Accepting

I finally got this to load. I got suspended yesterday for refusing to look in a microscope at a dead animal's cheek. The teacher gave me the option of working with mister cody instead of doing the lab so I did and upon meeting mister cody he suspended me on grounds of not doing my work....How messed up is that? he told me to phone home in hs office and I was so worried that I would lose it and hit him that I just left. I tried to explain myself and begged he let me stay but he simply repeated "phone home". I met him in the hallway two minutes later and he told me to phone home again and I asked him if he was fucking deaf...He looked kind of shocked and the hall way went quiet. When he left a bunch of people were all happy and cheering me on but I didn't feel like a hero of any sort. In fact I felt and still do feel like scum, I was well aware that there was nothing I could do to help myself in this situation...I felt so helpless and that made me more angry. I went to the cafeteria so I could calm down...this was wrong is what I thought, just then Mister cody's voice came over the PA "Randi come to the office ready to leave". That really didn't help my temper, I kicked open the cafeteria doors and went to my science teacher so that maybe she would help me out here I mean she is the one who gave me the option to go work with mister cody so it made no sense to me that I was getting suspended for doing what I was told to do. She wouldn't help me though, she said I was making things difficult and that I could have just looked at the animal even though it is against my religious beliefs and moral code. That was that I was suspended and I couldn't do a thing about it...my class ridiculed me as I left.

Me and my mom talked about it and she is going to go into the school on Tuesday, she isn't completely on my side though which I don't expect after flipping out at the VP.

I feel broken, I lost it so bad. I didn't even think I had that much anger inside of me...I became everything I hate and bathed it it. I wished death on this man and in the back of my mind I really don't think I would care if he were to die a horrible death...That is so terrible to think...I don't know why these thoughts are running through my head but as they do the hurt becomes more and more unbearable. I think I hide it well enough that people don't know but it never goes away.

I almost just left the school and walked to Charlottown and sat on the sidewalk accepting my fate that one day I will have to deal with..Every day I come more and more close to living on the streets with no education and no job. Not that i don't want a job but with this vision It is next to impossible to achieve. I would be truly alone then as I feel now but only a more true and dark loneliness than I currently face....or is that what I want.

My mother claims that I am depressed...I wouldn't call it depressed though, sad would be a better word.

This all also makes me realize that the thought of a sex change or acceptance should be disposed of immediatly. I will always be alone like this nothing will ever fill my inside...I need to accept that....yet though I know what I must do I can't bring myself to do it.

Dark is a comforting word for me now...everytime I hear it I think of solitude and how it would be so safe and I wouldn't have to worry about anything....At the same time it scares me....I don't want to be alone i want to be loved and cared about.....but that will not happen.

That's really all I have to say.