I don't know what to write... I hate making depressing blogs and being so dramatic... but that's how I feel. I thought I knew so much about the teachings of Zen and Buddhism, but it turns knowing and doing are two different things. I am depressed and I hate it. I need to figure some things out I guess. There are so many things I want to do and none of them I can because I am blind and cannot drive. I want to join Kung-Fu and have for a long time, however I can't until I move out. I am out of shape and pathetic physically and seemingly mentally. I want to get a Bokken and train with it... but I am broke and can't get a job due to the inability to drive. Maybe that's it. I want too much, but I don't think wanting to learn a martial art and work is too much. Of course that is not the sole root of my mizery. It is burried deep down and I don't know what it is. I am clueless as to my own emotions... how pathetic.
I am falling behind in school aswell... What the hell am I doing with my life in all seriouseness. I am not doing anything except playing video games and being a crybaby. I am considering selling the XBOX but I like it... I suspect that I am addicted to it and that is my reasoning for wanting to get rid of it. What scares me the most is that: What if when I move out none of this changes and I find out that I am genuinly like this and am really just lazy? That would suck. What if I can do something now and am jut too depressed to realize it. I am going to take some time and figure some things out. "Empty my cup" as they say. There is obviously a lot of reteaching to do. I know so little. I feel better just saying that.
Well I'll keep you posted on my progress...not that anyone reads this...but it makes me feel better.
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