It appears mania left my side late last night and now as expected depression has come once again to catch me. I sometimes wonder what happens in my brain when these mood switches occur. Does it happen when I'm sleeping? Is there a visible shift? What causes this? The second I woke up this monring I could feel the weight of depression on my chest. I woke up only to take my morning pills and then to go back to sleep for a total of 10 hours.
I don't see the point of being awake, even now I still don't. Everything seems so entirely pointless in every possible way. I kind of wonder why I even bother to keep fighting, why do I struggle? I kept pondering this as I walked to work, my lovers voice chirping in my ear words of confidence and encouragement. The birds were all chirping, a noise I always found pleasant now sounded like high pitched assaults attempted on my ears. Vile flying rats screaming at me, all of them... yelling at me as I walked by.
I stopped to get a slice of Pizza to maybe take the pain away, remind me of better times. It was even Hawaiian special day, my favorite (I love fruit) I got out the door and took a bite... it tasted like cardboard. I remembered the flavour... did it always taste this bland? Even the Iced Lemonade tasted bland and uncaring. The birds sounded rotten and the food tasted like nothing as if it were glazed over by my tong. Why am I here?
It really hit me as I walked, now arguing with my wife for reasons I barely recall. I was walking up a hill to work, I was tired, sweating and there were no noises around me, no cars drove by. It was just me and a crow "kawing" at me. He leered at me from the top of a telephone pole as I staggered up the hill in the blazing heat. I could feel his eyes piercing me, I thought of what it would be like to die right there, to just end it all. Knowing full well that crow would swoop down for dinner. Perhapse that's what he wanted, maybe he was waiting for me to just give up. Did he sense my wavering resolve to live? As I walked closer to the crow toying with the idea of it all ending and wanting to scream at myself for being this way I raised my arms like a bear to scare the crow off. It wasn't very intimidating as my long skinny arms dangled in the air but he flew away.
I got close to work and that crow landed back on the phone post and "kawed" at me again as I turned the shady corner before ariving at work.
Even now I wonder what would have happened if I called it quits and didn't turn that corner. Am I suicidal... I suspect yes, mildly. Should I be admitted... I don't think so but time will tell. I think that if I got bad enough I would admit myself, though I worry I would lose my job if I signed in to unit 9... despite it potentially being a good idea...
What kills me the most is this is a life sentence, this is forever... there is no cure....
Edit: I exist for her.
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