I'm sitting here with a razor blade in front of me.It's almost time for work to start and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry... but who would save me? Who can save me? I'm a disaster. I see no other way to go to work than to cut. Cutting is my only option if I want to go to that horrible place, if I am to take abuse from so many customers. To get yelled at by the masses. maybe if I kill myself. I could do it right now. Just grab a bottle and down it. I need an escape. I need to get out I can't do this any more. I'll do anything to get out of here ANYTHING.... but I'm scared to die alone. I don't want to lose Hancel but this job is taking her away. I'm drifting further and further away from her. I'm so scared.
I just can't cut deep enough to make the pain go away. Why am I so afraid. why why why why why why why why why whwy hwy why why why why why why whyw hwy why why why whwyw whwy whwyw hwy whwy whwy
I can't do this anymore I just can't.... no one understands how hard it is, no one knows what I go through every day. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!. I can't deal with that job. even if I don't go today I'll have to go tomorrow. If I don't go tomorrow then the next day or the next day or the next day or the next day until I go back or am fired. WHY CAN"T I DO ANYTHING!!!. I heard a scream
This is a breakdown, I'm having a mental breakdown.... it doesn't feel as good as my other ones this one is murder... this feels like when I tried suicide last time... a hint perhapse. try again maybe....
Ok... I'm calm-ish... my head is throbbing... I have headach pills. I could go get them.... I think they're on this desk.... one pill....just one.....they're in my hand.
Ok I took one. Just one.
I want more. I started laying them on the desk, they're right there for me to take. Just take the bottle and I'm done. I'll never have to go back to that place again and no one would blame me. I mean it's been a long time coming right? Yes it has. If I do it I can be happy. Just another pill... one at a time. Be a good girl and make the smart decision. Take the pills. It's the perfect escape. Come now alice.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Fuck
So I'm sitting in my fucking apartment having just gone on stress leave from my job. My wonderful job. I don't really have much to say about it except it's a callcenter and when my life is loaded full of shit I can only take so much extra from work. I want a job where I go and I work and then go home. Not one where I get yelled at by some douchebag who's tv is on the fritz or some bitch who can't use a computer. I used to be amazing at dealing with that shit but since going on antipsychotics I'm not. Who would have thought that psychosis would make me good at my job. So I'm off for two weeks and then I go back. I fully intend on going back and hope I can make things work but if I can't then I'll have to get by and look for work elsewhere. I don't usually think of leaving my job but since they put me on disciplinary action level 2 for being absent with a doctors note things have changed.
Oh I forgot to mention: Rage Mania. Been having that all day and it's about as fun as shooting yourself in the eye with a nailgun repeatedly. I was going to stay up and work on my writing but thanks to rage mania I'm probably just going to down some liquor and go to sleep because I can't deal with this feeling.
This is my life, I'm poor and at risk of losing my job. I wouldn't give a fuck normally but I have a cat who isn't allowed to live with y parents if I were to move back and there is no way in fucking hell that I am being seperated from Artemis. You would have to pry him from my cold dead hands to seperate us, or I his.
Anyway life sucks and I'm out.
Oh I forgot to mention: Rage Mania. Been having that all day and it's about as fun as shooting yourself in the eye with a nailgun repeatedly. I was going to stay up and work on my writing but thanks to rage mania I'm probably just going to down some liquor and go to sleep because I can't deal with this feeling.
This is my life, I'm poor and at risk of losing my job. I wouldn't give a fuck normally but I have a cat who isn't allowed to live with y parents if I were to move back and there is no way in fucking hell that I am being seperated from Artemis. You would have to pry him from my cold dead hands to seperate us, or I his.
Anyway life sucks and I'm out.
Saturday, 8 September 2012
Daddy Issues
Who would of thought after all these years I'd still have daddy issues. and who would have thought that when I'm this stage in transition and a spokesperson on the topic that I'd still cry over the years I lost. I would give anything to go back and live a teenager as a female The way it was supposed to be. I wish I could erase all the memories of fights at school and at home. I wish that I could have been close to my father and not so distant, someone who could have come to the hospital with me and who would check up on me. but I didn't have that, and I don't have that.
I wish I could be adopted. Take on a second father and get a second chance at what I desire. Someone who would scold me if I did poorly in school, and praise me for doing well. Someone who would spend time just being close to me in a maternal fashion. I wish with all my heart, and I know if I keep wishing that it won't happen. I'm too old and I'm a burden that no one would willingly take on. As I write this I sit with a razorblade in front of me, I slid it across my wrist a few times but it just didn't cut... I'm too gentle. I'll probably use a paperclip. As these memories and wishes are scars upon my mind so too will they be scars on my body. I'll be going to work in bandages again. I'll be harassed for it as usual. and people will ask what happened. I'm past the point of hiding bandages. I'm sick of suffering inside alone.
It's amusing how I help so many people in the community, and I'm such an activist yet I'm so riddled with my own issues. I do everything to help others but recieve none in return.
I' tired. I' going to put on some music, cut, and sleep... what a stereotype, i should take y medication, too bad it won't kick in before I do some damage.
Edit ** I did it, I cut with a razor blade, I've tried so many times and stopped out of fear but I did it... I just had to press harder and try not to tremble. It's beautiful, just what I deserve. This is the punishment I get for living the way I did. Good job Alice you worthless piece of shit! Wonder what else you can do to yourself while we're at it.
I wish I could be adopted. Take on a second father and get a second chance at what I desire. Someone who would scold me if I did poorly in school, and praise me for doing well. Someone who would spend time just being close to me in a maternal fashion. I wish with all my heart, and I know if I keep wishing that it won't happen. I'm too old and I'm a burden that no one would willingly take on. As I write this I sit with a razorblade in front of me, I slid it across my wrist a few times but it just didn't cut... I'm too gentle. I'll probably use a paperclip. As these memories and wishes are scars upon my mind so too will they be scars on my body. I'll be going to work in bandages again. I'll be harassed for it as usual. and people will ask what happened. I'm past the point of hiding bandages. I'm sick of suffering inside alone.
It's amusing how I help so many people in the community, and I'm such an activist yet I'm so riddled with my own issues. I do everything to help others but recieve none in return.
I' tired. I' going to put on some music, cut, and sleep... what a stereotype, i should take y medication, too bad it won't kick in before I do some damage.
Edit ** I did it, I cut with a razor blade, I've tried so many times and stopped out of fear but I did it... I just had to press harder and try not to tremble. It's beautiful, just what I deserve. This is the punishment I get for living the way I did. Good job Alice you worthless piece of shit! Wonder what else you can do to yourself while we're at it.
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Psychosis Medicated
So the 28th finally came and my doctor put me on "risperidone" which is an antipsychotic used to treat a great many things, all of which I have. I have high hopes for this drug however so far at this hour I just encountered my most horrifying hallucination ever. It has worked well up until this point though so I'm not going to get too bent out of shape. I am to call my doctor on Friday if the medication has not started working. Her normal starting dose is half a milligram but due to my symptoms and the severity she started me on 2 milligrams which on the first day of taking it: Knocked me on my ass and made me rather stoned. It wast very much fun. I don't want to be high I just want these silly drugs to work and make the voices and monsters go away. The one now occasionally screams and it's fucking horrifying. I'm hoping it will go away with the sun coming up because aside from being horrified I'm pissed as I need to use the bathroom but with that "thing" out there there's no way in hell I can leave this computer chair. This one is coming closer than any other hallucination has in a long time. I'm rather surprised I'm not losing my cool, I almost went to stay at a friends house but since it's dawn I decided not to as I'm usually okay at dawn and dusk. For some reason they calm me and make all horrifying things go away.
Other than that there isn't much to report. I went to a feminist conference recently for young women but I won't rwrite about that right now. Perhapse another blog entry I'll cover that.
Seeya.
Oh bye the way: Everything I'm diagnosed with (Bipolar, BPD, Psychosis) I totally said I had before the doctors diagnosed me. I might as well have been my own doctor. I know self diagnosing is frowned upon but I really did an impeccible job at it and despite how pissed I am at the outcome of the evaluations I'm glad that I succesfully diagnosed myself correctly as it really helped me convey relevant information to doctors and keep logs of what was happening. I even got to tell them my imput and they didn't shoot me down, only one nurse but she turned out wrong and who cares about nurses anyway lol! Just kidding! =^_^=
Bye for real now... really need to pee soon T_T"
Other than that there isn't much to report. I went to a feminist conference recently for young women but I won't rwrite about that right now. Perhapse another blog entry I'll cover that.
Seeya.
Oh bye the way: Everything I'm diagnosed with (Bipolar, BPD, Psychosis) I totally said I had before the doctors diagnosed me. I might as well have been my own doctor. I know self diagnosing is frowned upon but I really did an impeccible job at it and despite how pissed I am at the outcome of the evaluations I'm glad that I succesfully diagnosed myself correctly as it really helped me convey relevant information to doctors and keep logs of what was happening. I even got to tell them my imput and they didn't shoot me down, only one nurse but she turned out wrong and who cares about nurses anyway lol! Just kidding! =^_^=
Bye for real now... really need to pee soon T_T"
Saturday, 18 August 2012
I'm So Tired
I don't belong here. I'm not supposed to be 22. I wish more than anything I could go back and get a second chance, I feel this every day. I always said I'd live without regrets and this is my only one... not being born a girl. My entire childhook/adolescence was ruined. I'll never have grown up how I should have. I'll never know who I could have been and I'll always have those memories of being a boy. There is no going back to the ppast in this world. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to get sucked into a television somewhere and just live in a strange far away land where I would fit in better, somewhere I can start again and build necessary life skills from the start.
I just don't get this world it doesn't make sense to me, it's like I shouldn't even be here. I wish I knew if there were other worlds out there... I hate it here. I'm such a coward living in fear of what lies in the hallway, I want to sleep right now but I can hear them making noises and I can't sleep until dawn when they go to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if they're real or not like right now...
The psychiatrist in training once asked me what happened if I stared at them, I told him firmly that I don't. He asked me why and I said because it's terrifying. He asked me what I thought would happen and I admitted to having tried it once which resulted in me on the floor cryingand shaking. I don't know what I was saying. I just need and want to sleep and dream, dreams are where I belong but I can't with them being so rowdy I worrry they'll come in the living room while I'm asleep and take over my last safe place...
I just don't get this world it doesn't make sense to me, it's like I shouldn't even be here. I wish I knew if there were other worlds out there... I hate it here. I'm such a coward living in fear of what lies in the hallway, I want to sleep right now but I can hear them making noises and I can't sleep until dawn when they go to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if they're real or not like right now...
The psychiatrist in training once asked me what happened if I stared at them, I told him firmly that I don't. He asked me why and I said because it's terrifying. He asked me what I thought would happen and I admitted to having tried it once which resulted in me on the floor cryingand shaking. I don't know what I was saying. I just need and want to sleep and dream, dreams are where I belong but I can't with them being so rowdy I worrry they'll come in the living room while I'm asleep and take over my last safe place...
Friday, 17 August 2012
It's Becoming Too Much
I missed work today, I had been doing pretty good at hanging on I thought I mean I usually miss a day a week but I was hanging on but today I lost it again. I woke up and the world was a haze, my head ached and I wanted to vomit, the first thing I did when I woke up was put a razor to my wrist, I came so close to cutting I began sliding and it began to bite into my skin leaving no mark, then someone knocked on my door. It was Chris. He asked how I was and wished me well hoping I got better, I could actually see a genuine concern on his face, later looking in the mirror I looked horrid, like some crazy women from a movie... my apartment matched my appearance a horrid mess. The fact he visits me is shocking.
Later I went to meet Shawna, on the way there I stepped on a bird, it screamed in horrid pain, or maybe it was a mouse but I realized later it could only have been a bird. it was dark and raining. I was going to get my medications refilled, I held my head crying trying to catch my breath... I retraced my steps... there was nothing there... just another hallucination, I heard screams of monsters that are not from any movie as I walked the streets getting splashed by inconsiderate motorists. I managed to comandeer 3 tablets of Valium, perhapse it will be good enough to get me to work...
Oh I forgot to mention, I had the strangest sensation today... it was actually horrifying and I hope I can shake it so it never happens. While I held the razor to my wrist I had the sudden impulse to raise it to my eye and slash my eye out, my right one specifically, it was the most terrifying thing I covered my eye quickly in case my arm moved of it's own accord a very logical concern for how my mind has been.
I don't think I'm safe to be alone. I'm a serious risk to myself... however there is nowhere I can go or else I would. All I can do is keep resisting my urges to destroy myself, it is becoming harder and harder for me to manage this... whatever it is. I'm pretty sure it's "Psychosis" or "Schizophrenia" from what I've researched, doctors have speculated it as a high possability aswel. I have to make it to the 28th but even 5 minutes after writing this I could lose myself again and pick up a razor.
Later I went to meet Shawna, on the way there I stepped on a bird, it screamed in horrid pain, or maybe it was a mouse but I realized later it could only have been a bird. it was dark and raining. I was going to get my medications refilled, I held my head crying trying to catch my breath... I retraced my steps... there was nothing there... just another hallucination, I heard screams of monsters that are not from any movie as I walked the streets getting splashed by inconsiderate motorists. I managed to comandeer 3 tablets of Valium, perhapse it will be good enough to get me to work...
Oh I forgot to mention, I had the strangest sensation today... it was actually horrifying and I hope I can shake it so it never happens. While I held the razor to my wrist I had the sudden impulse to raise it to my eye and slash my eye out, my right one specifically, it was the most terrifying thing I covered my eye quickly in case my arm moved of it's own accord a very logical concern for how my mind has been.
I don't think I'm safe to be alone. I'm a serious risk to myself... however there is nowhere I can go or else I would. All I can do is keep resisting my urges to destroy myself, it is becoming harder and harder for me to manage this... whatever it is. I'm pretty sure it's "Psychosis" or "Schizophrenia" from what I've researched, doctors have speculated it as a high possability aswel. I have to make it to the 28th but even 5 minutes after writing this I could lose myself again and pick up a razor.
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Revolting.
I don't know how much longer I can exist like this. If my existance is so miserable then why am I living it. Why do I even bother staying here?! I wish I could just dissapear to a place where no one knows me and maybe I'd stand a chance at making friends, then again I am quite unsightly so that's unlikely. I'm so pained everyday I'd happily just give myself away to someone who would take care of me. I'm so tired of all of this. I hate it here, I can't accept this cruel world. I am not good at being alone, it fucking kills me every day. WHY ME?!?!
I've decided not to use facebook anymore, I can't take logging on and seeing so many people talking and spending time together, Making plans with people who never follow through, losing friends and gaining more fake ones... 169 friends and I can't be sure if even 1 of them are real. I resent everyone. I go to work as much as I can it's a miracle I can even make it with the chaos I fight every night. Then at work I try to stay as normal as I can and pretend to be happy like everyone else. "Thank you for calling" "We appreciate you" Being so kind to all these people who look past me and would walk by me if I was laying in a gutter. Why do I live?
The things in the hall were at it again last night, I didn't outright see anything except an illusionary girl at the superstore when I went but the things in the hall let me know they were there. It was the first time I can recall but I heard voices in my head, I've been doing it more since. They had me convinced that if I used a razorblade to cut my wrist open then they would leave me alone, I believed them and I still kind of do. If hallucinations are in my head and my head says they'll go away if I give them my blood then logically since it's the only thing that can take them away doing so will likely make it happen... but I didn't instead I cried and cried and drowned out my tears with sleeping pills to make it all stop. The voices said I would be pretty and beautiful if I used a razor to slice my wrists, they made it sound so wonderful... As much as I want friends I can understand why they wouldn't want the burden of Alice
I need to try harder to stay away from people.. maybe if I get away from them I won't hope for friends anymore. I've tried the whole "being close" thing but the rejection is unfathomable. I'm thinking about moving... maybe to toronto, there's more people there maybe out of everyone in that big city one person would care about me... just one and I'd be happy, just to be taken in fuck it, I know that would never happen. have nothing to offer I'm useless. I'm a female impersinator and a bad one as far as I'm concerned. My chance to be beautiful and truly a girl has long since passed and so have my chances of freedom, happiness, and success. I need to finish the immigration paperwork for my wife, she deserves at least that much. then I'll decide what I do about me and my pseudo-existence
I've decided not to use facebook anymore, I can't take logging on and seeing so many people talking and spending time together, Making plans with people who never follow through, losing friends and gaining more fake ones... 169 friends and I can't be sure if even 1 of them are real. I resent everyone. I go to work as much as I can it's a miracle I can even make it with the chaos I fight every night. Then at work I try to stay as normal as I can and pretend to be happy like everyone else. "Thank you for calling" "We appreciate you" Being so kind to all these people who look past me and would walk by me if I was laying in a gutter. Why do I live?
The things in the hall were at it again last night, I didn't outright see anything except an illusionary girl at the superstore when I went but the things in the hall let me know they were there. It was the first time I can recall but I heard voices in my head, I've been doing it more since. They had me convinced that if I used a razorblade to cut my wrist open then they would leave me alone, I believed them and I still kind of do. If hallucinations are in my head and my head says they'll go away if I give them my blood then logically since it's the only thing that can take them away doing so will likely make it happen... but I didn't instead I cried and cried and drowned out my tears with sleeping pills to make it all stop. The voices said I would be pretty and beautiful if I used a razor to slice my wrists, they made it sound so wonderful... As much as I want friends I can understand why they wouldn't want the burden of Alice
I need to try harder to stay away from people.. maybe if I get away from them I won't hope for friends anymore. I've tried the whole "being close" thing but the rejection is unfathomable. I'm thinking about moving... maybe to toronto, there's more people there maybe out of everyone in that big city one person would care about me... just one and I'd be happy, just to be taken in fuck it, I know that would never happen. have nothing to offer I'm useless. I'm a female impersinator and a bad one as far as I'm concerned. My chance to be beautiful and truly a girl has long since passed and so have my chances of freedom, happiness, and success. I need to finish the immigration paperwork for my wife, she deserves at least that much. then I'll decide what I do about me and my pseudo-existence
From: Guilty Crown
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Hancel's Promise.
"I want you to feel special. I want u to always feel like u belong on this earth that you are loved and cherished like no other
I want u to constantly feel loved
I pinky promise you that I will make you this way."
The most important words anyone has ever said to me. Thank you my love.
I want u to constantly feel loved
I pinky promise you that I will make you this way."
"Everyday I will do my best, this is the promise i will make to you.
I want to give you the kind of feeling people write novels about."
Saturday, 28 July 2012
The Healthy Life
Y'know what? I'm fucked I just don't get this world. I have no skills, I work at a callcenter and some days the job drives me so close to the edge I just want to cut open my arms. I want to be an artist, I have great ideas but can't put them down on paper or in any other means. I have the mind of a great artist and it would make me so happy to be one but I'm fucked so it's never going to happen. My teen years were spent fighting against my parents and my school for the right to express who I was. The person that was repressed.
My parents thought it was a good idea to not let me get piercings, or dress how I wanted to. When I came out as transgender they wouldn't have it. They were always consumed with my sister or their own lives. I was barely able to attend after school clubs. I was miserably depressed and never felt ilike a proper human and as a result I hated myself and got abused. Now years later I'm fucked with no skills and Borderline Personality Disorder. My life is set in stone and even if it wasn't it's got nowhere to go. My passions will never be realized nore will the pursuit of my passions.
I've lived an unhealthy lifestyle all my life simply because I don't know how to do anything else. I always said I would have no regrets... but I do... I have 1 and that is not having the chance to be a normal healthy teenager. WHY ME?!?! I want friends, I want to have some outlet, I want to be emotionally healthy and I want to have had a good school life. It's so easy to look at me and say "Oh lots of people go through the same thing" and yeah you're right but still this isn't "lots of people" this is ME I am me I feel this pain every day. WHY CAN"T I BE A FUCKING HEALTHY PERSON?!
I'm starting to think that suicide attempt was my best decision ever. I'm too far gone. I need a life coach or something stupid. I need to meet new people. I need to apprentice in art something-or-other. I need another chance to grow and prosper and be all I can be., because right now I'm nothing. I need to explode. I need to just lose it... maybe that will help. Just scream and cry and convulse, lord knows it's coming I fight it every day. but I'm too shut off from the world. People see me and comment on how sad I look little do they know I'm always sad and when they CAN see it it means I'm about to explode. They offer hugs but I have to refuse incase I lose my composure and cry as that would be bad. Whatever fuck this blog I'm going to bed I'm too frustrated.
My parents thought it was a good idea to not let me get piercings, or dress how I wanted to. When I came out as transgender they wouldn't have it. They were always consumed with my sister or their own lives. I was barely able to attend after school clubs. I was miserably depressed and never felt ilike a proper human and as a result I hated myself and got abused. Now years later I'm fucked with no skills and Borderline Personality Disorder. My life is set in stone and even if it wasn't it's got nowhere to go. My passions will never be realized nore will the pursuit of my passions.
I've lived an unhealthy lifestyle all my life simply because I don't know how to do anything else. I always said I would have no regrets... but I do... I have 1 and that is not having the chance to be a normal healthy teenager. WHY ME?!?! I want friends, I want to have some outlet, I want to be emotionally healthy and I want to have had a good school life. It's so easy to look at me and say "Oh lots of people go through the same thing" and yeah you're right but still this isn't "lots of people" this is ME I am me I feel this pain every day. WHY CAN"T I BE A FUCKING HEALTHY PERSON?!
I'm starting to think that suicide attempt was my best decision ever. I'm too far gone. I need a life coach or something stupid. I need to meet new people. I need to apprentice in art something-or-other. I need another chance to grow and prosper and be all I can be., because right now I'm nothing. I need to explode. I need to just lose it... maybe that will help. Just scream and cry and convulse, lord knows it's coming I fight it every day. but I'm too shut off from the world. People see me and comment on how sad I look little do they know I'm always sad and when they CAN see it it means I'm about to explode. They offer hugs but I have to refuse incase I lose my composure and cry as that would be bad. Whatever fuck this blog I'm going to bed I'm too frustrated.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
New Perspective
I feel really stable today. I've felt really stable lately in general. I stayed true to my promise and stayed up the whole night and got paperwork done. I'm really proud of myself that is the first time I've ever risen to a task of that nature and succeeded it makes me feel I am competant and capable of things. I guess you could say it boosted my self esteem. I feel alot more "normal" now, in a good way of course.
I got my ears stretched today. I had them taken from a 14g to a 10g the process was not very painful at all and I feel really good about it. Doing something so out there is kind of nice, I enjoy self expression. I do really need to try and not go overboard though. OH and I did my dishes today. It's the first time I've done my dishes in months. I've only done my dishes maybe 10 plus times since moving out 2 years ago so doing them and not minding made me feel good. I'm hoping this sticks around with me.
Now that so much is out of my way I can finally focus on developing myself as a person and building character, the kind that I want. I am going to start painting I think. The artist life is one I want to pursue even if it is hidden and I don't make a big deal of it painting would be cool. I guess I have a new perspective. I feel... enlightened? Of course I know with bipolar and BPD that could change but I hope that I can at least establish the building blocks so that when my episodes happen I have a more safe environment to recover in. I need to eliminate turmoil and fear in my life and take care of myself more. Sadly I have a mental illness and it requires extra attention. Maybe if I acknowledge it and take care then I can be high functioning like I was today in the future, I'd really like that.
So yeah however I come out I'm not sure but I'm going to try and really enjoy the process of discovering myself in a healthy way. No more self destructing. I need to make healthy choices for me because... well hell, maybe I'm worth it. Never thought I'd read me typing this. Let's just hope my next blog is this positive.
Wish me luck.
Alice
I got my ears stretched today. I had them taken from a 14g to a 10g the process was not very painful at all and I feel really good about it. Doing something so out there is kind of nice, I enjoy self expression. I do really need to try and not go overboard though. OH and I did my dishes today. It's the first time I've done my dishes in months. I've only done my dishes maybe 10 plus times since moving out 2 years ago so doing them and not minding made me feel good. I'm hoping this sticks around with me.
Now that so much is out of my way I can finally focus on developing myself as a person and building character, the kind that I want. I am going to start painting I think. The artist life is one I want to pursue even if it is hidden and I don't make a big deal of it painting would be cool. I guess I have a new perspective. I feel... enlightened? Of course I know with bipolar and BPD that could change but I hope that I can at least establish the building blocks so that when my episodes happen I have a more safe environment to recover in. I need to eliminate turmoil and fear in my life and take care of myself more. Sadly I have a mental illness and it requires extra attention. Maybe if I acknowledge it and take care then I can be high functioning like I was today in the future, I'd really like that.
So yeah however I come out I'm not sure but I'm going to try and really enjoy the process of discovering myself in a healthy way. No more self destructing. I need to make healthy choices for me because... well hell, maybe I'm worth it. Never thought I'd read me typing this. Let's just hope my next blog is this positive.
Wish me luck.
Alice
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Getting her Back.
I wish I could take it all back. That period of time where I wounded my lover. I'm sitting here as the sun rises. Having only gotten 4 hours sleep in these last two days and all I can think of is the damage I've done and how quickly she's forgiven me... I'm so very lucky to have her... I should have nevver hurt her to begin with.
I need to try harder to fight these urges and impulses. She of all people doesn't deserve the kind of pain that I brought. There is nothing I can do to make up for it but I'm going to keep trying. I refuse to sleep until this immigration paperwork is done. I'm nearly done of pictures then it's just printing skype conversations and rechecking emails. Oh and after reciepts and making sure things are in order. I think most of that can be done before sleep... it has to be. It won't make up for what I've done but I really need that girl here with me now more than ever and I've dawdled long enough. No more playing around with little flames. I aim to ignite the earth.
She's mine, and I'm not renting her to anyone, especially the US of A
I need to try harder to fight these urges and impulses. She of all people doesn't deserve the kind of pain that I brought. There is nothing I can do to make up for it but I'm going to keep trying. I refuse to sleep until this immigration paperwork is done. I'm nearly done of pictures then it's just printing skype conversations and rechecking emails. Oh and after reciepts and making sure things are in order. I think most of that can be done before sleep... it has to be. It won't make up for what I've done but I really need that girl here with me now more than ever and I've dawdled long enough. No more playing around with little flames. I aim to ignite the earth.
She's mine, and I'm not renting her to anyone, especially the US of A
Monday, 23 July 2012
Old Blog: IMPORTED!!!
So I found out this nifty feature on Google, which makes me crush on Google even more despite the fact that they are taking my personal information and using it for corporate espionage... I mean... "marketing".
I was able to go to my old blog I kept from Highschool until the time Hancel and I met and merge it with this blog so now you will find this blog has posts that go back to 2007 which were from the other blog I kept. Though I doubt anyone would read them I find them fascinating and they make me realize... I pity my younger self, she really didn't have a chance. I'm going to be reading through all of my old blogs... I feel I've lost too much of myself over the years and I feel the things I've lost are important. So this is my journey, one of self discovery and reversion to a healthy extent... I hope.
So yeah I just had to post this because I thought it was amazing. I want to see if I can merge all my blogs now.
Also I'm thinking of getting back into poetry... I know there is no money in it but what do I care... it's an outlet. Maybe someday I'll write a book a nd sell it to depressed youth XD
I wanted to say more but I'm really overwhelmed with happy right now at this whole blog import thing.
So I'm going to go Bye-bye!!! <3
PS: The drafts from my old blog posted too.... have to fix that... maybe.
I was able to go to my old blog I kept from Highschool until the time Hancel and I met and merge it with this blog so now you will find this blog has posts that go back to 2007 which were from the other blog I kept. Though I doubt anyone would read them I find them fascinating and they make me realize... I pity my younger self, she really didn't have a chance. I'm going to be reading through all of my old blogs... I feel I've lost too much of myself over the years and I feel the things I've lost are important. So this is my journey, one of self discovery and reversion to a healthy extent... I hope.
So yeah I just had to post this because I thought it was amazing. I want to see if I can merge all my blogs now.
Also I'm thinking of getting back into poetry... I know there is no money in it but what do I care... it's an outlet. Maybe someday I'll write a book a nd sell it to depressed youth XD
I wanted to say more but I'm really overwhelmed with happy right now at this whole blog import thing.
So I'm going to go Bye-bye!!! <3
PS: The drafts from my old blog posted too.... have to fix that... maybe.
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Therapy and Hallucinations.
What the fuck am I doing? I missed another therapy session with Danya. I think I'm just going to discontinue our services as I never see her and aside from that I hate her for letting Jude stay with her after I attempted suicide. It's obvious who she cares about and it isn't me. I really wanted to see her today to clear some things up but fuck it I guess I don't get that. Thanks a fucking lot sleep. I just can't wake up or go to bed early. I am unreliable until 1:00PM sadly that's just how it is, getting up in the morning is a real struggle for me, it's why I work nights. It's why I'm not in many positions of importance. My alarms will not awaken me for more than a second.
I called my psychiatrist again today to schedule an appointment (the medication isn't working enough) however she's out of office for ANOTHER month. I feel like absolute shit, all the people who are supposed to be making me better are only pissing me off and making me worse by constantly showing me they don't give a flying fuck about my condition. I'm pissed off. I'm trying my fucking HARDEST to get better but they aren't meeting me half way. I am just one of those people who fell through the cracks, I have always been that person so it should be no surprise that it's like that when I'm grown up too.
This is my final cry. After this it's me and me alone. I don't know if I want to see these useless doctors anymore, or these therapists. Do I need them? Was I worse before I had them? Maybe I'm just a normal person and I can be fine without them. I'm thinking of coming off everything... but I need those mood stabilizers or I go insane. They barely keep me sane as it is but without them I lose my mind.
Oh and while on that topic. I've been hallucinating a SHIT TON. If go out after dark I see some STRANGE and scary shit. Giant decaying corpses lurning over my shoulder. A dog at my feet at 1:00am in the grocery store. Or the fucking wolves that hunt for me when I get close to my apartment They get my blood pumping really fast, feeling that if I don't get in quick enough they will find where I live and eat me. OH and my favorite. The shadowy figure walking behind me projecting images through my head of putting a knife through the back of my neck penetrating my trachea and coming out my adams apple. Going outside at night is really hard for me now. At least I don't see them in the apartment anymore but outside is really hard to take too. Fuck I just want to be normal mentally well....
I have Japanese lessons today... I'm going to look forward to that and if I can stop being sick then hopefully I can make it to work. That is a must given my financial situation.
no I take that back since I wrote about them they are in the apartment. and i FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! tears and crieing goes natural when you see a fucking hulking shadow standing over your desk. I can't hit them or touch them or look at them. I can't win.
I called my psychiatrist again today to schedule an appointment (the medication isn't working enough) however she's out of office for ANOTHER month. I feel like absolute shit, all the people who are supposed to be making me better are only pissing me off and making me worse by constantly showing me they don't give a flying fuck about my condition. I'm pissed off. I'm trying my fucking HARDEST to get better but they aren't meeting me half way. I am just one of those people who fell through the cracks, I have always been that person so it should be no surprise that it's like that when I'm grown up too.
This is my final cry. After this it's me and me alone. I don't know if I want to see these useless doctors anymore, or these therapists. Do I need them? Was I worse before I had them? Maybe I'm just a normal person and I can be fine without them. I'm thinking of coming off everything... but I need those mood stabilizers or I go insane. They barely keep me sane as it is but without them I lose my mind.
Oh and while on that topic. I've been hallucinating a SHIT TON. If go out after dark I see some STRANGE and scary shit. Giant decaying corpses lurning over my shoulder. A dog at my feet at 1:00am in the grocery store. Or the fucking wolves that hunt for me when I get close to my apartment They get my blood pumping really fast, feeling that if I don't get in quick enough they will find where I live and eat me. OH and my favorite. The shadowy figure walking behind me projecting images through my head of putting a knife through the back of my neck penetrating my trachea and coming out my adams apple. Going outside at night is really hard for me now. At least I don't see them in the apartment anymore but outside is really hard to take too. Fuck I just want to be normal mentally well....
I have Japanese lessons today... I'm going to look forward to that and if I can stop being sick then hopefully I can make it to work. That is a must given my financial situation.
no I take that back since I wrote about them they are in the apartment. and i FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! tears and crieing goes natural when you see a fucking hulking shadow standing over your desk. I can't hit them or touch them or look at them. I can't win.
Monday, 16 July 2012
Morning Depression
My morning started out good playing the MMO “Perfect World” for a
little bit. But now after talking to a friend and him saying he might
not be able to make it over tomorrow because of his sleep schedule I’m
miserably depressed. Like I just asked him today and he was upfront.. I
have no reason to feel rejected but all of a sudden I just feel like
everyone hates me or isn’t really interested in me. I kind of just want
to dissapear and watch as everyone goes about their normal lives without
me. People keep saying how much they care and don’t want me gone but I
feel they are empty words. Just lies they tell me to make themselves
feel better for not actually caring.
I haven’t taken my mood stabilizers yet this morning I just switched the dose time last night… maybe that was a bad idea. Then again to think this could be prevented by medication frustrates me to no end. I don’t know wether to switch it back to mornings or not I haven’t been this depressed since I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.
It just doesn’t feel like life is getting any better. I can even see myself being like this with my wife home and after Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which scares me. Why am I even bothering to go through all this if I’ll keep being miserable? Why was I even born? I don’t see many compelling reasons to stay here anymore. Not saying I’m going to kill myself because it would hurt my wife way too much I think… then again I wonder about that sometimes too. I never questioned how much she cared about me before and I know she does but… i just don’t feel it. I’m really a terrible person I just don’t feel any huge connection to anyone anymore. After being left on my own after getting out of the hospital last time I just don’t feel like anything but alone.
I never thought I’d get this messed up but here I am more damaged than ever before. Good job Alice you’re really fucked this time… ok maybe this whole suicide jazz isn’t such a bad idea after all. but there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to unlike last time… there’s a child inside me crying… fuck this.
I haven’t taken my mood stabilizers yet this morning I just switched the dose time last night… maybe that was a bad idea. Then again to think this could be prevented by medication frustrates me to no end. I don’t know wether to switch it back to mornings or not I haven’t been this depressed since I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.
It just doesn’t feel like life is getting any better. I can even see myself being like this with my wife home and after Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which scares me. Why am I even bothering to go through all this if I’ll keep being miserable? Why was I even born? I don’t see many compelling reasons to stay here anymore. Not saying I’m going to kill myself because it would hurt my wife way too much I think… then again I wonder about that sometimes too. I never questioned how much she cared about me before and I know she does but… i just don’t feel it. I’m really a terrible person I just don’t feel any huge connection to anyone anymore. After being left on my own after getting out of the hospital last time I just don’t feel like anything but alone.
I never thought I’d get this messed up but here I am more damaged than ever before. Good job Alice you’re really fucked this time… ok maybe this whole suicide jazz isn’t such a bad idea after all. but there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to unlike last time… there’s a child inside me crying… fuck this.
Friday, 13 July 2012
Coming down (hard)
So I'm crashing, and I'm crashing hard. I feel like absolute shit, in fact if shit could feel I dare say I'd feel worse than it would assuming it felt bad. Let me paint a picture. Mania is flying down the highway on a motorcycle with no helmet at top speed. Crashing from mania (mood swing) is like a transfer truck pulling in front of you and you hitting it head on without any way to stop. I feel like the result of that.
I'm randomly crying for NO real worthwhile reason. Almost argued with my wife over money and my out of control spending (she was in the right) All I want to do is sit on a bench and sleep. Honestly if I could I'd get drunk or high, anything to make this feeling go away. I'm so exausted etc etc etc. Is this going to be the rest of my life? I take my perscribed Valproic-Acid every day to keep my mood in check but it doesn't work. I want to up my dose but I don't want to self medicate... however my psychiatrist isn't in for the whole month... this is going to cause a HUGE problem in my life.
Whatever I'm too tired to blog, screw this.
No wait.... I'm manic again.. FUCK YES!! if I'm rapid cycling I'm going to flip the fuck out but until then FUCK YES I"M NOT MISERABLE ANYMORE!!!
I'm randomly crying for NO real worthwhile reason. Almost argued with my wife over money and my out of control spending (she was in the right) All I want to do is sit on a bench and sleep. Honestly if I could I'd get drunk or high, anything to make this feeling go away. I'm so exausted etc etc etc. Is this going to be the rest of my life? I take my perscribed Valproic-Acid every day to keep my mood in check but it doesn't work. I want to up my dose but I don't want to self medicate... however my psychiatrist isn't in for the whole month... this is going to cause a HUGE problem in my life.
Whatever I'm too tired to blog, screw this.
No wait.... I'm manic again.. FUCK YES!! if I'm rapid cycling I'm going to flip the fuck out but until then FUCK YES I"M NOT MISERABLE ANYMORE!!!
Thursday, 12 July 2012
I'm NOT Bipolar: Tales of Mania
That should be the name of a book and I should write it once this is all said and done and I'm a crazy old lady. Today has been a day of Mania on and off. Being Bipolar Type 2 I experience shorter bursts of Mania than someone who is type 1, this can be frustrating but today I reached a new level of mania, it was... like sex (this blog is going to get explicit from here) Hypersexuality is a huge problem for me when I am manic, it can make me feel like a total degenerate whore which usually after thinking this I end up filleting my arm as punishment for being a worthless slut for having such intense urges for things a married women in a monogymous relationship should not have. This time I didn't, this time I got a call.. ohh what a DELIGHTFUL call it was.
Without giving too much detail I was speaking to an unreasonable chap who was having technical issues. He was angry, oh so amazingly angry and upset. He kept his cool somewhat with small outbursts. He was like watching a volcano spouting bits of fire here and there just waiting for it to erupt into a full blown firestorm. It was delightful (I use that word alot) As the call went on and he got more and more upset he started bleeding from his surgery which made him more whiney and upset, which only made me more enthralled and heightened my euphoric state. I listened to him yell and cry and complain about the most absurd things. He was so incredibly unreasonable even when I offered to send someone to fix his problem so he didn't bleed out he yelled at an overnight wait. He was a gem and I wanted the time we spent together to go on. Merited I couldn't deal with this in person I think I would be scared he would hurt me... then again perhapse I wouldn't I feel pretty fucking invincible right now. Don't get me wrong I help people and I am compassionate to those who deserve it but oh my goodness it's a treat when the unreasonable decide to cross my path. THe people who think the world is theirs and that I should lick their boot. To teach them who actually owns the world and who should lick who's boot is truly a delicacy. To watch them suffer like a child and expect me to take their abuse. I could go on forever about the feeling of this scenario but I will spare you my oh so silent Blog Maybe I should just look into being some kind of dominatrix... though I could only do it when I'm manic haha!
I'm currently writing the digits of Pi on my arm as a lack of things to do I'll post how many numbers I got to later it gives me something to do and to put my mind on.
Anyway I'm done blogging I have things to do and such. It's been a slice taking about my crazy moments. Can't wait to see how this night unfolds. This is so much better than how I've been feeling. I'm probably going to suffer a huge crash but WHATEVER!!!!!
Without giving too much detail I was speaking to an unreasonable chap who was having technical issues. He was angry, oh so amazingly angry and upset. He kept his cool somewhat with small outbursts. He was like watching a volcano spouting bits of fire here and there just waiting for it to erupt into a full blown firestorm. It was delightful (I use that word alot) As the call went on and he got more and more upset he started bleeding from his surgery which made him more whiney and upset, which only made me more enthralled and heightened my euphoric state. I listened to him yell and cry and complain about the most absurd things. He was so incredibly unreasonable even when I offered to send someone to fix his problem so he didn't bleed out he yelled at an overnight wait. He was a gem and I wanted the time we spent together to go on. Merited I couldn't deal with this in person I think I would be scared he would hurt me... then again perhapse I wouldn't I feel pretty fucking invincible right now. Don't get me wrong I help people and I am compassionate to those who deserve it but oh my goodness it's a treat when the unreasonable decide to cross my path. THe people who think the world is theirs and that I should lick their boot. To teach them who actually owns the world and who should lick who's boot is truly a delicacy. To watch them suffer like a child and expect me to take their abuse. I could go on forever about the feeling of this scenario but I will spare you my oh so silent Blog Maybe I should just look into being some kind of dominatrix... though I could only do it when I'm manic haha!
I'm currently writing the digits of Pi on my arm as a lack of things to do I'll post how many numbers I got to later it gives me something to do and to put my mind on.
Anyway I'm done blogging I have things to do and such. It's been a slice taking about my crazy moments. Can't wait to see how this night unfolds. This is so much better than how I've been feeling. I'm probably going to suffer a huge crash but WHATEVER!!!!!
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Beast and the Harlot
I need a revelation, like the one I got last time I tried to die... then again dieing would be good too. I could go for that. I don't want to be the person I am forced to be for everyone else. Then again if I got what I wanted... what would I be, who would I be? I'm really thinking about doing a take 2 on this suicide thing. My problems aren't going away and they aren't going to either, Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't go away and it isn't cured, it is me and I am it... my brain has been turned into a sickness and now everything I want is sickness. I want things that I can't have. Things that wound those around me.
I need to be with people, it's the only way I can stay normal. I need to feel another human being. I crave things I should not crave and for that I'm a whore. For putting the one that means most to me through so much pain I'd rather die. It's either cheat, or suffer... neither of those I can handle so a bottle of pills seems just as adequate. Don't get me wrong Blog I don't just want to die because I'm a harlot and because I'm a parasite who feeds off of others to sustain myself, no not so much. It's also the hallucinations, the voices, the sickness, the inability to function normally, and knowing that I'll NEVER be truly happy. I'll just coast through life that's the best I can hope for. It's either that or go crazy and fuck who I want drink what I want pop what I want and smoke whatever I want. That's generally how people with BPD live and frankly I understand now why. If all I get is a borderline life why not do whatever the fuck I want to self dstructive or not. I might as well feel SOMETHING
I'll leave you with a quote on BPD:
“The borderline patient is a therapist’s nightmare…because borderlines never really get better. The best you can do is help them coast, without getting sucked into their pathology…They’re the chronically depressed, the determinedly addictive, living from one emotional disaster to the next. Bed hoppers, stomach pumpers, freeway jumpers, and sad-eyed bench sitters with arms stitched up like footballs and psychic wounds that can never be sutured. Their egos and fragile as spun sugar, their psyches irretrievably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle with crucial pieces missing. Borderlines go from therapist to therapist, hoping to find a magic bullet for the crushing feelings of emptiness…And they end up taking temporary vacations in psychiatric wards, emerge looking good, raising everyone’s hopes. Until the next letdown, real or imagined, the next excursion into self-damage. What they don’t do is change." -Jonathan Kellerman
I need to be with people, it's the only way I can stay normal. I need to feel another human being. I crave things I should not crave and for that I'm a whore. For putting the one that means most to me through so much pain I'd rather die. It's either cheat, or suffer... neither of those I can handle so a bottle of pills seems just as adequate. Don't get me wrong Blog I don't just want to die because I'm a harlot and because I'm a parasite who feeds off of others to sustain myself, no not so much. It's also the hallucinations, the voices, the sickness, the inability to function normally, and knowing that I'll NEVER be truly happy. I'll just coast through life that's the best I can hope for. It's either that or go crazy and fuck who I want drink what I want pop what I want and smoke whatever I want. That's generally how people with BPD live and frankly I understand now why. If all I get is a borderline life why not do whatever the fuck I want to self dstructive or not. I might as well feel SOMETHING
I'll leave you with a quote on BPD:
“The borderline patient is a therapist’s nightmare…because borderlines never really get better. The best you can do is help them coast, without getting sucked into their pathology…They’re the chronically depressed, the determinedly addictive, living from one emotional disaster to the next. Bed hoppers, stomach pumpers, freeway jumpers, and sad-eyed bench sitters with arms stitched up like footballs and psychic wounds that can never be sutured. Their egos and fragile as spun sugar, their psyches irretrievably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle with crucial pieces missing. Borderlines go from therapist to therapist, hoping to find a magic bullet for the crushing feelings of emptiness…And they end up taking temporary vacations in psychiatric wards, emerge looking good, raising everyone’s hopes. Until the next letdown, real or imagined, the next excursion into self-damage. What they don’t do is change." -Jonathan Kellerman
Night Time Hallucinations
I need to go to sleep... but I can't bring myself to lay in the bedroom. I know that when I go there something horrifying will be waiting for me. I never realized this was a problem, I kind of just thought it was normal or it was just how I am but now I have to wonder if the voices and hallucinations aren't part of my sickness... why do I have to be so scared of them... why do they have to be so terrifying I can't even describe what they look like it's so awful and when I describe them they come.. guh have to stop hair on neck... FUCK I need to get my knife back from the hospital. What is wrong with me... this is NOT normal and it's NOT okay. I don't want to be sick I've always done SO WELL at hiding it but it is getting worse and I'm so so very scared. I'm almost in tears. I need to step away from writing this for a while and play some video games...
The sun is finally up so maybe I can go to bed, light doesn't seem to completely fix the issue but it at least lessens it sometimes. This is becoming too much I need to talk to my therapist about this today even though she does deal in rape and sexual assault she's all I've got as far as therapists presently my psychiatrist is only in a couple days this month.
I need to find out what's wrong with me and get better or at least manage it I can't keep living like this. Anyway I'm exausted from being terrified for hours so I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is helpful. I plan to work on my wife's immigration paperwork. We're nearly done I need to push harder and finish before I lose myself. the feeling that I am going to dissapear and be replaced by something else is terrifying. I need to be euthanized. For now I'll have to keep staying strong and doing whatever is needed to maintain control and continue my life.. hopefully between now and then therapy and psychology will have a breakthrough. I need to learn how to manage this if it's possible. There is too much riding on my shoulders for me to let insanity take hold. All through this the only person I worry about is Hancel. If she wasn't depending on me I'd be less scared but I fear what this will do to her.
Keep strong Alice, and fight the monsters as long as you can.
The sun is finally up so maybe I can go to bed, light doesn't seem to completely fix the issue but it at least lessens it sometimes. This is becoming too much I need to talk to my therapist about this today even though she does deal in rape and sexual assault she's all I've got as far as therapists presently my psychiatrist is only in a couple days this month.
I need to find out what's wrong with me and get better or at least manage it I can't keep living like this. Anyway I'm exausted from being terrified for hours so I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is helpful. I plan to work on my wife's immigration paperwork. We're nearly done I need to push harder and finish before I lose myself. the feeling that I am going to dissapear and be replaced by something else is terrifying. I need to be euthanized. For now I'll have to keep staying strong and doing whatever is needed to maintain control and continue my life.. hopefully between now and then therapy and psychology will have a breakthrough. I need to learn how to manage this if it's possible. There is too much riding on my shoulders for me to let insanity take hold. All through this the only person I worry about is Hancel. If she wasn't depending on me I'd be less scared but I fear what this will do to her.
Keep strong Alice, and fight the monsters as long as you can.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Descent into Madness
I've come to an unsettling and somewhat scary conclusion. I'm insane. I hallucinate, I hear voices (mild) I'm terrified to be alone some nights because the shadows and the child with the long black hair will stand at the end of the hallways and watch me from around corners putting images in my head of them flying after me. I'm scared of my hallway, I'm scared of corners. I find it hard to stay faithful in relationships though I've only debateably cheated once ever it is getting harder and harder to resist my desire for human contact, maybe not even sex just being close to a person and feeling that I'm something. I just want to lay in someone's arms even if we're not a couple, even if they don't give a fuck about me but to imagine for that moment that I'm safe.... that's the only time I feel truly safe. I have more and more difficulty talking to people or expressing how I feel with words. I don't want someone telling me they care, I don't want someone being verbally kind to me... I know it's so easy to lie with words and it hurts... but human contact... I can get what I need without someone having to lie and I can give them affections they need without having to lie... it's so perfect really. However life isn't that easy... I'm married and although that doesn't restrict cuddling (I don't think) being transgender does. Although no one will say it to my face I know most men and women don't want to be close to me as a result of my gender identity
I feel I'm so irreversibly fucked up and it's getting worse and worse and that scares me. I deny it all the time especially when doctors ask but I'm getting so much worse. The last time I got stoned I heard the most amazing music the WHOLE time (auditory hallucination) it was wonderful, then I listened in closer and realized that the music I was listening to was thousands of people screaming... I've been told by doctors I'm at high risk for developing psychosis... people with psychosis hallucinate when high... apparentally marijuana can severely harm people with mental illnesses such as the ones I am in possession of... or are in possession of me is more appropriate. I'll have to monitor it. Daily life is also getting more and more difficult.
Today was one of my harder days from the moment I woke up I wished I was dead before I even got out of bed or looked at my phone, I generally sleep in because being awake is just too unpleasant. I can barely talk to my wife because everything I could say to her will bring her misery.. I'm poison for her and I hurt her all the time with my feelings. It kills me to watch her suffer at my hands, I love her more than anything yet I wound her worse than anyone... then again I don't let anyone else get close to me. I wish she could find someone else and be happy... as destroyed as I'd be without her I just hate seeing her sad, if I was her friend I would tell her to leave me and find someone better... she's definitely a prize, men and women would line up for a chance to get with her, and they do in fact. So many people want to be with her but yet she stays with me... I don't understand why she chooses the most fucked up thing in the lot. Why does she love me?
I just wonder how far gone I'll go... how deep will I descent into this madness... hallucinations are getting worse... voices are getting more sinister and my self hatred and anger are ever increasing. It's a constant struggle against myself. I put on a good show, letting people think I'm perfectly or at least mostly normal but I'm not. Today my head got so far away from me I just wanted to go out and get intoxicated and lose myself, just give in to whatever this is and let whatever it is I'm feeling take hold. I was so consumed by these desires and thoughts that to continue functioning I had to go into a restroom and punch myself in the right side of my head until I held my head trying not to cry from the pain. I'm not sure which hurt more my head or my knuckles. I'm both shocked and grateful that no one heard the sound of the impact, perhapse it sounded louder to me. I looked in the mirror at myself afterwards seeing this disgusting looking person in the mirror with straw like hair holding their head in severe pain and thought of how that would look when I'm elderly... will I be like those old women in wards with dementia... I don't want that... I don't want to be a hagard monster from abusing myself and taking all my pain and frustration and urges out in the form of violence on myself.... I have seen the results of untreated psychosis and it's fucking terrifying... but I've tried to get treatment and I've been turned away from the hospital so often... apparentally that's common for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder, we're like "revolving doors" at the hospital or so my therapist said.
I've decided I either need to end myself or embrace my insanity and stop fighting against it and taking it out on myself. Some people are just crazy... maybe I'm just one of those people that is just meant to be insane and I should just stop fighting it and learn to adapt and make use of it.... I don't know... I fear for my wife... I'm so sick and messed up and although I'm hurting... I know she is hurting too... The only reason I stay as "controlled" as I do is to protect her, from me...
I need...
I feel I'm so irreversibly fucked up and it's getting worse and worse and that scares me. I deny it all the time especially when doctors ask but I'm getting so much worse. The last time I got stoned I heard the most amazing music the WHOLE time (auditory hallucination) it was wonderful, then I listened in closer and realized that the music I was listening to was thousands of people screaming... I've been told by doctors I'm at high risk for developing psychosis... people with psychosis hallucinate when high... apparentally marijuana can severely harm people with mental illnesses such as the ones I am in possession of... or are in possession of me is more appropriate. I'll have to monitor it. Daily life is also getting more and more difficult.
Today was one of my harder days from the moment I woke up I wished I was dead before I even got out of bed or looked at my phone, I generally sleep in because being awake is just too unpleasant. I can barely talk to my wife because everything I could say to her will bring her misery.. I'm poison for her and I hurt her all the time with my feelings. It kills me to watch her suffer at my hands, I love her more than anything yet I wound her worse than anyone... then again I don't let anyone else get close to me. I wish she could find someone else and be happy... as destroyed as I'd be without her I just hate seeing her sad, if I was her friend I would tell her to leave me and find someone better... she's definitely a prize, men and women would line up for a chance to get with her, and they do in fact. So many people want to be with her but yet she stays with me... I don't understand why she chooses the most fucked up thing in the lot. Why does she love me?
I just wonder how far gone I'll go... how deep will I descent into this madness... hallucinations are getting worse... voices are getting more sinister and my self hatred and anger are ever increasing. It's a constant struggle against myself. I put on a good show, letting people think I'm perfectly or at least mostly normal but I'm not. Today my head got so far away from me I just wanted to go out and get intoxicated and lose myself, just give in to whatever this is and let whatever it is I'm feeling take hold. I was so consumed by these desires and thoughts that to continue functioning I had to go into a restroom and punch myself in the right side of my head until I held my head trying not to cry from the pain. I'm not sure which hurt more my head or my knuckles. I'm both shocked and grateful that no one heard the sound of the impact, perhapse it sounded louder to me. I looked in the mirror at myself afterwards seeing this disgusting looking person in the mirror with straw like hair holding their head in severe pain and thought of how that would look when I'm elderly... will I be like those old women in wards with dementia... I don't want that... I don't want to be a hagard monster from abusing myself and taking all my pain and frustration and urges out in the form of violence on myself.... I have seen the results of untreated psychosis and it's fucking terrifying... but I've tried to get treatment and I've been turned away from the hospital so often... apparentally that's common for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder, we're like "revolving doors" at the hospital or so my therapist said.
I've decided I either need to end myself or embrace my insanity and stop fighting against it and taking it out on myself. Some people are just crazy... maybe I'm just one of those people that is just meant to be insane and I should just stop fighting it and learn to adapt and make use of it.... I don't know... I fear for my wife... I'm so sick and messed up and although I'm hurting... I know she is hurting too... The only reason I stay as "controlled" as I do is to protect her, from me...
I need...
Brain Splatter
Is everything painful when it's not numb. Is something wrong with me? Am I even alive? I'm kind of starting to question if I'm real, or maybe not so much wether or not I'm real but perhapse everything around me isn't real. I don't feel anything, pain is the only thing that makes me speculate as to the validity of my existence. I'm not sad, I'm just nothing or atleast that's how it seems to me.
I frankly wish I could just die or have succeeded in my suicide attempt. It's not so much that living is "painful" it's that living is the absence of anything except anger and nothingness.
What's worse is I have this wife, she'd do anything for me and stick with me through anything. I completely don't deserve her in fact me ceasing to exist would probably be better for her. She deserves someone far more able to please her than me. When it comes down to it I'm probably the worst thing for her. She's loyal without failure and thus far I've been more or less similar but there is always this desire a pull toward human affections. I read this is common with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder which is lovely as I have both. I don't mean to sound like some sexual deviant (I hide it really well) but I need human contact and I hate myself for it. I know it's normal but if you're in a perfectly good relationship then you should be able to resist without it killing you.
I really need to dissapear I want to go out and get really intoxicated and just see where I wake up, let my instincts just do the talking. I UGH yet again I sit here trying to articulate how I feel but failing this is so frustrating. I'm going to go be frustrated and regroup my thoughts. I'll try again later.
I frankly wish I could just die or have succeeded in my suicide attempt. It's not so much that living is "painful" it's that living is the absence of anything except anger and nothingness.
What's worse is I have this wife, she'd do anything for me and stick with me through anything. I completely don't deserve her in fact me ceasing to exist would probably be better for her. She deserves someone far more able to please her than me. When it comes down to it I'm probably the worst thing for her. She's loyal without failure and thus far I've been more or less similar but there is always this desire a pull toward human affections. I read this is common with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder which is lovely as I have both. I don't mean to sound like some sexual deviant (I hide it really well) but I need human contact and I hate myself for it. I know it's normal but if you're in a perfectly good relationship then you should be able to resist without it killing you.
I really need to dissapear I want to go out and get really intoxicated and just see where I wake up, let my instincts just do the talking. I UGH yet again I sit here trying to articulate how I feel but failing this is so frustrating. I'm going to go be frustrated and regroup my thoughts. I'll try again later.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Subtle Notions.
I keep trying to find enjoyment in day to day life. So far I haven't gotten any. If you're reading this blog because you're looking for something posative you might as well stop now. I see that I get pageviewers and I can't fathom who would be reading this blog though it seems most are local. This is the last piece of media minus Tumblr that I don't have to censor.
I kind of feel like a broken robot in alot of ways. I have my tasks for the day and usually I get none of them done, I typically end up staring at a computer screen trying to make myself happy but ultimately failing. It's now morning and the sun is coming up and I can't wait to go to bed. It seems not existing is more pleasant than it's counterpart. That period where I was in t the hospital, the part that I know have amnesia with regards to... it was wonderful as to me it's like I never was.
I think if I could go back in time I would stop trying to have friends sooner and just accept being alone to prepare for what the rest of my life would be. Though while I say that I'm being dishonest. I wish I had people around who cared about me and made efforts to talk to me about all these things in my head and hang out with me. But I'll never admit it to anyone, I'm not letting anyone back in easily. I'd rather push them away sooner than later, save the heartbreak of a friendship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd rather save them getting inside my head and realizing how dark it is and then having them try to save me (though I want them to) I don't think anyone knows just how messed up I am, I don't think they see the scars on my arms as I try to hide them unless my sweater becomes unbearable. I think that on the outside I seem more or less normal. I'm the perfect disguise. This blog is my dark pleasure.
I make subtle attempts at human contact usually at work but they go unoticed and that's fine it used to upset me but I'm far over it. Besides the people involved likely have no idea I'm trying to have an interaction with them, or maybe I'm going about it poorly. Either way most of my day is spent with my mouth closed, I've grown to hate talking I like silence.
Anyway I'm going to bed I'm exhausted and sick of being here to think about things.
Later.
I kind of feel like a broken robot in alot of ways. I have my tasks for the day and usually I get none of them done, I typically end up staring at a computer screen trying to make myself happy but ultimately failing. It's now morning and the sun is coming up and I can't wait to go to bed. It seems not existing is more pleasant than it's counterpart. That period where I was in t the hospital, the part that I know have amnesia with regards to... it was wonderful as to me it's like I never was.
I think if I could go back in time I would stop trying to have friends sooner and just accept being alone to prepare for what the rest of my life would be. Though while I say that I'm being dishonest. I wish I had people around who cared about me and made efforts to talk to me about all these things in my head and hang out with me. But I'll never admit it to anyone, I'm not letting anyone back in easily. I'd rather push them away sooner than later, save the heartbreak of a friendship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd rather save them getting inside my head and realizing how dark it is and then having them try to save me (though I want them to) I don't think anyone knows just how messed up I am, I don't think they see the scars on my arms as I try to hide them unless my sweater becomes unbearable. I think that on the outside I seem more or less normal. I'm the perfect disguise. This blog is my dark pleasure.
I make subtle attempts at human contact usually at work but they go unoticed and that's fine it used to upset me but I'm far over it. Besides the people involved likely have no idea I'm trying to have an interaction with them, or maybe I'm going about it poorly. Either way most of my day is spent with my mouth closed, I've grown to hate talking I like silence.
Anyway I'm going to bed I'm exhausted and sick of being here to think about things.
Later.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Thoughts on Things.
So nothing new has really happened at all, I kind of just exist. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I don't really se a point in going but I might as well, then at least when people see me struggling they can't say I didn't try to get better and fix my life. I just wonder how long I will carry on this struggle and what will cause it to let up (if anything). Everything just feels kind of hopeless like I'm never going to get better, I've kind of come to the conclusion that I just have to do what I want and ignore all else in hopes that things will get better and if they don't then at least I'll be me.
After the whole suicide attempt thing and being saved and stuck here longer I kind of stopped caring what people think of me. This world seems really temporary and so do the people in it. I mean I'm the girl who tried to take her own life why should I of all people care what the world thinks. In that regard attempting to take my life was really liberating, I don't really suffer anxiety issues anymore. In fact I dare say I'm quite confident, no maybe not confident I just don't give a fuck anymore. Though a downside is for some reason I'm always angry, I feel like a pissed off teenager then again in my opinion I have the right to feel that way. I've been raped, abused, beaten, ridiculed, and discarded countless times. and now years later as a result I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just one of those people that got fucked up by so many people that there is no fixing me now, it's only "managing" my problems. So fuck the world, and fuck society. I have little concern for it I'll just kick around until my time here is up and then I will cease existing. I can live with that.
I don't really think it's cruel, I mean the world in general is cruel so if anything what I've been through is more or less "normal. Society failed to protect me and it's not surprising nor do I really care. Society is a guise used to give people the illusion of safety in a civilised social structure, however as I've learned not all adhere to that code. There are people who want things and they don't care if it hurts others to get them. I don't know what it was about me that makes me so easy to take advantage of or use and toss away but it's really annoying.
Anyway I need to go to bed, therapy in the morning and all that garbage.
Also:
Monday, 2 July 2012
Suicide Attempt: Failed
I'm still trying to finish up the journal's I wrote while in a Psychiatric ward but I've been interrupted. Honestly writing this seems surreal as fuck but I guess it's not so much the writing it part but more that I still exist to write it, not sure yet if I'm happy about that or not.
Two days ago on Tuesday after my first day back to work and that morning having Jude break up with me and saying he was going back to the states while I was coming down off of Zopiclone "Sleeping Medication". I tried to kill myself, I'm kind of still mad that I failed at succeeding because now when I talk about it it will sound like I'm in it for the attention, hence why I'm posting here where not many read and I won't be judged by a bunch of ignorant half-wits.
So yeah, suicide. I was okay with Jude leaving me, rather I could cope but then he posted a facebook status after leaving the apartment, it was the lyrics from a song I now loathe by a band called Rise Against.
"...and I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye.
There's a train leaving town in an hour, it's not waiting for you, and neither am I."
I couldn't take it, right after being broken up with. So I wrote a blog on tumblr while slowly overdosing on Zopiclone. I wanted to do it slow to make sure it's what I really wanted and sure enough I didn't. I talked to people not telling them I was dieing while I spoke to them but Jude caught on after 8 pills and my text getting more and more unreadable he called the paramedics to come get me and called my mother. I was really mad, I genuinely wanted to die. I remember texting him how mad I was that they were putting in an IV to save me.
When I got home the next day Jude was nowhere to be found. He later came in and told me he was going back to america tomorrow and that he was staying iwth our therapist Danya tonight. He said he couldn't deal with this and needed to put himself first so he was leaving. I was pretty devistated, I had just gotten home after trying to die to which he rescued me but instead of actually rescuing me he just took my choice away from me and then left me. I decided then that I was going to try to kill myself again. Hancel could tell something was wrong and sent over a friend to make sure I didn't do anything, he was super nice and it worked I decided to stay on this plane.
Two days ago on Tuesday after my first day back to work and that morning having Jude break up with me and saying he was going back to the states while I was coming down off of Zopiclone "Sleeping Medication". I tried to kill myself, I'm kind of still mad that I failed at succeeding because now when I talk about it it will sound like I'm in it for the attention, hence why I'm posting here where not many read and I won't be judged by a bunch of ignorant half-wits.
So yeah, suicide. I was okay with Jude leaving me, rather I could cope but then he posted a facebook status after leaving the apartment, it was the lyrics from a song I now loathe by a band called Rise Against.
"...and I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye.
There's a train leaving town in an hour, it's not waiting for you, and neither am I."
I couldn't take it, right after being broken up with. So I wrote a blog on tumblr while slowly overdosing on Zopiclone. I wanted to do it slow to make sure it's what I really wanted and sure enough I didn't. I talked to people not telling them I was dieing while I spoke to them but Jude caught on after 8 pills and my text getting more and more unreadable he called the paramedics to come get me and called my mother. I was really mad, I genuinely wanted to die. I remember texting him how mad I was that they were putting in an IV to save me.
When I got home the next day Jude was nowhere to be found. He later came in and told me he was going back to america tomorrow and that he was staying iwth our therapist Danya tonight. He said he couldn't deal with this and needed to put himself first so he was leaving. I was pretty devistated, I had just gotten home after trying to die to which he rescued me but instead of actually rescuing me he just took my choice away from me and then left me. I decided then that I was going to try to kill myself again. Hancel could tell something was wrong and sent over a friend to make sure I didn't do anything, he was super nice and it worked I decided to stay on this plane.
So Hancel and I are together again (thank glob) and I still exist. I figured after being saved I'd have some great epiphany I mean isn't that how it goes in movies... well not so much. The only thing I'm left with is this feeling that I don't belong here. I really feel as though I should be dead. anyway I'm tired I'll blog more when I wake up I've been typing this blog for 2 days now ugh.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Psych Ward: Day 3
I was woken up by a vampire nurse who stuck a needle in my arm to draw 5.5 viles of blood though she told me only about drawing 4, (presumably her personal stash was getting low). I was so tired I didn't really care I just laid in bed only getting up to take my meds and get breakfast, they forgot my breakfast tray but I didn't bother bringing it up I just slept until noon. When I called Jude he was really upset. The neighbours claimed the cat he took in (while pregnant and full of fleas) was theirs. Jude's drunk landlord got involved and made things worse. He's been out of control. Jude was planning on going to the states to escape it all. I was upset but supportive, offering him to live with me.
I talked to Dr S and she says my dose on Divalproex (mood stabilizer) is too low and that it would be put at 750mgs as of tomorrow night. She is also cutting the sleeping pill to half a dose and taking me off antidepressants as they can alter moods and she had seen me on a large manic streak. After she sent me to Art therapy where I met a girl close to my age, we chatted a bit as we have alot in common. Finally, someone.
Jude came to visit as usual and I convinced him to move in with me instead of leave Canada. More to look forward to for me. That night Jude and I talked for a solid 4 hours completely immersed. It was amazing.
That night mania got worse. I sat in my room scribbling on paper imagining it to be great art I scribbled and clawed at my arm as the sensation was pleasing and I wanted to see how far I could go before it hurt too much. on the paper with scribbles I wrote "MY Mind" I felt like god. thank god the sleeping pills knocked me out while I sat up in my bed.
I talked to Dr S and she says my dose on Divalproex (mood stabilizer) is too low and that it would be put at 750mgs as of tomorrow night. She is also cutting the sleeping pill to half a dose and taking me off antidepressants as they can alter moods and she had seen me on a large manic streak. After she sent me to Art therapy where I met a girl close to my age, we chatted a bit as we have alot in common. Finally, someone.
Jude came to visit as usual and I convinced him to move in with me instead of leave Canada. More to look forward to for me. That night Jude and I talked for a solid 4 hours completely immersed. It was amazing.
That night mania got worse. I sat in my room scribbling on paper imagining it to be great art I scribbled and clawed at my arm as the sensation was pleasing and I wanted to see how far I could go before it hurt too much. on the paper with scribbles I wrote "MY Mind" I felt like god. thank god the sleeping pills knocked me out while I sat up in my bed.
Psych Ward: Day 2
I don't know when I woke up today as my manic state did not want to leave. At one point a male nurse opened the door and looked in to see me staring at him (I got bored of pretending to sleep) He asked how much sleep I had gotten to which I replied 4 hours, as without a clock I had no idea how much time had passed. I just knew I hadn't gotten much rest.
I got out of bed, no one else was around except nurses. The person in the room next to me had been discharged and a new guy lie in bed. I couldn't understand how people could sleep with their doors open. I soon was overcome by a wave of horrid depression so I went back to bed. I soon felt hysterically manic again then depressed soonafter. I silently cursed to myself when I realized I was rapid cycling, my least favorite state to be in. I decided to only get out of bed for medication and food. I was told by a nurse that I would be working from now on with Dr Stewart. I was happy to hear that at least. I continued to lay in bed until the mood stabilizers kicked in and I stopped rapid cycling.
I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo until I got anxious. I wanted to see the doctor and get a different opinion. Dr Amadula's words were still echoeing from the day before, I tried to get them out of my head. As I sat far away from everyone I heard someone yelling. "I know but I shouldn't be hereit's a mistake, my fathers a fucking asshole!" I smirked and tuned in to their conversation. The kid's name was Vincent and he was really mad, you might even say confused. He wanted out, the nurses reasoned with him several times and eventually gave him something to "take the edge off". This was now sounding more like the psych ward I had expected.
I talked to a nurse about getting out at noon for my therapy with Danya who I was anxious to talk to. The nurses informed me that the Dr would likely give me a pass to see her but after waiting for hours there was still no word. I called Danya extremely upset to cancel our meeting but I got only voicemail. I left a casual message stating I could not make it and apologised. After the call Vincent got back from seeing Dr Stewart. He was screaming louder and louder that he was being caused "Stress and Trauma". They sent us to our rooms while they hauled him away. It was amusing for a while but ultimately disturbing from my room I heard him scream a muffled but loud "FUCK YOU!" and then... silence. Next I knew a kind nurse told me I had a phone call. It was Danya asking how I was doing. I told her I hated it and fought back tears. She exxpressed sympathy saying that she's heard "mixed reviews". by the end of the call I was crying and went back to my roomscribbling on paper:
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
until the Dr called me in...
We talked about my feelings, she had read my records and reports. I asked if she thought I was mentally ill and she said that she believed I did in fact have either one of or both Bipolar Disorder type 2 or Borderline Personality Disorder. I nodded and asked to leave the Unit as it was freaking me out. She said I could go but based on me wanting a diagnoses and needing proper medication that staying would be my best option to achieve those goals quickly. I agreed to stay and with that control I felt fine. She put me on sleeping meds that would later rock my fucking world but before that Jude came in and we tried scrabble but failed due to there being way too many tiles and patients having scratched things into them. So we cuddled on a couch watching Tv. It was pleasant, before he went home he said I needed a new shirt so he gave me his. It smelled just like him, my favorite smell in the world. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills which made me really high and put an awful taste in my mouth. For the next 30 minutes I sat in my room thinking I was Queen of the Crackers and tahat I was eating them to create a defense against the awful taste, they screamed and cried as I consumed them or as I clumsily opened their package breaking off a part of them but it was all necessary to preserve my mouth. After I while I fell around the room until I landed in bed and blacked out.
I got out of bed, no one else was around except nurses. The person in the room next to me had been discharged and a new guy lie in bed. I couldn't understand how people could sleep with their doors open. I soon was overcome by a wave of horrid depression so I went back to bed. I soon felt hysterically manic again then depressed soonafter. I silently cursed to myself when I realized I was rapid cycling, my least favorite state to be in. I decided to only get out of bed for medication and food. I was told by a nurse that I would be working from now on with Dr Stewart. I was happy to hear that at least. I continued to lay in bed until the mood stabilizers kicked in and I stopped rapid cycling.
I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo until I got anxious. I wanted to see the doctor and get a different opinion. Dr Amadula's words were still echoeing from the day before, I tried to get them out of my head. As I sat far away from everyone I heard someone yelling. "I know but I shouldn't be hereit's a mistake, my fathers a fucking asshole!" I smirked and tuned in to their conversation. The kid's name was Vincent and he was really mad, you might even say confused. He wanted out, the nurses reasoned with him several times and eventually gave him something to "take the edge off". This was now sounding more like the psych ward I had expected.
I talked to a nurse about getting out at noon for my therapy with Danya who I was anxious to talk to. The nurses informed me that the Dr would likely give me a pass to see her but after waiting for hours there was still no word. I called Danya extremely upset to cancel our meeting but I got only voicemail. I left a casual message stating I could not make it and apologised. After the call Vincent got back from seeing Dr Stewart. He was screaming louder and louder that he was being caused "Stress and Trauma". They sent us to our rooms while they hauled him away. It was amusing for a while but ultimately disturbing from my room I heard him scream a muffled but loud "FUCK YOU!" and then... silence. Next I knew a kind nurse told me I had a phone call. It was Danya asking how I was doing. I told her I hated it and fought back tears. She exxpressed sympathy saying that she's heard "mixed reviews". by the end of the call I was crying and went back to my roomscribbling on paper:
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
until the Dr called me in...
We talked about my feelings, she had read my records and reports. I asked if she thought I was mentally ill and she said that she believed I did in fact have either one of or both Bipolar Disorder type 2 or Borderline Personality Disorder. I nodded and asked to leave the Unit as it was freaking me out. She said I could go but based on me wanting a diagnoses and needing proper medication that staying would be my best option to achieve those goals quickly. I agreed to stay and with that control I felt fine. She put me on sleeping meds that would later rock my fucking world but before that Jude came in and we tried scrabble but failed due to there being way too many tiles and patients having scratched things into them. So we cuddled on a couch watching Tv. It was pleasant, before he went home he said I needed a new shirt so he gave me his. It smelled just like him, my favorite smell in the world. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills which made me really high and put an awful taste in my mouth. For the next 30 minutes I sat in my room thinking I was Queen of the Crackers and tahat I was eating them to create a defense against the awful taste, they screamed and cried as I consumed them or as I clumsily opened their package breaking off a part of them but it was all necessary to preserve my mouth. After I while I fell around the room until I landed in bed and blacked out.
Psych Ward: Day 1
I woke up this morning to the sound of some women who could barely speak coming through the loudspeaker in my-and all rooms. Since I didn't understand what was said I ignored it as jargan and went back to sleep, only later to be woken by a nurse and Dr Amadula. I was half asleep but knew this would be less than pleasant. Dr A seemed not amused I had bypassed his authority and got admitted. This didn't surprise me as he seemed to have a superiority complex. He went on to comment on how I have two therapists who are not helping me and that it would need to be "re-evaluated". I wanted to do such unspeakable things to this man. I told him that therapists alone cannot fix mental illnesses. He said that I do not have bipolar disorder and am not depressed despite what doctors and therapists may say. He didn't believe I cut until I showed him the long cut down my left arm. He asked if I cut to keep friends around. I denied it angrily since I hide my cuts as they tend to push others away. He commented on how I lack friends and appear "antisocial" and to "rely on relationships for stability". I continued telling him how wrong he was but he carried on asking why I refused eye contact, asking if autism ran in my family. He then summed it up by saying that I'm not sick I just have behavioral problems that I need to work out and stop relying on others. Then he walked out, leaving my world and view on psychiatry and society fucking shattered. I wanted to die more than when I came in. If this was all behavioral and I was expected to control these feelings alone I was done. It was impossible. In a 5 minute conversation every hope I had was smashed and he cheerfully walked off to make more money.
A nurse asked if I wanted to eat, I refused and refused also to leave my bed as when I looked there was a huge guy pacing outside my room. The nurse calmly said I would have to get up soon. Time passed and another nurse gave me my morning medications. Soon after she left I got up I saw the big guy in the room next to me. "So he was the one crying." I was shocked such an innocent sound could come from him. I walked slowly to the main room and sat behind a pole near the nurse station, my knees hugged tight to my chest. One of the nurses said my old name and reffered to me as "he-she" another nurse hushed and corrected her saying I was behind a pole. I got up angry and asked if I could check myself out as coming here was a mistake, they called Dr A who sat with me and told me to use my time here wisely. I was too scared to argue and asked only that I be allowed to shave my face, a perk I was granted on a trust basis.
For the next I hid in my room eventually I was registered and given a physical where they checked my vitals and my cuts. After a few more hours of questioning my existance mania set in. Suddenly all worries and fears were erased and I was out joking with nurses and going insane with boredom. I spent the day \pacing until Jude came to visit. He brought the first book in the trilogy "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" at my earlier request. He said he had cleaned tmy apartment and cared for my cat, we played scrabble and he found Alice in Wonderland in the unit for me to watch. We witnessed an old lady with dementia freak out at a nurse saying she knew who did it and was going to kill them.
Afterwords I showered and went to bed, OH and made a cutting tool out of a plastic spoon. Oh sweet control.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Psych Ward: Admission
I got admitted last night to a psychiatric ward. I went of my own free will as I had been planning my suicide for 2 days and had written part of my suicide note. I saw a Dr Amadula (or something) but he seemed not interested in my desire to end my existence and sent me home. On the way home I freaked out, I had lost all hope. Jude quickly called our therapist Danya and explained the situation. So after a delightful meal and rolling around with Jude's kittens we went back to the ER. Our second trip began with me arguing with a registration nurse over her not calling me by my legal name. After speaking with another nurse the matter was hastily resolved and I shot the first nurse a venomous glare. After waiting hours watching Jude draw we found out I was admitted to the psych ward. Jude took the liberty of removing ANYTHING I could use to hurt myself and despite a few whines and protests his glare was all it took for me to give in. Shortly thereafter two nurses came in to take me away; One was a fat middle aged women who would roll endlessly if she was pushed off her too small legs. The other was an older gentle looking man. I knew quickly who I liked more.
The fat women misgendered Jude and I and when corrected she sharply said how it "didn't matter". She quickly gave Jude my things minus the clothes on my back (they did take the string from my hoodie though). I was told to sit in a wheelchair to which I flatly refused. We walked to the nurses desk and the fat women said she wanted "he-she" in a wheelchair, being in no mood for idiots I grabbed my chest and said loudly "Umm boobs, I'm a girl and I am not taking a wheelchair I can walk fine." After getting to the unit at 12:00am they took my bra, boots, and belts and I was sent to my shoebox of a room. I immediatly looked for things to cut with but found done. I had no control...
It was hard to sleep that night, every 30 minutes a nurse would crack open the door and shine a flashlight in to make sure you were in bed. I lay awake for a while unable to fall asleep in this strange place. The person in the next room cried for a while, the sobs were that of a young terrified girl. Eventually they stopped and I could sleep
The fat women misgendered Jude and I and when corrected she sharply said how it "didn't matter". She quickly gave Jude my things minus the clothes on my back (they did take the string from my hoodie though). I was told to sit in a wheelchair to which I flatly refused. We walked to the nurses desk and the fat women said she wanted "he-she" in a wheelchair, being in no mood for idiots I grabbed my chest and said loudly "Umm boobs, I'm a girl and I am not taking a wheelchair I can walk fine." After getting to the unit at 12:00am they took my bra, boots, and belts and I was sent to my shoebox of a room. I immediatly looked for things to cut with but found done. I had no control...
It was hard to sleep that night, every 30 minutes a nurse would crack open the door and shine a flashlight in to make sure you were in bed. I lay awake for a while unable to fall asleep in this strange place. The person in the next room cried for a while, the sobs were that of a young terrified girl. Eventually they stopped and I could sleep
Thursday, 14 June 2012
This isn't me.
It's all I can do to try not to cut I would do it if I knew my boyfriend wouldn't catsh me as I'm wearing a low top with no sleeves and stupidly left my hoodie at home. this breakup/divorce is killing me so many people I know turning on me.
Knowing the hurt I'm causing my wife by leaving her. I've been planning my suicide all day. I don't know what ill do but shit is really fucked up for me riht now. The things I want to do to this body are unspeakable the marks I want to leave. I feel like another person who just wants to tear away the flesh of this innocent beaten fuel and leave her ravaged and abused.... Fuck.... What the fuck is going on with me...
Sunday, 10 June 2012
What am I to you?
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I went through a period where these meds were working but now they aren't. The sun is going down and I'm missing work sitting in my apartment trying to get up the courage to go to the hospital... I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to be normal, I'm sick of being sick.
I left my wife, yeah... what the fuck. I am starting to wonder if I am sane enough to be making decisions, I'm beyond broke and just went on a shopping spree spending over 150.00 dollars. I've got a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and he is kind of awesome... though he's also american and he's a video game artist so he'll likely move away or not even stay in Canada... I'm all about him, I sleep in his bed almost every night and feel a sense of comfort and normalcy but it could be ripped from me at any moment... I realized that today.
Am I really important to him? Am I really his girlfriend or am I just a pretend girlfriend who he'll dispose of when he moves. I'm not really worth staying around for and he has a bright future. I can't blame him for leaving but who's to say he'll even stay in Canada. I'm going to see his Family this week in Maine but I also wonder if he's taking me out of conveniance and a want for company or if he actually wants to take me to see his family.
He doesn't talk about his feelings alot. The other day I went home sick from work and he picked me up on the side of the road he was pretty frustrated with me as I had left work and was walkking in the rain,... at the time he didn't know that I had staggered elevated through the woods on an uncleared path... I was soaking wet and shivering when he picked me up.
He definitely cares but... how much.... is this relationship just for fun... is it going anywhere.... I should be packing right now but I just want to sleep I just want release from this
I am going to sleep I hope he won't be mad but... It's better than the contemplated alternative.... or is it
I'll get back to you on that one.
I left my wife, yeah... what the fuck. I am starting to wonder if I am sane enough to be making decisions, I'm beyond broke and just went on a shopping spree spending over 150.00 dollars. I've got a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and he is kind of awesome... though he's also american and he's a video game artist so he'll likely move away or not even stay in Canada... I'm all about him, I sleep in his bed almost every night and feel a sense of comfort and normalcy but it could be ripped from me at any moment... I realized that today.
Am I really important to him? Am I really his girlfriend or am I just a pretend girlfriend who he'll dispose of when he moves. I'm not really worth staying around for and he has a bright future. I can't blame him for leaving but who's to say he'll even stay in Canada. I'm going to see his Family this week in Maine but I also wonder if he's taking me out of conveniance and a want for company or if he actually wants to take me to see his family.
He doesn't talk about his feelings alot. The other day I went home sick from work and he picked me up on the side of the road he was pretty frustrated with me as I had left work and was walkking in the rain,... at the time he didn't know that I had staggered elevated through the woods on an uncleared path... I was soaking wet and shivering when he picked me up.
He definitely cares but... how much.... is this relationship just for fun... is it going anywhere.... I should be packing right now but I just want to sleep I just want release from this
I am going to sleep I hope he won't be mad but... It's better than the contemplated alternative.... or is it
I'll get back to you on that one.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Screwdriver.
So I cut again.... this time I used a screw driver and made a line down my arm along where my vein was it was relaxing knowing that that same line made with a razer would be the end. Why did I cut? I flirted with a girl at a bar... because I am pathetic and quite frankly a slut. My dad used to call me that and now I believe he may be right. I do look for physical affections beyond what I am given by my partner, I'm not saying sex per say I just want to be close to someone my own age who I can pretend to have a "normal" relationship with. I'm not saying I don't love my partner because I F**KING DO more than anything in this entire swimming universe. Oh well no point in really mentioning it.
I bought a pack of razorblades today, or should I say a friend bought them for me unknowingly, I kind of feel bad for him. I'll have to be sure he doesn't find out. I don't think I have the capacity to cut with a blade but it gives me a sense of empowerment to be able to. Y'know maybe that's what cutting is to me a sense of empowerment, taking back my life. It's something that no one can stop me from doing. Cutting is mine and no one can stop me, I can express whatever I want in my skin. Hurt and art all rolled into one to create a temporary masterpiece, or at least in my eyes.
I also got a sweater which I purchased for the sake of hiding my cuts as it's not something I want people to know about. I like to keep my cutting a secret as it stands only 2 people know about it so I hope to keep it that way.
Anyway I'm going to go to bed as my head is feeling foggy and this apartment is starting to freak me out. Too scared of this place to stay awake. I'll have to accomplish things tomorrow instead of tonight.
I bought a pack of razorblades today, or should I say a friend bought them for me unknowingly, I kind of feel bad for him. I'll have to be sure he doesn't find out. I don't think I have the capacity to cut with a blade but it gives me a sense of empowerment to be able to. Y'know maybe that's what cutting is to me a sense of empowerment, taking back my life. It's something that no one can stop me from doing. Cutting is mine and no one can stop me, I can express whatever I want in my skin. Hurt and art all rolled into one to create a temporary masterpiece, or at least in my eyes.
I also got a sweater which I purchased for the sake of hiding my cuts as it's not something I want people to know about. I like to keep my cutting a secret as it stands only 2 people know about it so I hope to keep it that way.
Anyway I'm going to go to bed as my head is feeling foggy and this apartment is starting to freak me out. Too scared of this place to stay awake. I'll have to accomplish things tomorrow instead of tonight.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Just Like Everybody Else
I've been having a very disturbing day... Noticing my interactions with people at work and in stores. They service us, they fuel our economy, They're fat, they're skinny, they do gross things, they're neat freaks. I don't like them. They don't know me yet I have to interact with them, they're new, constantly new and never familliar. What diseases do they have? What horrible things do they do on their spare time.
Maybe they aren't all like that, what am I saying of course they aren't. But I have to wonder... am I just like them? Am I the same as the 76 year old dieing in his bed urinating on himself? Are we both the same, Am I the same as the fat lady working at Mcdonalds? What about the lunatic on the street with a mental condition? Perhapse it's whatever I have... I could have easily been him... hey I could still.
I cut myself yesterday... I didn't even realize I was doing it but I was I went into the work washroom to listen to a song because the guy in the lunch room was staring at me and freaking me out I was listening to an amazing song... next thing I know my apartment key is in my hand and I'm going to town on my wrist in the familliar "X" shape. I'm not as good at it as I used to be accuracy wise but I really wasn't aware what was happening it's like I was watching through a window that is... until I saw my skin peeling away then I came to and stopped. I thought of all the other people... rotting flesh.. how my body would look when it decays...
Now I think, it's not glamorous, neither is dieing... it's disgusting.... or is it? The Greek's didn't think so.. thing is
I'm INSANE
How am Ifunctioning right now? am I really crazy... what seperates me from all the other crazies...
Maybe they aren't all like that, what am I saying of course they aren't. But I have to wonder... am I just like them? Am I the same as the 76 year old dieing in his bed urinating on himself? Are we both the same, Am I the same as the fat lady working at Mcdonalds? What about the lunatic on the street with a mental condition? Perhapse it's whatever I have... I could have easily been him... hey I could still.
I cut myself yesterday... I didn't even realize I was doing it but I was I went into the work washroom to listen to a song because the guy in the lunch room was staring at me and freaking me out I was listening to an amazing song... next thing I know my apartment key is in my hand and I'm going to town on my wrist in the familliar "X" shape. I'm not as good at it as I used to be accuracy wise but I really wasn't aware what was happening it's like I was watching through a window that is... until I saw my skin peeling away then I came to and stopped. I thought of all the other people... rotting flesh.. how my body would look when it decays...
Now I think, it's not glamorous, neither is dieing... it's disgusting.... or is it? The Greek's didn't think so.. thing is
I'm INSANE
How am I
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Life and the Crow
It appears mania left my side late last night and now as expected depression has come once again to catch me. I sometimes wonder what happens in my brain when these mood switches occur. Does it happen when I'm sleeping? Is there a visible shift? What causes this? The second I woke up this monring I could feel the weight of depression on my chest. I woke up only to take my morning pills and then to go back to sleep for a total of 10 hours.
I don't see the point of being awake, even now I still don't. Everything seems so entirely pointless in every possible way. I kind of wonder why I even bother to keep fighting, why do I struggle? I kept pondering this as I walked to work, my lovers voice chirping in my ear words of confidence and encouragement. The birds were all chirping, a noise I always found pleasant now sounded like high pitched assaults attempted on my ears. Vile flying rats screaming at me, all of them... yelling at me as I walked by.
I stopped to get a slice of Pizza to maybe take the pain away, remind me of better times. It was even Hawaiian special day, my favorite (I love fruit) I got out the door and took a bite... it tasted like cardboard. I remembered the flavour... did it always taste this bland? Even the Iced Lemonade tasted bland and uncaring. The birds sounded rotten and the food tasted like nothing as if it were glazed over by my tong. Why am I here?
It really hit me as I walked, now arguing with my wife for reasons I barely recall. I was walking up a hill to work, I was tired, sweating and there were no noises around me, no cars drove by. It was just me and a crow "kawing" at me. He leered at me from the top of a telephone pole as I staggered up the hill in the blazing heat. I could feel his eyes piercing me, I thought of what it would be like to die right there, to just end it all. Knowing full well that crow would swoop down for dinner. Perhapse that's what he wanted, maybe he was waiting for me to just give up. Did he sense my wavering resolve to live? As I walked closer to the crow toying with the idea of it all ending and wanting to scream at myself for being this way I raised my arms like a bear to scare the crow off. It wasn't very intimidating as my long skinny arms dangled in the air but he flew away.
I got close to work and that crow landed back on the phone post and "kawed" at me again as I turned the shady corner before ariving at work.
Even now I wonder what would have happened if I called it quits and didn't turn that corner. Am I suicidal... I suspect yes, mildly. Should I be admitted... I don't think so but time will tell. I think that if I got bad enough I would admit myself, though I worry I would lose my job if I signed in to unit 9... despite it potentially being a good idea...
What kills me the most is this is a life sentence, this is forever... there is no cure....
Edit: I exist for her.
I don't see the point of being awake, even now I still don't. Everything seems so entirely pointless in every possible way. I kind of wonder why I even bother to keep fighting, why do I struggle? I kept pondering this as I walked to work, my lovers voice chirping in my ear words of confidence and encouragement. The birds were all chirping, a noise I always found pleasant now sounded like high pitched assaults attempted on my ears. Vile flying rats screaming at me, all of them... yelling at me as I walked by.
I stopped to get a slice of Pizza to maybe take the pain away, remind me of better times. It was even Hawaiian special day, my favorite (I love fruit) I got out the door and took a bite... it tasted like cardboard. I remembered the flavour... did it always taste this bland? Even the Iced Lemonade tasted bland and uncaring. The birds sounded rotten and the food tasted like nothing as if it were glazed over by my tong. Why am I here?
It really hit me as I walked, now arguing with my wife for reasons I barely recall. I was walking up a hill to work, I was tired, sweating and there were no noises around me, no cars drove by. It was just me and a crow "kawing" at me. He leered at me from the top of a telephone pole as I staggered up the hill in the blazing heat. I could feel his eyes piercing me, I thought of what it would be like to die right there, to just end it all. Knowing full well that crow would swoop down for dinner. Perhapse that's what he wanted, maybe he was waiting for me to just give up. Did he sense my wavering resolve to live? As I walked closer to the crow toying with the idea of it all ending and wanting to scream at myself for being this way I raised my arms like a bear to scare the crow off. It wasn't very intimidating as my long skinny arms dangled in the air but he flew away.
I got close to work and that crow landed back on the phone post and "kawed" at me again as I turned the shady corner before ariving at work.
Even now I wonder what would have happened if I called it quits and didn't turn that corner. Am I suicidal... I suspect yes, mildly. Should I be admitted... I don't think so but time will tell. I think that if I got bad enough I would admit myself, though I worry I would lose my job if I signed in to unit 9... despite it potentially being a good idea...
What kills me the most is this is a life sentence, this is forever... there is no cure....
Edit: I exist for her.
Friday, 25 May 2012
Medication Failure
These pills don't seem to be working. I've been Manic since yesterday my mind won't stop racing and my heart can barely keep up. In a way I enjoy it I feel so creative and it's like the entire cosmic infinity is at my fingertips, like I have the untapped ability to control everything. Perhaps Mania is just an evolved state of mind that our brains have not yet evolved to cope with. I feel so much more functional when I'm manic though at times I lose control and do impulsive things... which I guess is why I'm on these medications... these USELESS medications
I just want the ups and downs to go away. I want a diagnoses and above all else I want to just have these medications work again. I'm okay with numbness, I'm okay with mild drowsiness, I can deal with all of that but please just take away these manic episodes.
I can still feel the meds a little, they do take away the anxiety for the most part they just take the edge off.... but that's not enough I'm still up and then angry and then exhausted and then back up again. No depression yet but Mania and then exaustion... I'm just so tired, I can't feel it right now but I know I am... and soon enough my body will realize to the full extent it's overuse.
Screw this I quit for today. I'm going to go endure this rollercoaster and try not to puke. I just need my next psych appointment... wednesday get here faster....
I NEED SLEEP
I just want the ups and downs to go away. I want a diagnoses and above all else I want to just have these medications work again. I'm okay with numbness, I'm okay with mild drowsiness, I can deal with all of that but please just take away these manic episodes.
I can still feel the meds a little, they do take away the anxiety for the most part they just take the edge off.... but that's not enough I'm still up and then angry and then exhausted and then back up again. No depression yet but Mania and then exaustion... I'm just so tired, I can't feel it right now but I know I am... and soon enough my body will realize to the full extent it's overuse.
Screw this I quit for today. I'm going to go endure this rollercoaster and try not to puke. I just need my next psych appointment... wednesday get here faster....
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Medicated
So it's been a while. since I wrote anything but it's been recommended to me that I keep a blog of the goings on in my now very odd life (as if it wasn't odd before) This blog may become depressing at times so anyone who is reading it should be aware that this could happen.
So last week I was contemplating suicide very often and having terrible mood swings. I decided enough was enough. During a moment of level headedness I emailed my therapist and told her about my crisis and my fear for my life. She reccomended going to the ER if I felt I was in danger. So I did just that and 9 hours later after multiple psychiatric evaluations I was being perscribed medication for Bipolar disorder.... Since then life has only gotten stranger
I have not "officially" been diagnosed with bipolar but I am being treated for it. These drugs put me in a haze and cause me to forget things. I feel docile and weak to sum it up... but I don't mind. I don't have anyone I can call if I'm at my witts end... there is no one to save me. These pills are my salvation to put it dramatically.
So last week I was contemplating suicide very often and having terrible mood swings. I decided enough was enough. During a moment of level headedness I emailed my therapist and told her about my crisis and my fear for my life. She reccomended going to the ER if I felt I was in danger. So I did just that and 9 hours later after multiple psychiatric evaluations I was being perscribed medication for Bipolar disorder.... Since then life has only gotten stranger
I have not "officially" been diagnosed with bipolar but I am being treated for it. These drugs put me in a haze and cause me to forget things. I feel docile and weak to sum it up... but I don't mind. I don't have anyone I can call if I'm at my witts end... there is no one to save me. These pills are my salvation to put it dramatically.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Drifting
I see the person I want to be slipping away. This tall beautiful and strong women reaching her hand out to me as I fall. Stress, social anxiety, fear, pressure, and vice all holding me from her. So many things I need to overcome that I don't know where to begin. As I overtake one hurdle another arises
I want to get out and have fun but anxiety keeps me sitting here in front of this computer, typing words of a stereotpyical teenager riddled with angst and depression. Not the way I want to be portrayed that is for certain. So here I am. In this dark room illuminated nly by the light from my monitor. Typing to this blog and avoiding a friend.
I just woke up a bit ago and now after this rush of anxiety I'm exausted all over again and may go back to sleep to waste away another day which I could have spent becoming closer to the person I want to be.
I want to get out and have fun but anxiety keeps me sitting here in front of this computer, typing words of a stereotpyical teenager riddled with angst and depression. Not the way I want to be portrayed that is for certain. So here I am. In this dark room illuminated nly by the light from my monitor. Typing to this blog and avoiding a friend.
I just woke up a bit ago and now after this rush of anxiety I'm exausted all over again and may go back to sleep to waste away another day which I could have spent becoming closer to the person I want to be.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Coming down.
I'm sitting here in my living room of my basement apartment watching the sun come up in the city. I am pretty stoned but I'm coming down slowly. Y'know I think that's my favorite part of being intoxicated, it's not so much the being high it's coming down and looking outside at daybreak. Seeing that world. It relaxes me to no end. I just want to go and lay out in the sun, tend to a garden.
I just turned on some nature sounds, I am not usually one for fake nature noises but at this point I'm just keeping sane. I find it kind of funny thougn. If I was told four years ago that I'd be sitting here in my apartment stoned listening to nature noises on my TV and watching the sun from abasement I'd laugh at you. Okay so maybe that wan't a good example but I think I deserve some slack due to the nature of my writings.
I wish there was some kind of drug that just gave you this peaceful feeling I have now. No high at all just a nice low and relaxing feeling. I bet I'd make a goody hippie. Living by the fly of my skirt (I wish) and just experiencing the world for what it is and enjoying outside.
I look around me and I am depressed, wires and electronics all around. Designed to simulate the life i dream of having...Right now all I want to do is go outside and enjoy the world I was put on but alas it's winter and I right now don't fully appreciate winter due to my inability to deal with the cold.
Anyway I think sleep is needed. I couldn't write due to tiredness but while I was in this mood I wanted to write. I was quoted on facebook saying moments ago.
I want to be a good wife. I want to live in a nice neighborhood with a white fence and wake up at 8 in the morning, put on a sun hat and start gardening and tendig to the yard. Have my loving wife come out ot me in her morning pajamas, me in a pink sundress, I could make her supper and she could make me lunch. We'd teach the cat to mind his manners and get a dog. He'd come outside barking fallowing my wife at her feet step for step... that's the kind of life I want..."
That's an idea of how I feel right now...anyway
I just turned on some nature sounds, I am not usually one for fake nature noises but at this point I'm just keeping sane. I find it kind of funny thougn. If I was told four years ago that I'd be sitting here in my apartment stoned listening to nature noises on my TV and watching the sun from abasement I'd laugh at you. Okay so maybe that wan't a good example but I think I deserve some slack due to the nature of my writings.
I wish there was some kind of drug that just gave you this peaceful feeling I have now. No high at all just a nice low and relaxing feeling. I bet I'd make a goody hippie. Living by the fly of my skirt (I wish) and just experiencing the world for what it is and enjoying outside.
I look around me and I am depressed, wires and electronics all around. Designed to simulate the life i dream of having...Right now all I want to do is go outside and enjoy the world I was put on but alas it's winter and I right now don't fully appreciate winter due to my inability to deal with the cold.
Anyway I think sleep is needed. I couldn't write due to tiredness but while I was in this mood I wanted to write. I was quoted on facebook saying moments ago.
I want to be a good wife. I want to live in a nice neighborhood with a white fence and wake up at 8 in the morning, put on a sun hat and start gardening and tendig to the yard. Have my loving wife come out ot me in her morning pajamas, me in a pink sundress, I could make her supper and she could make me lunch. We'd teach the cat to mind his manners and get a dog. He'd come outside barking fallowing my wife at her feet step for step... that's the kind of life I want..."
That's an idea of how I feel right now...anyway
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