This is the worst day I have had in such a long time. In fact I would rather be dead than experience this pain. I constantly have to keep an eye on myself so I don't do something rash. This morning I hugged Katelyn said "I love you pudding", then she left I thought she was going to get jello and show off how she got the red jello that I wanted. Instead she came back and slapped me across the face saying I called her fat. In front of everyone, I wasn't embarassed. I was just hurt so I told her she was a bitch and I left. Alex qlickly caught up with me and we talked about nothing that important I can't even recall. He was wondering if I wanted to be alone and I said no and acted like everything was okay. I guess the shock kept me in a decent state. I think I am still in shock I know I miss her and all that it entails but I am not as upset as I should be I just feel sick and dizzy and my chest feels tight.



I went to Katelyn's locker to get my things and I asked her if she really thinks I would call her fat and she asaid I had done it before. Mind you I am posative I have not ever called her fat except once in Alex's car when we were joking because she called me fat and the second I said it I told her I was joking. So I got upset at her saying this then she went on to say that I have called her fat infront of the group of people we hang out with in the crypt as it is called. I took the ring she got me off and gave it to her suggesting she should rethink our relationship.



Now I am in resource class typing up this blog I have a peperclip wrapped around the finger that the ring went on and every second without it or her I am dieing inside. This is the worst feeling ever like my soul is being pulled out of my body with every bit more distant we grow. However I feel there is nothing I can do in this situation this has to be her decision and her call. I just hope people will speak up and tell her that I have4 never called her fat in their presence.



I miss her so much and it is killing me I am not even thinking clearely when I walk the room spins I feel like I am high but not the good kind. When I look at something I don't see it because I look through it or so it seems. right now I am just mindlessly watching my fingers hitting the keys not even thinking just hurting and wishing my love would come back to me. I miss him so much. Mind you I can't really see a guy slapping me but lately I have seen Katelyn as more of a male...this is irrelevant...actually I think it is quite relevant. If I keep talking about this stuff I am going to go into denial all together.



I wonder what is going to happen at lunch and if the pain may go away and things will get resolved I just can't see this ending...not like this...I don't understand why she thinks I would cal her fat though I really don't see where she is getting that from. I try to be nothing but complementing and only offer constructive crisicism but SI never critisise her weight because it doesn't bother me in fact I kind of like it. She is beautiful the way she is and I cherish that so why would I ever insult it. This just doesn't add up. Well her saying I called her fat doesn't add up anyway. I just don't get it at all.



I wonder how long I can hold out like this before I snap and have a breakdown. I wonder if I am in shock or not maybe I am just heartless. No that's not true I am feeling terrible right now I guess I am just hiding it well. I guess only time will tell me the anwser to that. Miyavi is keeping me stable listening to him always makes me happy...well except this time but it is making me feel a lot better than I was. I guess I'll just have to take this one step out of time and watch what I do. I need to take care of myself for the next while or I'm lively to have a mental breakdown and end ulp in the hospital.



Gotta go.



Bye