Deja vu

I haven't been able to get on here in a while, oh where to start? Last thursday was rather...odd. The entire day was one big Deja vu like the entire thing had happened before in a dream or something. The school held the Arts Coffee House that night and it was very enjoyable. When I got home I had realised that one specific song had been playing in my head the entire day so i thought it was on the CD that Kirk had burned me but I looked and it wasn't.... I don't even know what song it is. So I sat in my bed and I got this warm comforting feeling and I was all dizzy it was undescribable. It was the most wonderfull feeling that I had ever felt in my life. It made me feel like everything was ok and that I was doing things right, so I went to my window and stared at the moon thankfully and then went to sleep.



Other than that nothing has happened just the same old days

Accepting

I finally got this to load. I got suspended yesterday for refusing to look in a microscope at a dead animal's cheek. The teacher gave me the option of working with mister cody instead of doing the lab so I did and upon meeting mister cody he suspended me on grounds of not doing my work....How messed up is that? he told me to phone home in hs office and I was so worried that I would lose it and hit him that I just left. I tried to explain myself and begged he let me stay but he simply repeated "phone home". I met him in the hallway two minutes later and he told me to phone home again and I asked him if he was fucking deaf...He looked kind of shocked and the hall way went quiet. When he left a bunch of people were all happy and cheering me on but I didn't feel like a hero of any sort. In fact I felt and still do feel like scum, I was well aware that there was nothing I could do to help myself in this situation...I felt so helpless and that made me more angry. I went to the cafeteria so I could calm down...this was wrong is what I thought, just then Mister cody's voice came over the PA "Randi come to the office ready to leave". That really didn't help my temper, I kicked open the cafeteria doors and went to my science teacher so that maybe she would help me out here I mean she is the one who gave me the option to go work with mister cody so it made no sense to me that I was getting suspended for doing what I was told to do. She wouldn't help me though, she said I was making things difficult and that I could have just looked at the animal even though it is against my religious beliefs and moral code. That was that I was suspended and I couldn't do a thing about it...my class ridiculed me as I left.

Me and my mom talked about it and she is going to go into the school on Tuesday, she isn't completely on my side though which I don't expect after flipping out at the VP.

I feel broken, I lost it so bad. I didn't even think I had that much anger inside of me...I became everything I hate and bathed it it. I wished death on this man and in the back of my mind I really don't think I would care if he were to die a horrible death...That is so terrible to think...I don't know why these thoughts are running through my head but as they do the hurt becomes more and more unbearable. I think I hide it well enough that people don't know but it never goes away.

I almost just left the school and walked to Charlottown and sat on the sidewalk accepting my fate that one day I will have to deal with..Every day I come more and more close to living on the streets with no education and no job. Not that i don't want a job but with this vision It is next to impossible to achieve. I would be truly alone then as I feel now but only a more true and dark loneliness than I currently face....or is that what I want.

My mother claims that I am depressed...I wouldn't call it depressed though, sad would be a better word.

This all also makes me realize that the thought of a sex change or acceptance should be disposed of immediatly. I will always be alone like this nothing will ever fill my inside...I need to accept that....yet though I know what I must do I can't bring myself to do it.

Dark is a comforting word for me now...everytime I hear it I think of solitude and how it would be so safe and I wouldn't have to worry about anything....At the same time it scares me....I don't want to be alone i want to be loved and cared about.....but that will not happen.

That's really all I have to say.

Now you see me, now you don't.

I hate meeting people online. I always roleplay as a female and then when they find out I am technically a guy they just avoid me like the plague...It really hurts. Being a transexual is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with acceptance wise. I just want to find a place where I belong....I'll probably be searching for the rest of my life.

I had a weird dream, Life was a dream and we were all just going to simply wake up and be someone else somewhere else. It is almost a pleasant idea...I wish I could just wake up and be away from all of this, but at the same time it is a really scary thought.

I got the no from Zev but it didn't hurt too much, I mean it still hurt as you would expect but he was really sweet about it and was genuinely being caring about it which I am not used to. I hope that maybe someday it will work but I won't get my hopes up. Whatever may happen I just hope he is happy in all he does.

Oh and it has been confirmed that my great aunt has lung cancer, but it operable which is a godsend. I really hope
Walter (her husband) is doing okay aswell. I think it is that time of year when everyone you know has death in the family. Nicole's grandmother died just recently. I really hope Nicole gets feeling better she seems really sad.

The arts coffee house is coming up and Andrew is coming. That more worries me than anything though due to scary kids bugging him. I am submitting my mosaic but I myself may not be attending. I am not sure if I really want to go and deal with everyone.

I watched a movie earlier called "Sublime" it is a great movie and I suggest it to everyone but no one with a weak stomach.

Cancer in the family again.

Another fine day, no there is no sarcasm in that statement I think it is really pretty outside today sun and all. So here is the haps of late, my great aunt may have lung cancer. I am fairly worried about her I don't think I can lose many more relatives to cancer. I guess it's a good thing that I gave up smoking,

I may be going to Ottowa this summer on a plane. I have never been on a plane so needless to say I am really scared. I hope I don't get claustraphobic, I have music though so I should be ok.

I wish I could say I had an interesting weekend but all I remember from it were the dreams I had while I slept through it. Wow there is allot of "I;s" in this blog. Its's kind of annoying actually. I have to think of something to replace I's with.

Oh and I (theres that I again) met a pedophile online last night...my mind is broken. I mean you can imagine what it would be like to talk to a pedophile now multiply that by 13 and you should be on track. I have really bad luck with meeting creeps online. I think I may take Kirk's advice and quit gaia aka: the place I meet all these pers.

I don't think I have anything else to write without getting really sad and depressing. Well then I guess i'm out for today.

Arivadeirchie

Lolicon at the anime club

Myfirst entry on this site. Though I have had many blogs in the past I prefer the formating on this site so I will stick with it.

Today was pretty uneventful, I was happy but then sarrow set in for no real reason except the need to remove happines. I know exactly why it happens but I just can't stop it from happening.

Oh well there is no point writing about it since there is nothing to fix it esides medications, which I would rather cut off my own hand than take. Maybe someday I'll be allowed to have true happines....until then I'll hold onto the little things that make me smile.

I am currently at the anime club by the way but I am ignoring the anime because it has loli in it and that reaks me out to no end. Kids in slutey clothing breaks my mind.

Oh I ran my first Dm session last night for D&D, it went fairly well. I was a bit nervouse at first but all in all it came out ok.

I sure hope Zev emails me soon....I miss him. We aren't even dating and I believe I have already fallen in love with him...but this scares me for I know it will end in hurt on my behalf...I'm used to it but I still don't want it to happen. Or at least that is my fear, I hope it doesn't end....I want to stay with him. I think Im getting ahead of myself I dive into things too fast we aren't even dating yet (If we ever do). He is just really sweet. He makes me feel human (or neko =^_^=). He is kind and caring, he writes godly poetry which I have the blessing of reading. I want to be his and I know it is too soon to be thinking these thoughts but I want security and I almost feel that in his arms I can have that....almost. Again I am getting ahead of myself I need to step back.

My sister's birthday party is tonight and they are taking over my basement...WHAT WILL I DO!!!!!!! I guess I'll have time to draw.

I wonder if anyone is reading this. I never told anyone the address and I don't think anyone cares enough to go look for it...Maybe it's better that way, I don't want people to have to listen to my wining about everything.

Oh wells I guess I am out for now.

Byes