I want to start this entry with laughter at myself. I just finished reading every single post in this blog and coming to realise how silly I was. Looking for acceptance all the time, convincing myself that I am transexual....oh so many things. Oh to be a confused teenager. I took some time after me and Katelyn broke up and thought a lot. I have come to some conclusions, first off I am most certainy not a transexual, I was just a silly kid trying to fit in and feel cared about (how dumb). I almost feel embarassed for anyone who reads this and sees how I used to be at one point. Oh well I guess we all go through a lot to become who we are today.

Transition

Things have changed much. I woke up one morning and felt..different. I was no longer sad and I no longer felt dependent on affection. I stopped missing Katelyn altogether. I also learned something very important. I am not transgendered I simply believed I was because I wanted to relate to females and

Karma?

Exams are coming up. I think I am going to fail pretty bad, I barely care. Right now things seem like they can't get much worse, I'm just holding on to a spec of hope that something will change for the better. I'm pretty sure everyone has just stopped caring about me...I don't blame them honestly. I'm just kind of pathetic, I mean here I am writing in a blog that no one even reads about how no one cares...It's just pathetic, I'm just pathetic.

Maybe Katelyn was right all along, maybe I am terrible. I always ran under the assumption that "what goes around comes around". So I was always making a strong attempt to be kind to everyone. What did I do wrong. It can't be everyone elses fault it has to be me. Maybe Dan was right and the world it terrible and people are cruel. No I can't believe that, it just doesn't make sense to me. Then again neither does this.

Yesterday at school I was pushed around all day once hostily the others I believe to be jokes. I'm just sick of it, even if most were jokes they were done by the same person so therefore I don't entirely believe them to be jokes, especially when it is my ex doing it. Maybe they just don't know what they are doing. I'm probably overreacting as usual, another reason people probably don't like me. It seems everywhere I go people don't want anything to do with me.

I'm sorry, I should just stop there is no need of this being posted.

I'm sorry if anyone did read this It was not my intention to waste your time.

Cycle

I have not been on here in almost a year. I guess it's time for an update, not that a whole heck of a lot has happened. Katelyn and I broke up after a year and four months of dating. It was not a good relationship I find myself left with a bit less of myself than I had before. That releationship took a lot out of me, I am glad it is over as horrible as that sounds it was dreadful.

I started a buiseness which I am thinking of calling Crimson Moon Books and so far it is goig very well. Besides that absolutely nothing is happening it feels like I am going through the same routine every single day, it is dreadful I feel like I am in the matrix. Currently I am debating what drastic action I can take to make this cycle more bearable.

I don't have much else to write that I can think of so I guess this is adios so turrah til next time.

This is the worst day I have had in such a long time. In fact I would rather be dead than experience this pain. I constantly have to keep an eye on myself so I don't do something rash. This morning I hugged Katelyn said "I love you pudding", then she left I thought she was going to get jello and show off how she got the red jello that I wanted. Instead she came back and slapped me across the face saying I called her fat. In front of everyone, I wasn't embarassed. I was just hurt so I told her she was a bitch and I left. Alex qlickly caught up with me and we talked about nothing that important I can't even recall. He was wondering if I wanted to be alone and I said no and acted like everything was okay. I guess the shock kept me in a decent state. I think I am still in shock I know I miss her and all that it entails but I am not as upset as I should be I just feel sick and dizzy and my chest feels tight.



I went to Katelyn's locker to get my things and I asked her if she really thinks I would call her fat and she asaid I had done it before. Mind you I am posative I have not ever called her fat except once in Alex's car when we were joking because she called me fat and the second I said it I told her I was joking. So I got upset at her saying this then she went on to say that I have called her fat infront of the group of people we hang out with in the crypt as it is called. I took the ring she got me off and gave it to her suggesting she should rethink our relationship.



Now I am in resource class typing up this blog I have a peperclip wrapped around the finger that the ring went on and every second without it or her I am dieing inside. This is the worst feeling ever like my soul is being pulled out of my body with every bit more distant we grow. However I feel there is nothing I can do in this situation this has to be her decision and her call. I just hope people will speak up and tell her that I have4 never called her fat in their presence.



I miss her so much and it is killing me I am not even thinking clearely when I walk the room spins I feel like I am high but not the good kind. When I look at something I don't see it because I look through it or so it seems. right now I am just mindlessly watching my fingers hitting the keys not even thinking just hurting and wishing my love would come back to me. I miss him so much. Mind you I can't really see a guy slapping me but lately I have seen Katelyn as more of a male...this is irrelevant...actually I think it is quite relevant. If I keep talking about this stuff I am going to go into denial all together.



I wonder what is going to happen at lunch and if the pain may go away and things will get resolved I just can't see this ending...not like this...I don't understand why she thinks I would cal her fat though I really don't see where she is getting that from. I try to be nothing but complementing and only offer constructive crisicism but SI never critisise her weight because it doesn't bother me in fact I kind of like it. She is beautiful the way she is and I cherish that so why would I ever insult it. This just doesn't add up. Well her saying I called her fat doesn't add up anyway. I just don't get it at all.



I wonder how long I can hold out like this before I snap and have a breakdown. I wonder if I am in shock or not maybe I am just heartless. No that's not true I am feeling terrible right now I guess I am just hiding it well. I guess only time will tell me the anwser to that. Miyavi is keeping me stable listening to him always makes me happy...well except this time but it is making me feel a lot better than I was. I guess I'll just have to take this one step out of time and watch what I do. I need to take care of myself for the next while or I'm lively to have a mental breakdown and end ulp in the hospital.



Gotta go.



Bye

Busy, busy, busy, busy. So last friday Mikle Hale hit Katie and made Samantha Martin cry. We reported him after he got in my face mocking me telling him to not do it again. As a result of all of this I almost got suspended on false acusations that I had threatened Mikle so needless to say that wasn't very fun. After anime club Katelyn and myself wen't to Blossoms to east food. It was pretty good food though we couldn't finish al of it.



I have requested that my mother hire a math tutor for me because I am finding academic math next to impossible. Unfortunately she doesn't know if she will be able to get me a math tutor. So my backup plan is that if she can't I will switch to general and after I graduate go and train to become a massage therapist

Cheery day.

Ello, it's me again. So since our last drinking excursion a lot has happened. We found out that Bojie is a complete backstabbing meanie, and......I'm back at school! It has been really hard in some ways. I find it really difficult to pay attention to what the teachers are saying when it gets to late in the day. I am also finding Grade 10 academic math is a real challenge but I am struggling through.

I co-run the Anime Club now so that keeps me pretty busy to say the least. I had to cancel last week because Dan (the real leader) got kicked out of school anime and all so I have to bring backups or we will have to cancel again. It's so much fun I always wanted to run the anime club and my dreams are coming true. I sound like some happy school girl...Oh wait I am now! =^_^= Me and Katelyn are doing fine as usual I don't know why I am even posting that but I am.

So that is really it, oh wait my sisters disease is flaring up again and she is having to go on steroids which she is really sad about so that has been hard on all of us. I have to be on my best behavior so that I don't cause anymore tension...that'll be hard.

Anyway I'm out for now.

Bye

Drunken Loop

So last night Alex, Bojie, Katelyn and myself got drunk. It was fun at first but like most things your parents tell you not to do, the fun didn't last. I was drunk and sitting in the tub drinking, then I got Alex drunk. Which is never a good idea unless you have a cleaning crew handy (Whitch we didn't). You see Alex get's a tad rude when he is drunk to say the least. Now on the fallowig day the tension is still there and we are all really uncomfortable. I just finished getting yelled at because I told Alex that if he didn't know what sunny side up eggs were he couldn't cook them. THe worst part of this is, it's all my fault. I pressured Alex to get drunk knowing it was wrong mind you I was drunk at the time but none the less.

I feel terrible. Knowing that I am the cause of all of this makes me feel awful. I don't want to drink for quite a long time. Getting drunk is fun and all but when it makes people angry and hurtful then it isn't really worth it.

So I am going back to school two weeks from now. I am mildly excited and mildly nervous. I just want to get in and get out as fast as possible. Maybe go to university but I doubt that will be happening with my current amount of credits. Acadeic math is the only real thing holding me back from university but I may end up trying anyway.

Life is like some continuouse loop. It's like everything is routine and nothing new ever happens. I never meet new people or go anywhere new. I like new but nothing is new. I have no complaints of me and Katelyn but I do of everything else or almost everything else. I won't get into all of it. I simply want to meet new people and go to new places even old unvisited places. It would all be rather nice.

Anyway that's it for me for now on this current day.

Yuma out.

Muahahaha