Final Dream

Y'know it is fated that I will continue to come back here when there is no where else to go and no one else to talk to. In the end blog sometimes you are all I have to talk to and if I talk to myself then people wil think that I am insane.

Regardless of all that here I am again... I am not going to really explain what has been happening in my life, I grow tired of explaining a new scenario all the time. I want to believe this one is different and I always believed it was...even tonight when I am faced with it all disappearing into a dream... through it all... I still hold on to the hope that it will be saved... that I will be saved by her. I can't expect such things from a married women of 4 years... and I don't expect it, I just hope. That is all I've got right now just a tiny spec of hope that this isn't all a dream and that I can be saved... she is special to me, more special than I care to admit. I won't numb myself to this like all the others, I will feel the full force of the blows and I promise to crash hard. I swore that I would be different this time and open up fully and I have... now even faced with the possible end... I will stay open even if the blow will hurt ten times more... I have to take it to know this is real...even though in the end that will be what kills me. The knowing that it was real and that the blow I felt was the last real thing I would feel from her... I am a bad pet... but at least I can do her the honor of taking the full force of it...I wish that could take some of it off her.

I just got back from walking in the rain... thinking something might happen... a thought... a realization... a mugging...anything just something to show me that I am not dreaming. I can't tell if I am awake right now. This is all so sudden and shocking that I don't honestly know if this is real or not. Even though it is 2 degrees celcius and the rain was freezing as it hit my skin... I felt no different... my body went numb to the rain and all I could hear were my footsteps loud in my ear...walking slow and steady. I got back to my apartment having learned nothing except my own emptiness and realized dthat I was standing at the top of the steps just staring at the door to my apartment and the exit...hearing music playing and birds from within the apartment... I didn't feel welcome there... I felt as if I opened the door that there I would be... on the couch talking to her happily and that I wouldn't want me around... silly huh...well it's how I felt...unwanted by myself in my own apartment... like I had been kicked out. After standing for a long time I sat upon the steps, hearing my apartment keys hit the floor with a loud clank. I sat there listening to the music, trying to think but drawing nothing... I layed down on the floor outside my apartment wondering what kind of people felt this way... shocked at what I was doing... but I didn't care... it felt right at the time...I wanted to sleep on that floor but I knew the neighbours would come out...so I let myself in my apartment...and here I am... I feel like crying as I hit this line for some reason... I don't want this to all be a dream... I don't want this to end, I don't want to lose her. I would beg and plead and cry. I would give up everything... but she isn't leaving... her husband is just standing between us... and I can't fight him... besides...even under the crazy idea she left him to keep me... wwould she even really want a 19 year old... I mean I am still somewhat a kid... look at me now....is this childish? Am I acting like a brat? Either way that isn't going to happen so it doesn't matter...

This can't end in tragedy... but she isn't leaving either of us... and I can't fight a 4 year marriage... so logically he wins...that's how this guy thing works right? He is the alpha male and he wins... I go and lick my wounds and live a miserable existance pondering my final failure... is that it? What nonsense. This is...no I am not going to say unfair... I don't want to whine... not now... I'll do that on my own time alone... I am tired... I don't want to sleep...what happens when I wake up... will it be a dream...or will it be this...I am scared of both... I know I won't be waking up next to her... foolish... I am going to go... sorry for the long post.