Unstable ground is never pleasant. I feel like child who's mother has been taken away... or t least that's how I imagine they feel. I can't email her with how I feel... I can't really contact her in ay way to talk about any of this and how hard it is... he is monitoring everything... he is even trying to monitor our time on voice... She rushes it off and says that progress is being made, but I have my doubts... I don't see a difference. The restrictions are no less he is just MAYBE allowing us to be close in 8 months. do I have to endure 8 months of this restriction. I feel very along and cold. I know she is trying to be there for me her best and I love her dearl, but she can only do so much I guess. Right now it is up to me to stand alone and try to be strong for her I suppose, and I am trying but without her I am not very strong.
This blog is now the only place I have to express how I feel and get it out. This is the one thing he isn't monitoring yet... and if he does... well then I would like to say I would take it as an act of war or some nonsensical bullshit of that sor bt that would only serve to hurt her. I say her in case he is absolutely crazy and googles her name which is very unique and beautiful. He could find this. After this is all over and safe maybe I can say her name to you blog, but for now I have to keep you in the dark...too bad for you. It's sad really how in all points of my life when I have no one to talk to about things I come and blab here to a nonexistant entity. I know no one reads this blog and still I keep at it. right now I just really need something...well someone, but I can't ask too much of her. I want to make her life easier not harder. I can endure this pain for her. I love her so much and this is proof of that. This is like nothing I have ever felt and I am willing to endure any pain I have to as long as someday I can be in her arms and hold her in mine...sigh... if only....someday. I believe that someday that might happen, though it is being blocked right ow maybe if we keep pushing we can get there.
I don't know when I will be able to talk to HER without him over her shoulder or listening. I wish I could just bite him like an animal. Every instinct I have tells me to lash out at him for treating her the way he is and keeping me from my master who is so much more... but I know that would hurt her too... what a messed up situation. I have no idea what to do more than half the time. I have to resist all urges and basically just do what she says...which is fine except what she tells me to do is in accordance to HIS orders... I hate fallowing another. I can only hope someday I can obey her fully without worry of reprocussion. That someday I can be close to her without worry of a bullet entering the confines of my skull. Oh wel I will just have to keep riding it out I suppose... I don't know how much I can take.. I guess I will take as much as I can physically handle... I wo't quit even if it kils e, I will just have to be that stubbourn. I would like to believe she would do the same for me... I trust her like I have never trusted another before. I can put complete faith in her...that is the only reason I am even going through all of this because I know that she would do it for me.
Well I am on work computers and might be being watched so I better bail.
For now, bye
No comments:
Post a Comment