreover the year after..all of my extremely close friends will be gone and I will be left alone in a sense. I have friends in the younger grades which is really cool because they look up to me as I did Brian and Eva. Life is looking good but at the same time extreely bleak....oh well I guess that's just how it's going to end up.
This is your hapy nekomimi and that's all I have to say about that!
Yuma out =^_^=
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Empathetic for Mary
Just another day of being kicked out of classes. The teachers don't even open the doors when I knock...gotta stop knocking in a musical fashion. Oh well I get time to myself and time to think about everything, it's been really peaceful.
This morning when I came to school I suddenly felt ill and like something bad was going to happen. Everyone was in a grumpy mood but not even outwardly, it was just a feeling I got and it was so malicious and it made me sick to my stomach. I am however grateful for this because it made me realise something about myself which I have wondered for a long time. I didn't want to label my sensing of emotions or hypersensativity but I have kind of always known that I was different in this aspect...so I am not going to deny it anymore. I am an empath. I don't want too many people to know right away because they will think I am crazy but it makes perfect sense. I was always able to tell how a person was feeling just by being around them for a few seconds and their amotions would effect me in a very intimate way. I always felt a deep connection with people and animals and I was able to dive into their minds and get a better understanding of them. So I am okay with this...It is hard to handle but overall it is quite a blessing.
Recently looking at my blog I have noticed something very disheartening. I haven't given an update on my Great Aunt Mary who was diagnosed with cancer...for this I am greatly ashamed and upset. We found out a while ago that she was terminal...I don't know what to say about it really I don't know what I feel. To be honest I am more worried about her family and mine Mainly Walter (her husband). I don't have time to worry about me because if I get sad then they will worry about me instead of themselves. Last weekend I recieved a cake it was deliciouse filled with jell-o and having dreamwhip covering the top (one of my favorite topings). I learned it was made by Mary which I find peculiar. I mean she is going to die and one of the things she is going to do while going through this process is make me a cake, me the relative who rarely gets in to see her...thinking about this makes me want to cry but such a thing would be impractical in a school library....even though I really want to. I mean if I were dying I would probably do the same thing but...It is just so unexpected and really meaningful. That cake was the most meaningful cake I have ever recieved which is kind of interesting. I have had many cakes in my life and this cake made for me and me alone by this women is the best one shearly because of the circumstances and the extreme care put into it.
I will really miss playing Skat on Canada day and the other odd occasions that we got to go out there. I only ever one once but the money I lost was well spent (not that it was very much seeing that we only bet dimes). I truly and solemly pray that she makes it to Canada day so that I can get one more chance at that tradition before she is gone...Here I was thinking I was a bad person because I didn't cry and get upset like everyone else is probably doing but here typing this I am fighting off tears. I guess I was too busy worrying about Walter and everyone else that I didn't get time to know what I felt.....I hope that's how it is anyway.
Oh and here is a link on empaths it isn't a long thing to read and it will give you a better understanding about what I spoke of in my second paragraph. I don't want any misinterpretations.
http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits_2.htm
That's all for today.
Arivadeirchi
This morning when I came to school I suddenly felt ill and like something bad was going to happen. Everyone was in a grumpy mood but not even outwardly, it was just a feeling I got and it was so malicious and it made me sick to my stomach. I am however grateful for this because it made me realise something about myself which I have wondered for a long time. I didn't want to label my sensing of emotions or hypersensativity but I have kind of always known that I was different in this aspect...so I am not going to deny it anymore. I am an empath. I don't want too many people to know right away because they will think I am crazy but it makes perfect sense. I was always able to tell how a person was feeling just by being around them for a few seconds and their amotions would effect me in a very intimate way. I always felt a deep connection with people and animals and I was able to dive into their minds and get a better understanding of them. So I am okay with this...It is hard to handle but overall it is quite a blessing.
Recently looking at my blog I have noticed something very disheartening. I haven't given an update on my Great Aunt Mary who was diagnosed with cancer...for this I am greatly ashamed and upset. We found out a while ago that she was terminal...I don't know what to say about it really I don't know what I feel. To be honest I am more worried about her family and mine Mainly Walter (her husband). I don't have time to worry about me because if I get sad then they will worry about me instead of themselves. Last weekend I recieved a cake it was deliciouse filled with jell-o and having dreamwhip covering the top (one of my favorite topings). I learned it was made by Mary which I find peculiar. I mean she is going to die and one of the things she is going to do while going through this process is make me a cake, me the relative who rarely gets in to see her...thinking about this makes me want to cry but such a thing would be impractical in a school library....even though I really want to. I mean if I were dying I would probably do the same thing but...It is just so unexpected and really meaningful. That cake was the most meaningful cake I have ever recieved which is kind of interesting. I have had many cakes in my life and this cake made for me and me alone by this women is the best one shearly because of the circumstances and the extreme care put into it.
I will really miss playing Skat on Canada day and the other odd occasions that we got to go out there. I only ever one once but the money I lost was well spent (not that it was very much seeing that we only bet dimes). I truly and solemly pray that she makes it to Canada day so that I can get one more chance at that tradition before she is gone...Here I was thinking I was a bad person because I didn't cry and get upset like everyone else is probably doing but here typing this I am fighting off tears. I guess I was too busy worrying about Walter and everyone else that I didn't get time to know what I felt.....I hope that's how it is anyway.
Oh and here is a link on empaths it isn't a long thing to read and it will give you a better understanding about what I spoke of in my second paragraph. I don't want any misinterpretations.
http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits_2.htm
That's all for today.
Arivadeirchi
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
A quiz
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality/'>http://similarminds.com">personality tests by similarminds.com
Embarassing.
I just got back from the store and it is really hot out. Yet again I am kicked out of english class, boy is that nothing new. I ran D&D at my house over the weekend and we finally got a girl to play, which is great because I am not fond of being stuck in a room with a bunch of boys. I don't know her very well even though we went to the same school for a while. All I know about her is that I used to have a huge crush on her...I wish I could remember how that played out.
I got so embarassed yesterday at lunch. Marc, Marry Lyn, and me were standing at my locker talking about Marc being an english teacher in japan and how his studdering problem would serve to be very amusing. So to throw in a laugh I said in an orielntal accent "How many times do you studder when you say belongs". We all laughed even Marc and then they asked what made me of that particular word. It was a simple anwser because it was on Marry Lyn's shirt which read "My heart belongs to the beach".. Then they asked why I picked that word off of her shirt and yet again a simple reply was made. "because it stands out the most" and of course it is the ONE word on her breasts. I was so embarassed i turned extremely red and everyone laughed and Mary Lyn covered her chest which made me feel even worse. Then we somehow got onto the topic of me being a virgin...that turned out just as good as the last one.
So today I waked up to Dan outside his computer class and he gropes me...nothing new. So I call him a pervert and quickly Marry Lyn throws in "He's the pervert"? So I got embarassed yet again and walked away. She isn't being mean or cruel I am only writing this because she is the first person who can make me extremely embarassed... It's going to feel so awkward around her now.
So anyway moving away from boring stories I am going job hunting yet again tonight...I hope it all goes well for me. Getting a job out here is ridiculously hard, I highly doubt that I will get a job but I will try and hkeep my hopes up. I need money so bad so that I can get a drum set then our band can get some practices in...first we need to decide on a name though. Mikle Hail is going to buy my cane off of me for $45 which is a steal on his behalf but oh well I need the money so I am willing to part with it, besides I am getting a new one.
Oh oh oh and I managed to develope a crush on someone too...which causes problems....allot of problems if it were to get out. I'll just keep it to myself and my blog......I think my blog is secure.
ANYWHOOOOO I'm going to go now and I will hopefully write again soon
See you space cowboy.
Monday, 28 May 2007
Deja vu
I haven't been able to get on here in a while, oh where to start? Last thursday was rather...odd. The entire day was one big Deja vu like the entire thing had happened before in a dream or something. The school held the Arts Coffee House that night and it was very enjoyable. When I got home I had realised that one specific song had been playing in my head the entire day so i thought it was on the CD that Kirk had burned me but I looked and it wasn't.... I don't even know what song it is. So I sat in my bed and I got this warm comforting feeling and I was all dizzy it was undescribable. It was the most wonderfull feeling that I had ever felt in my life. It made me feel like everything was ok and that I was doing things right, so I went to my window and stared at the moon thankfully and then went to sleep.
Other than that nothing has happened just the same old days
Other than that nothing has happened just the same old days
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Accepting
I finally got this to load. I got suspended yesterday for refusing to look in a microscope at a dead animal's cheek. The teacher gave me the option of working with mister cody instead of doing the lab so I did and upon meeting mister cody he suspended me on grounds of not doing my work....How messed up is that? he told me to phone home in hs office and I was so worried that I would lose it and hit him that I just left. I tried to explain myself and begged he let me stay but he simply repeated "phone home". I met him in the hallway two minutes later and he told me to phone home again and I asked him if he was fucking deaf...He looked kind of shocked and the hall way went quiet. When he left a bunch of people were all happy and cheering me on but I didn't feel like a hero of any sort. In fact I felt and still do feel like scum, I was well aware that there was nothing I could do to help myself in this situation...I felt so helpless and that made me more angry. I went to the cafeteria so I could calm down...this was wrong is what I thought, just then Mister cody's voice came over the PA "Randi come to the office ready to leave". That really didn't help my temper, I kicked open the cafeteria doors and went to my science teacher so that maybe she would help me out here I mean she is the one who gave me the option to go work with mister cody so it made no sense to me that I was getting suspended for doing what I was told to do. She wouldn't help me though, she said I was making things difficult and that I could have just looked at the animal even though it is against my religious beliefs and moral code. That was that I was suspended and I couldn't do a thing about it...my class ridiculed me as I left.
Me and my mom talked about it and she is going to go into the school on Tuesday, she isn't completely on my side though which I don't expect after flipping out at the VP.
I feel broken, I lost it so bad. I didn't even think I had that much anger inside of me...I became everything I hate and bathed it it. I wished death on this man and in the back of my mind I really don't think I would care if he were to die a horrible death...That is so terrible to think...I don't know why these thoughts are running through my head but as they do the hurt becomes more and more unbearable. I think I hide it well enough that people don't know but it never goes away.
I almost just left the school and walked to Charlottown and sat on the sidewalk accepting my fate that one day I will have to deal with..Every day I come more and more close to living on the streets with no education and no job. Not that i don't want a job but with this vision It is next to impossible to achieve. I would be truly alone then as I feel now but only a more true and dark loneliness than I currently face....or is that what I want.
My mother claims that I am depressed...I wouldn't call it depressed though, sad would be a better word.
This all also makes me realize that the thought of a sex change or acceptance should be disposed of immediatly. I will always be alone like this nothing will ever fill my inside...I need to accept that....yet though I know what I must do I can't bring myself to do it.
Dark is a comforting word for me now...everytime I hear it I think of solitude and how it would be so safe and I wouldn't have to worry about anything....At the same time it scares me....I don't want to be alone i want to be loved and cared about.....but that will not happen.
That's really all I have to say.
Me and my mom talked about it and she is going to go into the school on Tuesday, she isn't completely on my side though which I don't expect after flipping out at the VP.
I feel broken, I lost it so bad. I didn't even think I had that much anger inside of me...I became everything I hate and bathed it it. I wished death on this man and in the back of my mind I really don't think I would care if he were to die a horrible death...That is so terrible to think...I don't know why these thoughts are running through my head but as they do the hurt becomes more and more unbearable. I think I hide it well enough that people don't know but it never goes away.
I almost just left the school and walked to Charlottown and sat on the sidewalk accepting my fate that one day I will have to deal with..Every day I come more and more close to living on the streets with no education and no job. Not that i don't want a job but with this vision It is next to impossible to achieve. I would be truly alone then as I feel now but only a more true and dark loneliness than I currently face....or is that what I want.
My mother claims that I am depressed...I wouldn't call it depressed though, sad would be a better word.
This all also makes me realize that the thought of a sex change or acceptance should be disposed of immediatly. I will always be alone like this nothing will ever fill my inside...I need to accept that....yet though I know what I must do I can't bring myself to do it.
Dark is a comforting word for me now...everytime I hear it I think of solitude and how it would be so safe and I wouldn't have to worry about anything....At the same time it scares me....I don't want to be alone i want to be loved and cared about.....but that will not happen.
That's really all I have to say.
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Now you see me, now you don't.
I hate meeting people online. I always roleplay as a female and then when they find out I am technically a guy they just avoid me like the plague...It really hurts. Being a transexual is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with acceptance wise. I just want to find a place where I belong....I'll probably be searching for the rest of my life.
I got the no from Zev but it didn't hurt too much, I mean it still hurt as you would expect but he was really sweet about it and was genuinely being caring about it which I am not used to. I hope that maybe someday it will work but I won't get my hopes up. Whatever may happen I just hope he is happy in all he does.
Oh and it has been confirmed that my great aunt has lung cancer, but it operable which is a godsend. I really hope
Walter (her husband) is doing okay aswell. I think it is that time of year when everyone you know has death in the family. Nicole's grandmother died just recently. I really hope Nicole gets feeling better she seems really sad.
The arts coffee house is coming up and Andrew is coming. That more worries me than anything though due to scary kids bugging him. I am submitting my mosaic but I myself may not be attending. I am not sure if I really want to go and deal with everyone.
I watched a movie earlier called "Sublime" it is a great movie and I suggest it to everyone but no one with a weak stomach.
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
Cancer in the family again.
Another fine day, no there is no sarcasm in that statement I think it is really pretty outside today sun and all. So here is the haps of late, my great aunt may have lung cancer. I am fairly worried about her I don't think I can lose many more relatives to cancer. I guess it's a good thing that I gave up smoking,
I may be going to Ottowa this summer on a plane. I have never been on a plane so needless to say I am really scared. I hope I don't get claustraphobic, I have music though so I should be ok.
I wish I could say I had an interesting weekend but all I remember from it were the dreams I had while I slept through it. Wow there is allot of "I;s" in this blog. Its's kind of annoying actually. I have to think of something to replace I's with.
Oh and I (theres that I again) met a pedophile online last night...my mind is broken. I mean you can imagine what it would be like to talk to a pedophile now multiply that by 13 and you should be on track. I have really bad luck with meeting creeps online. I think I may take Kirk's advice and quit gaia aka: the place I meet all these pers.
I don't think I have anything else to write without getting really sad and depressing. Well then I guess i'm out for today.
Arivadeirchie
I may be going to Ottowa this summer on a plane. I have never been on a plane so needless to say I am really scared. I hope I don't get claustraphobic, I have music though so I should be ok.
I wish I could say I had an interesting weekend but all I remember from it were the dreams I had while I slept through it. Wow there is allot of "I;s" in this blog. Its's kind of annoying actually. I have to think of something to replace I's with.
Oh and I (theres that I again) met a pedophile online last night...my mind is broken. I mean you can imagine what it would be like to talk to a pedophile now multiply that by 13 and you should be on track. I have really bad luck with meeting creeps online. I think I may take Kirk's advice and quit gaia aka: the place I meet all these pers.
I don't think I have anything else to write without getting really sad and depressing. Well then I guess i'm out for today.
Arivadeirchie
Friday, 11 May 2007
Lolicon at the anime club
Myfirst entry on this site. Though I have had many blogs in the past I prefer the formating on this site so I will stick with it.
Today was pretty uneventful, I was happy but then sarrow set in for no real reason except the need to remove happines. I know exactly why it happens but I just can't stop it from happening.
Oh well there is no point writing about it since there is nothing to fix it esides medications, which I would rather cut off my own hand than take. Maybe someday I'll be allowed to have true happines....until then I'll hold onto the little things that make me smile.
I am currently at the anime club by the way but I am ignoring the anime because it has loli in it and that reaks me out to no end. Kids in slutey clothing breaks my mind.
Oh I ran my first Dm session last night for D&D, it went fairly well. I was a bit nervouse at first but all in all it came out ok.
I sure hope Zev emails me soon....I miss him. We aren't even dating and I believe I have already fallen in love with him...but this scares me for I know it will end in hurt on my behalf...I'm used to it but I still don't want it to happen. Or at least that is my fear, I hope it doesn't end....I want to stay with him. I think Im getting ahead of myself I dive into things too fast we aren't even dating yet (If we ever do). He is just really sweet. He makes me feel human (or neko =^_^=). He is kind and caring, he writes godly poetry which I have the blessing of reading. I want to be his and I know it is too soon to be thinking these thoughts but I want security and I almost feel that in his arms I can have that....almost. Again I am getting ahead of myself I need to step back.
My sister's birthday party is tonight and they are taking over my basement...WHAT WILL I DO!!!!!!! I guess I'll have time to draw.
I wonder if anyone is reading this. I never told anyone the address and I don't think anyone cares enough to go look for it...Maybe it's better that way, I don't want people to have to listen to my wining about everything.
Oh wells I guess I am out for now.
Byes
Today was pretty uneventful, I was happy but then sarrow set in for no real reason except the need to remove happines. I know exactly why it happens but I just can't stop it from happening.
Oh well there is no point writing about it since there is nothing to fix it esides medications, which I would rather cut off my own hand than take. Maybe someday I'll be allowed to have true happines....until then I'll hold onto the little things that make me smile.
I am currently at the anime club by the way but I am ignoring the anime because it has loli in it and that reaks me out to no end. Kids in slutey clothing breaks my mind.
Oh I ran my first Dm session last night for D&D, it went fairly well. I was a bit nervouse at first but all in all it came out ok.
I sure hope Zev emails me soon....I miss him. We aren't even dating and I believe I have already fallen in love with him...but this scares me for I know it will end in hurt on my behalf...I'm used to it but I still don't want it to happen. Or at least that is my fear, I hope it doesn't end....I want to stay with him. I think Im getting ahead of myself I dive into things too fast we aren't even dating yet (If we ever do). He is just really sweet. He makes me feel human (or neko =^_^=). He is kind and caring, he writes godly poetry which I have the blessing of reading. I want to be his and I know it is too soon to be thinking these thoughts but I want security and I almost feel that in his arms I can have that....almost. Again I am getting ahead of myself I need to step back.
My sister's birthday party is tonight and they are taking over my basement...WHAT WILL I DO!!!!!!! I guess I'll have time to draw.
I wonder if anyone is reading this. I never told anyone the address and I don't think anyone cares enough to go look for it...Maybe it's better that way, I don't want people to have to listen to my wining about everything.
Oh wells I guess I am out for now.
Byes
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