Bass

Dear blog, I'm a fuck up. I am sure by now you already realize this.. I am not really good at anything. My whole life I have just drifted from thing to thing on a whim trying to master something and be great... however I just lose interest in things so I am not really good at any single one. I am 19 and I pretty much suck at everything, that's my claim to fame. I would write a list of all the things I have commited to and given up on but the list would be FAR too long.


I would like to say this time is different but it isn't different at all. I picked up a base guitar and am trying to teach myself. I am not going to go on about how I am fully comitted or am going to be great someday because I feel it wil jynx it like all the other times. I just picked up a bass because of Sid Vicious. It started when I was looking up the Sex Pistols on youtube and I saw their bassist and his outstanding charisma overshadowed the rest of the band. I was amazed just looking at him so I naturaly looked him up and researched him. I wanted to have that confidence that he had. I quickly learned that Sid Vicious had emotional problems and needed lots of comfort when away from his Nancy, he was often compaired to a cat and would while away from Nancy lay his head on a certain male's lap for comfort. He also seemingly didn't care about anything and was a whimsy guy who did whatever he want whenever he pleased...however on the inside he was soft, he liked pain, and was generally a failure who killed himself when hhis love Nancy died....he couldn't even play the bass well at all. I was quickly infactuated with him for obvious reasons. The next day I believe is when I picked up a bass. See nothing special, I just related so I picked up the bass... I quickly learned to love the sound and now I genuinely love the sound.

I guess I am just writing all of this to document it. That way if I fail at bass then it is just another documented case of me failing and I can feel bad... What a lame blog entry. Oh my sister is in the hospital...I don't want to write about that though. Not right now, maybe later tonight I'll blog again.

Attempt number one....bah

I just spent 17 minutes trying to write an email to her husband... I ended up hitting cancel because I just couldn't do it. I wanted to make her happy and comfort him, but I just can't. I can't even trust him let alone open up a little to him... I wonder if he feels the same way despite his seeming "macho" attitude... I never understood guys like thaat so I don't know but I am sure it still applies to him also, one of us will have to give. I will give it more time and see what happens.

Ugh. Why is it that when I wake up from a long sleep I am tired. I get an average sleep like a normal person and I want more but when I wake up from one of my half hour naps I am ready to go and feel amazing. I had a nice sleep and when I woke up my mistress was going to bed. As soon as she logged off I became exhausted. THis happens all the time, when she is asleep and away I lose all will to stay awake. I have a bass guitar at the end of my couch that keeps calling me but all I can do is long for her and desire sleep until she returns... I really am a pet... almost every ffabric of my being is tied to her.

Few people aprove of what I am doing and they warn me... I even got a death threat and I don't believe it was enpty. However I am more vicious than the person who made the threat upon my mistress and everyone at the table with me said they would kill him with me. He said he wouldn't and asked now what if she dies accidentally? He looked scared when I said that it would be an unfortunate misunderstanding for him :) Oh friends... how messed up they are.

Regardless of what anyone says I am going... I will give all of myself to her for the rest of my life. I had best go work is approaching and I nwill just ramble forever about nothing. I will write back later to tell you how my first day on the floor went. I would be nervouse if I wasn't so tired...I got 8 hours this makes no sense.

Endure for the one you love.

Unstable ground is never pleasant. I feel like child who's mother has been taken away... or t least that's how I imagine they feel. I can't email her with how I feel... I can't really contact her in ay way to talk about any of this and how hard it is... he is monitoring everything... he is even trying to monitor our time on voice... She rushes it off and says that progress is being made, but I have my doubts... I don't see a difference. The restrictions are no less he is just MAYBE allowing us to be close in 8 months. do I have to endure 8 months of this restriction. I feel very along and cold. I know she is trying to be there for me her best and I love her dearl, but she can only do so much I guess. Right now it is up to me to stand alone and try to be strong for her I suppose, and I am trying but without her I am not very strong.

This blog is now the only place I have to express how I feel and get it out. This is the one thing he isn't monitoring yet... and if he does... well then I would like to say I would take it as an act of war or some nonsensical bullshit of that sor bt that would only serve to hurt her. I say her in case he is absolutely crazy and googles her name which is very unique and beautiful. He could find this. After this is all over and safe maybe I can say her name to you blog, but for now I have to keep you in the dark...too bad for you. It's sad really how in all points of my life when I have no one to talk to about things I come and blab here to a nonexistant entity. I know no one reads this blog and still I keep at it. right now I just really need something...well someone, but I can't ask too much of her. I want to make her life easier not harder. I can endure this pain for her. I love her so much and this is proof of that. This is like nothing I have ever felt and I am willing to endure any pain I have to as long as someday I can be in her arms and hold her in mine...sigh... if only....someday. I believe that someday that might happen, though it is being blocked right ow maybe if we keep pushing we can get there.

I don't know when I will be able to talk to HER without him over her shoulder or listening. I wish I could just bite him like an animal. Every instinct I have tells me to lash out at him for treating her the way he is and keeping me from my master who is so much more... but I know that would hurt her too... what a messed up situation. I have no idea what to do more than half the time. I have to resist all urges and basically just do what she says...which is fine except what she tells me to do is in accordance to HIS orders... I hate fallowing another. I can only hope someday I can obey her fully without worry of reprocussion. That someday I can be close to her without worry of a bullet entering the confines of my skull. Oh wel I will just have to keep riding it out I suppose... I don't know how much I can take.. I guess I will take as much as I can physically handle... I wo't quit even if it kils e, I will just have to be that stubbourn. I would like to believe she would do the same for me... I trust her like I have never trusted another before. I can put complete faith in her...that is the only reason I am even going through all of this because I know that she would do it for me.

Well I am on work computers and might be being watched so I better bail.

For now, bye

Prayer for my Soul

God please help me. I am at the end of my rope... This is me begging...I want it so bad I am praying in text... silent prayer isn't enough. Please, she is different. I can't lose her. THis isn't like the rest of them. I CAN"T DO THIS... please... just let me have this one thing in life. Just this one thing and I can be happy. I know I am being selfish and I don't care... just please... don't take her like this... I don't care if she is married under your union... I don't care if I am just some punk... I don't care if I don't deserve her, I said I am being selfish didn't I? I would give all of myself for her. I would fight for her, live for her, die for her. YOU CAN"T TAKE THAT AWAY! Don't you think you have done enough! What the hell is this all for?! I am not losing her!!! Four year mirrage or not I'll stand to it if I must. I will lay it all down, I am not backing down from this. I have lost too much to lose her. If she goes my heart goes with her and so does my means to exist. I'll be hallow and that void will never be filled. I have not done anthing warranting this kind of punishment... Even if what I am doing is wrong right now... disregarding a mirrage... I don't care. I'll lose everything for this if I must... I can't find out about my sister's illness and this in one night... Is this you laying another blow on me? Another test? THis time I'll punch back... however.... in the end... her happiness comes first. I can't be that selfish...please.... help me

Final Dream

Y'know it is fated that I will continue to come back here when there is no where else to go and no one else to talk to. In the end blog sometimes you are all I have to talk to and if I talk to myself then people wil think that I am insane.

Regardless of all that here I am again... I am not going to really explain what has been happening in my life, I grow tired of explaining a new scenario all the time. I want to believe this one is different and I always believed it was...even tonight when I am faced with it all disappearing into a dream... through it all... I still hold on to the hope that it will be saved... that I will be saved by her. I can't expect such things from a married women of 4 years... and I don't expect it, I just hope. That is all I've got right now just a tiny spec of hope that this isn't all a dream and that I can be saved... she is special to me, more special than I care to admit. I won't numb myself to this like all the others, I will feel the full force of the blows and I promise to crash hard. I swore that I would be different this time and open up fully and I have... now even faced with the possible end... I will stay open even if the blow will hurt ten times more... I have to take it to know this is real...even though in the end that will be what kills me. The knowing that it was real and that the blow I felt was the last real thing I would feel from her... I am a bad pet... but at least I can do her the honor of taking the full force of it...I wish that could take some of it off her.

I just got back from walking in the rain... thinking something might happen... a thought... a realization... a mugging...anything just something to show me that I am not dreaming. I can't tell if I am awake right now. This is all so sudden and shocking that I don't honestly know if this is real or not. Even though it is 2 degrees celcius and the rain was freezing as it hit my skin... I felt no different... my body went numb to the rain and all I could hear were my footsteps loud in my ear...walking slow and steady. I got back to my apartment having learned nothing except my own emptiness and realized dthat I was standing at the top of the steps just staring at the door to my apartment and the exit...hearing music playing and birds from within the apartment... I didn't feel welcome there... I felt as if I opened the door that there I would be... on the couch talking to her happily and that I wouldn't want me around... silly huh...well it's how I felt...unwanted by myself in my own apartment... like I had been kicked out. After standing for a long time I sat upon the steps, hearing my apartment keys hit the floor with a loud clank. I sat there listening to the music, trying to think but drawing nothing... I layed down on the floor outside my apartment wondering what kind of people felt this way... shocked at what I was doing... but I didn't care... it felt right at the time...I wanted to sleep on that floor but I knew the neighbours would come out...so I let myself in my apartment...and here I am... I feel like crying as I hit this line for some reason... I don't want this to all be a dream... I don't want this to end, I don't want to lose her. I would beg and plead and cry. I would give up everything... but she isn't leaving... her husband is just standing between us... and I can't fight him... besides...even under the crazy idea she left him to keep me... wwould she even really want a 19 year old... I mean I am still somewhat a kid... look at me now....is this childish? Am I acting like a brat? Either way that isn't going to happen so it doesn't matter...

This can't end in tragedy... but she isn't leaving either of us... and I can't fight a 4 year marriage... so logically he wins...that's how this guy thing works right? He is the alpha male and he wins... I go and lick my wounds and live a miserable existance pondering my final failure... is that it? What nonsense. This is...no I am not going to say unfair... I don't want to whine... not now... I'll do that on my own time alone... I am tired... I don't want to sleep...what happens when I wake up... will it be a dream...or will it be this...I am scared of both... I know I won't be waking up next to her... foolish... I am going to go... sorry for the long post.

New Life

I am living in a 1 bedroom apartment by myself. Me and Heather are broken up but still keep in touch and see eachother. I am alone... I don't like it and it kills me that it bothers me. I go to the clubs whenever there is people there with the hopes of meeting someone interesting. No I do not want to date but the idea of having someone around pleases meI will blog as soon as possible it.

I am relatively intoxicated right now as Kirk just bought me some booze at the club. I can't say as I am happy right now just really tired. Now that I live alone something tells me this is where I will be spending alot of my time and posting regulariy even if nobody reads it... it's probably better that way then no one will realize that I am lonely.

I have to kill this part of me that craves other people I have to become used to being alone and be rid of this weakness that I am develo;ing.

Well I am going to bed as I am exausted.

I will blog as soon as possible as it will be my therapy.

Emptying My Cup

I don't know what to write... I hate making depressing blogs and being so dramatic... but that's how I feel. I thought I knew so much about the teachings of Zen and Buddhism, but it turns knowing and doing are two different things. I am depressed and I hate it. I need to figure some things out I guess. There are so many things I want to do and none of them I can because I am blind and cannot drive. I want to join Kung-Fu and have for a long time, however I can't until I move out. I am out of shape and pathetic physically and seemingly mentally. I want to get a Bokken and train with it... but I am broke and can't get a job due to the inability to drive. Maybe that's it. I want too much, but I don't think wanting to learn a martial art and work is too much. Of course that is not the sole root of my mizery. It is burried deep down and I don't know what it is. I am clueless as to my own emotions... how pathetic.

I am falling behind in school aswell... What the hell am I doing with my life in all seriouseness. I am not doing anything except playing video games and being a crybaby. I am considering selling the XBOX but I like it... I suspect that I am addicted to it and that is my reasoning for wanting to get rid of it. What scares me the most is that: What if when I move out none of this changes and I find out that I am genuinly like this and am really just lazy? That would suck. What if I can do something now and am jut too depressed to realize it. I am going to take some time and figure some things out. "Empty my cup" as they say. There is obviously a lot of reteaching to do. I know so little. I feel better just saying that.

Well I'll keep you posted on my progress...not that anyone reads this...but it makes me feel better.

Not a whole lot has happened except I joined a game with Sam Hanlon's counsel called Particracy. It is a really fun game with polatics.

Glad to be home again.

Hey blog, I'm back. I needed some time to think about things and come to understand myself. I did the best I could and it turned out to be okay. I was expecting that if I did good for people that I would get it back on me, that is selfish and not always the case. I took some time away from dating and became a social hermit so to speak. This was a good choice and has helped me learn much about myself.

Much has happened since I last posted as I am sure you can guess... life is never boring for long. After I figured that I was stable I decided to join a dating site (crazy I know). but it worked out well. I met a girl named Heather and instantly fell in love. I know I am a romantic and fall for people a lot but this was different. She wasn't even seemingly my type but for some reason the more I learned about her the more and more I fell for her. Turns out we have a lot in common and she is more my type than I could have imagined, though type really isn't that important I found it humerouse none the less. She is exciting and likes to live on the wild side a little. She doesn't put up with people being jerks unless she has a good reason. She can be childish but that's okay so can everyone, including myself on rare occasion. All in all I am very happy to be with her. I will have to cut this paragraph short as I don't want my whole entry to be on this one topic... which I easlily could do.

I bet you are wondering about Katelyn. Well after my last post we started fighting... constantly. I would go out of my way to cause an argument with her and enjoyed it emmensly. After meeting Heather I realised how pathetic I was being and how needless the fighting was but I continued out of a sheer need for vengance, that was a word I came to know all too well. Today I appolagised for being cruel to her. Wether I believe she deserved it or not is irrelevant. I should not have been so confrontational, it's not who I am and it is shameful.

Oh and I am graduating this year after I finish getting my six credits this term. The school has a special deal in place where I can take six courses instead of four. It is difficult but I am more than willing to do it. I am planning on going to Holland College and moving in with Heather. We both look forward to it alot. Everything seems to be in order and all is well. I plan to keep it that way.

I have learned a lot in the past months and come to terms with who I am. I will continue walking this path.

Well I guess that's it really... LATER