Just Like Everybody Else

I've been having a very disturbing day... Noticing my interactions with people at work and in stores. They service us, they fuel our economy, They're fat, they're skinny, they do gross things, they're neat freaks. I don't like them. They don't know me yet I have to interact with them, they're new, constantly new and never familliar. What diseases do they have? What horrible things do they do on their spare time.

Maybe they aren't all like that, what am I saying of course they aren't. But I have to wonder... am I just like them? Am I the same as the 76 year old dieing in his bed urinating on himself? Are we both the same, Am I the same as the fat lady working at Mcdonalds? What about the lunatic on the street with a mental condition? Perhapse it's whatever I have... I could have easily been him... hey I could still.

I cut myself yesterday... I didn't even realize I was doing it but I was I went into the work washroom to listen to a song because the guy in the lunch room was staring at me and freaking me out I was listening to an amazing song... next thing I know my apartment key is in my hand and I'm going to town on my wrist in the familliar "X" shape. I'm not as good at it as I used to be accuracy wise but I really wasn't aware what was happening it's like I was watching through a window that is... until I saw my skin peeling away then I came to and stopped. I thought of all the other people... rotting flesh.. how my body would look when it decays...

Now I think, it's not glamorous, neither is dieing... it's disgusting.... or is it? The Greek's didn't think so.. thing is

I'm INSANE

How am I functioning right now? am I really crazy... what seperates me from all the other crazies...

Life and the Crow

It appears mania left my side late last night and now as expected depression has come once again to catch me. I sometimes wonder what happens in my brain when these mood switches occur. Does it happen when I'm sleeping? Is there a visible shift? What causes this? The second I woke up this monring I could feel the weight of depression on my chest. I woke up only to take my morning pills and then to go back to sleep for a total of 10 hours.

I don't see the point of being awake, even now I still don't. Everything seems so entirely pointless in every possible way. I kind of wonder why I even bother to keep fighting, why do I struggle? I kept pondering this as I walked to work, my lovers voice chirping in my ear words of confidence and encouragement. The birds were all chirping, a noise I always found pleasant now sounded like high pitched assaults attempted on my ears. Vile flying rats screaming at me, all of them... yelling at me as I walked by.

I stopped to get a slice of Pizza to maybe take the pain away, remind me of better times. It was even Hawaiian special day, my favorite (I love fruit) I got out the door and took a bite... it tasted like cardboard. I remembered the flavour... did it always taste this bland? Even the Iced Lemonade tasted bland and uncaring. The birds sounded rotten and the food tasted like nothing as if it were glazed over by my tong.  Why am I here?

It really hit me as I walked, now arguing with my wife for reasons I barely recall. I was walking up a hill to work, I was tired, sweating and there were no noises around me, no cars drove by. It was just me and a crow "kawing" at me. He leered at me from the top of a telephone pole as I staggered up the hill in the blazing heat. I could feel his eyes piercing me, I thought of what it would be like to die right there, to just end it all. Knowing full well that crow would swoop down for dinner. Perhapse that's what he wanted, maybe he was waiting for me to just give up. Did he sense my wavering resolve to live? As I walked closer to the crow toying with the idea of it all ending and wanting to scream at myself for being this way I raised my arms like a bear to scare the crow off. It wasn't very intimidating as my long skinny arms dangled in the air but he flew away.

I got close to work and that crow landed back on the phone post and "kawed" at me again as I turned the shady corner before ariving at work.

Even now I wonder what would have happened if I called it quits and didn't turn that corner. Am I suicidal... I suspect yes, mildly. Should I be admitted... I don't think so but time will tell. I think that if I got bad enough I would admit myself, though I worry I would lose my job if I signed in to unit 9... despite it potentially being a good idea...


What kills me the most is this is a life sentence, this is forever... there is no cure....


Edit: I exist for her. 

Medication Failure

These pills don't seem to be working. I've been Manic since yesterday my mind won't stop racing and my heart can barely keep up. In a way I enjoy it I feel so creative and it's like the entire cosmic infinity is at my fingertips, like I have the untapped ability to control everything. Perhaps Mania is just an evolved state of mind that our brains have not yet evolved to cope with. I feel so much more functional when I'm manic though at times I lose control and do impulsive things... which I guess is why I'm on these medications... these USELESS medications

I just want the ups and downs to go away. I want a diagnoses and above all else I want to just have these medications work again. I'm okay with numbness, I'm okay with mild drowsiness, I can deal with all of that but please just take away these manic episodes.

I can still feel the meds a little, they do take away the anxiety for the most part they just take the edge off.... but that's not enough I'm still up and then angry and then exhausted and then back up again. No depression yet but Mania and then exaustion... I'm just so tired, I can't feel it right now but I know I am... and soon enough my body will realize to the full extent it's overuse.

Screw this I quit for today. I'm going to go endure this rollercoaster and try not to puke. I just need my next psych appointment... wednesday get here faster....

I NEED SLEEP

Medicated

So it's been a while. since I wrote anything but it's been recommended to me that I keep a blog of the goings on in my now very odd life (as if it wasn't odd before) This blog may become depressing at times so anyone who is reading it should be aware that this could happen.

So last week I was contemplating suicide very often and having terrible mood swings. I decided enough was enough. During a moment of level headedness I emailed my therapist and told her about my crisis and my fear for my life. She reccomended going to the ER if I felt I was in danger. So I did just that and 9 hours later after multiple psychiatric evaluations I was being perscribed medication for Bipolar disorder.... Since then life has only gotten stranger

I have not "officially" been diagnosed with bipolar but I am being treated for it. These drugs put me in a haze and cause me to forget things. I feel docile and weak to sum it up... but I don't mind. I don't have anyone I can call if I'm at my witts end... there is no one to save me. These pills are my salvation to put it dramatically.