I was woken up by a vampire nurse who stuck a needle in my arm to draw 5.5 viles of blood though she told me only about drawing 4, (presumably her personal stash was getting low). I was so tired I didn't really care I just laid in bed only getting up to take my meds and get breakfast, they forgot my breakfast tray but I didn't bother bringing it up I just slept until noon. When I called Jude he was really upset. The neighbours claimed the cat he took in (while pregnant and full of fleas) was theirs. Jude's drunk landlord got involved and made things worse. He's been out of control. Jude was planning on going to the states to escape it all. I was upset but supportive, offering him to live with me.
I talked to Dr S and she says my dose on Divalproex (mood stabilizer) is too low and that it would be put at 750mgs as of tomorrow night. She is also cutting the sleeping pill to half a dose and taking me off antidepressants as they can alter moods and she had seen me on a large manic streak. After she sent me to Art therapy where I met a girl close to my age, we chatted a bit as we have alot in common. Finally, someone.
Jude came to visit as usual and I convinced him to move in with me instead of leave Canada. More to look forward to for me. That night Jude and I talked for a solid 4 hours completely immersed. It was amazing.
That night mania got worse. I sat in my room scribbling on paper imagining it to be great art I scribbled and clawed at my arm as the sensation was pleasing and I wanted to see how far I could go before it hurt too much. on the paper with scribbles I wrote "MY Mind" I felt like god. thank god the sleeping pills knocked me out while I sat up in my bed.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Psych Ward: Day 2
I don't know when I woke up today as my manic state did not want to leave. At one point a male nurse opened the door and looked in to see me staring at him (I got bored of pretending to sleep) He asked how much sleep I had gotten to which I replied 4 hours, as without a clock I had no idea how much time had passed. I just knew I hadn't gotten much rest.
I got out of bed, no one else was around except nurses. The person in the room next to me had been discharged and a new guy lie in bed. I couldn't understand how people could sleep with their doors open. I soon was overcome by a wave of horrid depression so I went back to bed. I soon felt hysterically manic again then depressed soonafter. I silently cursed to myself when I realized I was rapid cycling, my least favorite state to be in. I decided to only get out of bed for medication and food. I was told by a nurse that I would be working from now on with Dr Stewart. I was happy to hear that at least. I continued to lay in bed until the mood stabilizers kicked in and I stopped rapid cycling.
I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo until I got anxious. I wanted to see the doctor and get a different opinion. Dr Amadula's words were still echoeing from the day before, I tried to get them out of my head. As I sat far away from everyone I heard someone yelling. "I know but I shouldn't be hereit's a mistake, my fathers a fucking asshole!" I smirked and tuned in to their conversation. The kid's name was Vincent and he was really mad, you might even say confused. He wanted out, the nurses reasoned with him several times and eventually gave him something to "take the edge off". This was now sounding more like the psych ward I had expected.
I talked to a nurse about getting out at noon for my therapy with Danya who I was anxious to talk to. The nurses informed me that the Dr would likely give me a pass to see her but after waiting for hours there was still no word. I called Danya extremely upset to cancel our meeting but I got only voicemail. I left a casual message stating I could not make it and apologised. After the call Vincent got back from seeing Dr Stewart. He was screaming louder and louder that he was being caused "Stress and Trauma". They sent us to our rooms while they hauled him away. It was amusing for a while but ultimately disturbing from my room I heard him scream a muffled but loud "FUCK YOU!" and then... silence. Next I knew a kind nurse told me I had a phone call. It was Danya asking how I was doing. I told her I hated it and fought back tears. She exxpressed sympathy saying that she's heard "mixed reviews". by the end of the call I was crying and went back to my roomscribbling on paper:
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
until the Dr called me in...
We talked about my feelings, she had read my records and reports. I asked if she thought I was mentally ill and she said that she believed I did in fact have either one of or both Bipolar Disorder type 2 or Borderline Personality Disorder. I nodded and asked to leave the Unit as it was freaking me out. She said I could go but based on me wanting a diagnoses and needing proper medication that staying would be my best option to achieve those goals quickly. I agreed to stay and with that control I felt fine. She put me on sleeping meds that would later rock my fucking world but before that Jude came in and we tried scrabble but failed due to there being way too many tiles and patients having scratched things into them. So we cuddled on a couch watching Tv. It was pleasant, before he went home he said I needed a new shirt so he gave me his. It smelled just like him, my favorite smell in the world. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills which made me really high and put an awful taste in my mouth. For the next 30 minutes I sat in my room thinking I was Queen of the Crackers and tahat I was eating them to create a defense against the awful taste, they screamed and cried as I consumed them or as I clumsily opened their package breaking off a part of them but it was all necessary to preserve my mouth. After I while I fell around the room until I landed in bed and blacked out.
I got out of bed, no one else was around except nurses. The person in the room next to me had been discharged and a new guy lie in bed. I couldn't understand how people could sleep with their doors open. I soon was overcome by a wave of horrid depression so I went back to bed. I soon felt hysterically manic again then depressed soonafter. I silently cursed to myself when I realized I was rapid cycling, my least favorite state to be in. I decided to only get out of bed for medication and food. I was told by a nurse that I would be working from now on with Dr Stewart. I was happy to hear that at least. I continued to lay in bed until the mood stabilizers kicked in and I stopped rapid cycling.
I read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo until I got anxious. I wanted to see the doctor and get a different opinion. Dr Amadula's words were still echoeing from the day before, I tried to get them out of my head. As I sat far away from everyone I heard someone yelling. "I know but I shouldn't be hereit's a mistake, my fathers a fucking asshole!" I smirked and tuned in to their conversation. The kid's name was Vincent and he was really mad, you might even say confused. He wanted out, the nurses reasoned with him several times and eventually gave him something to "take the edge off". This was now sounding more like the psych ward I had expected.
I talked to a nurse about getting out at noon for my therapy with Danya who I was anxious to talk to. The nurses informed me that the Dr would likely give me a pass to see her but after waiting for hours there was still no word. I called Danya extremely upset to cancel our meeting but I got only voicemail. I left a casual message stating I could not make it and apologised. After the call Vincent got back from seeing Dr Stewart. He was screaming louder and louder that he was being caused "Stress and Trauma". They sent us to our rooms while they hauled him away. It was amusing for a while but ultimately disturbing from my room I heard him scream a muffled but loud "FUCK YOU!" and then... silence. Next I knew a kind nurse told me I had a phone call. It was Danya asking how I was doing. I told her I hated it and fought back tears. She exxpressed sympathy saying that she's heard "mixed reviews". by the end of the call I was crying and went back to my roomscribbling on paper:
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
until the Dr called me in...
We talked about my feelings, she had read my records and reports. I asked if she thought I was mentally ill and she said that she believed I did in fact have either one of or both Bipolar Disorder type 2 or Borderline Personality Disorder. I nodded and asked to leave the Unit as it was freaking me out. She said I could go but based on me wanting a diagnoses and needing proper medication that staying would be my best option to achieve those goals quickly. I agreed to stay and with that control I felt fine. She put me on sleeping meds that would later rock my fucking world but before that Jude came in and we tried scrabble but failed due to there being way too many tiles and patients having scratched things into them. So we cuddled on a couch watching Tv. It was pleasant, before he went home he said I needed a new shirt so he gave me his. It smelled just like him, my favorite smell in the world. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills which made me really high and put an awful taste in my mouth. For the next 30 minutes I sat in my room thinking I was Queen of the Crackers and tahat I was eating them to create a defense against the awful taste, they screamed and cried as I consumed them or as I clumsily opened their package breaking off a part of them but it was all necessary to preserve my mouth. After I while I fell around the room until I landed in bed and blacked out.
Psych Ward: Day 1
I woke up this morning to the sound of some women who could barely speak coming through the loudspeaker in my-and all rooms. Since I didn't understand what was said I ignored it as jargan and went back to sleep, only later to be woken by a nurse and Dr Amadula. I was half asleep but knew this would be less than pleasant. Dr A seemed not amused I had bypassed his authority and got admitted. This didn't surprise me as he seemed to have a superiority complex. He went on to comment on how I have two therapists who are not helping me and that it would need to be "re-evaluated". I wanted to do such unspeakable things to this man. I told him that therapists alone cannot fix mental illnesses. He said that I do not have bipolar disorder and am not depressed despite what doctors and therapists may say. He didn't believe I cut until I showed him the long cut down my left arm. He asked if I cut to keep friends around. I denied it angrily since I hide my cuts as they tend to push others away. He commented on how I lack friends and appear "antisocial" and to "rely on relationships for stability". I continued telling him how wrong he was but he carried on asking why I refused eye contact, asking if autism ran in my family. He then summed it up by saying that I'm not sick I just have behavioral problems that I need to work out and stop relying on others. Then he walked out, leaving my world and view on psychiatry and society fucking shattered. I wanted to die more than when I came in. If this was all behavioral and I was expected to control these feelings alone I was done. It was impossible. In a 5 minute conversation every hope I had was smashed and he cheerfully walked off to make more money.
A nurse asked if I wanted to eat, I refused and refused also to leave my bed as when I looked there was a huge guy pacing outside my room. The nurse calmly said I would have to get up soon. Time passed and another nurse gave me my morning medications. Soon after she left I got up I saw the big guy in the room next to me. "So he was the one crying." I was shocked such an innocent sound could come from him. I walked slowly to the main room and sat behind a pole near the nurse station, my knees hugged tight to my chest. One of the nurses said my old name and reffered to me as "he-she" another nurse hushed and corrected her saying I was behind a pole. I got up angry and asked if I could check myself out as coming here was a mistake, they called Dr A who sat with me and told me to use my time here wisely. I was too scared to argue and asked only that I be allowed to shave my face, a perk I was granted on a trust basis.
For the next I hid in my room eventually I was registered and given a physical where they checked my vitals and my cuts. After a few more hours of questioning my existance mania set in. Suddenly all worries and fears were erased and I was out joking with nurses and going insane with boredom. I spent the day \pacing until Jude came to visit. He brought the first book in the trilogy "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" at my earlier request. He said he had cleaned tmy apartment and cared for my cat, we played scrabble and he found Alice in Wonderland in the unit for me to watch. We witnessed an old lady with dementia freak out at a nurse saying she knew who did it and was going to kill them.
Afterwords I showered and went to bed, OH and made a cutting tool out of a plastic spoon. Oh sweet control.
Saturday, 23 June 2012
Psych Ward: Admission
I got admitted last night to a psychiatric ward. I went of my own free will as I had been planning my suicide for 2 days and had written part of my suicide note. I saw a Dr Amadula (or something) but he seemed not interested in my desire to end my existence and sent me home. On the way home I freaked out, I had lost all hope. Jude quickly called our therapist Danya and explained the situation. So after a delightful meal and rolling around with Jude's kittens we went back to the ER. Our second trip began with me arguing with a registration nurse over her not calling me by my legal name. After speaking with another nurse the matter was hastily resolved and I shot the first nurse a venomous glare. After waiting hours watching Jude draw we found out I was admitted to the psych ward. Jude took the liberty of removing ANYTHING I could use to hurt myself and despite a few whines and protests his glare was all it took for me to give in. Shortly thereafter two nurses came in to take me away; One was a fat middle aged women who would roll endlessly if she was pushed off her too small legs. The other was an older gentle looking man. I knew quickly who I liked more.
The fat women misgendered Jude and I and when corrected she sharply said how it "didn't matter". She quickly gave Jude my things minus the clothes on my back (they did take the string from my hoodie though). I was told to sit in a wheelchair to which I flatly refused. We walked to the nurses desk and the fat women said she wanted "he-she" in a wheelchair, being in no mood for idiots I grabbed my chest and said loudly "Umm boobs, I'm a girl and I am not taking a wheelchair I can walk fine." After getting to the unit at 12:00am they took my bra, boots, and belts and I was sent to my shoebox of a room. I immediatly looked for things to cut with but found done. I had no control...
It was hard to sleep that night, every 30 minutes a nurse would crack open the door and shine a flashlight in to make sure you were in bed. I lay awake for a while unable to fall asleep in this strange place. The person in the next room cried for a while, the sobs were that of a young terrified girl. Eventually they stopped and I could sleep
The fat women misgendered Jude and I and when corrected she sharply said how it "didn't matter". She quickly gave Jude my things minus the clothes on my back (they did take the string from my hoodie though). I was told to sit in a wheelchair to which I flatly refused. We walked to the nurses desk and the fat women said she wanted "he-she" in a wheelchair, being in no mood for idiots I grabbed my chest and said loudly "Umm boobs, I'm a girl and I am not taking a wheelchair I can walk fine." After getting to the unit at 12:00am they took my bra, boots, and belts and I was sent to my shoebox of a room. I immediatly looked for things to cut with but found done. I had no control...
It was hard to sleep that night, every 30 minutes a nurse would crack open the door and shine a flashlight in to make sure you were in bed. I lay awake for a while unable to fall asleep in this strange place. The person in the next room cried for a while, the sobs were that of a young terrified girl. Eventually they stopped and I could sleep
Thursday, 14 June 2012
This isn't me.
It's all I can do to try not to cut I would do it if I knew my boyfriend wouldn't catsh me as I'm wearing a low top with no sleeves and stupidly left my hoodie at home. this breakup/divorce is killing me so many people I know turning on me.
Knowing the hurt I'm causing my wife by leaving her. I've been planning my suicide all day. I don't know what ill do but shit is really fucked up for me riht now. The things I want to do to this body are unspeakable the marks I want to leave. I feel like another person who just wants to tear away the flesh of this innocent beaten fuel and leave her ravaged and abused.... Fuck.... What the fuck is going on with me...
Sunday, 10 June 2012
What am I to you?
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I went through a period where these meds were working but now they aren't. The sun is going down and I'm missing work sitting in my apartment trying to get up the courage to go to the hospital... I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to be normal, I'm sick of being sick.
I left my wife, yeah... what the fuck. I am starting to wonder if I am sane enough to be making decisions, I'm beyond broke and just went on a shopping spree spending over 150.00 dollars. I've got a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and he is kind of awesome... though he's also american and he's a video game artist so he'll likely move away or not even stay in Canada... I'm all about him, I sleep in his bed almost every night and feel a sense of comfort and normalcy but it could be ripped from me at any moment... I realized that today.
Am I really important to him? Am I really his girlfriend or am I just a pretend girlfriend who he'll dispose of when he moves. I'm not really worth staying around for and he has a bright future. I can't blame him for leaving but who's to say he'll even stay in Canada. I'm going to see his Family this week in Maine but I also wonder if he's taking me out of conveniance and a want for company or if he actually wants to take me to see his family.
He doesn't talk about his feelings alot. The other day I went home sick from work and he picked me up on the side of the road he was pretty frustrated with me as I had left work and was walkking in the rain,... at the time he didn't know that I had staggered elevated through the woods on an uncleared path... I was soaking wet and shivering when he picked me up.
He definitely cares but... how much.... is this relationship just for fun... is it going anywhere.... I should be packing right now but I just want to sleep I just want release from this
I am going to sleep I hope he won't be mad but... It's better than the contemplated alternative.... or is it
I'll get back to you on that one.
I left my wife, yeah... what the fuck. I am starting to wonder if I am sane enough to be making decisions, I'm beyond broke and just went on a shopping spree spending over 150.00 dollars. I've got a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and he is kind of awesome... though he's also american and he's a video game artist so he'll likely move away or not even stay in Canada... I'm all about him, I sleep in his bed almost every night and feel a sense of comfort and normalcy but it could be ripped from me at any moment... I realized that today.
Am I really important to him? Am I really his girlfriend or am I just a pretend girlfriend who he'll dispose of when he moves. I'm not really worth staying around for and he has a bright future. I can't blame him for leaving but who's to say he'll even stay in Canada. I'm going to see his Family this week in Maine but I also wonder if he's taking me out of conveniance and a want for company or if he actually wants to take me to see his family.
He doesn't talk about his feelings alot. The other day I went home sick from work and he picked me up on the side of the road he was pretty frustrated with me as I had left work and was walkking in the rain,... at the time he didn't know that I had staggered elevated through the woods on an uncleared path... I was soaking wet and shivering when he picked me up.
He definitely cares but... how much.... is this relationship just for fun... is it going anywhere.... I should be packing right now but I just want to sleep I just want release from this
I am going to sleep I hope he won't be mad but... It's better than the contemplated alternative.... or is it
I'll get back to you on that one.
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Screwdriver.
So I cut again.... this time I used a screw driver and made a line down my arm along where my vein was it was relaxing knowing that that same line made with a razer would be the end. Why did I cut? I flirted with a girl at a bar... because I am pathetic and quite frankly a slut. My dad used to call me that and now I believe he may be right. I do look for physical affections beyond what I am given by my partner, I'm not saying sex per say I just want to be close to someone my own age who I can pretend to have a "normal" relationship with. I'm not saying I don't love my partner because I F**KING DO more than anything in this entire swimming universe. Oh well no point in really mentioning it.
I bought a pack of razorblades today, or should I say a friend bought them for me unknowingly, I kind of feel bad for him. I'll have to be sure he doesn't find out. I don't think I have the capacity to cut with a blade but it gives me a sense of empowerment to be able to. Y'know maybe that's what cutting is to me a sense of empowerment, taking back my life. It's something that no one can stop me from doing. Cutting is mine and no one can stop me, I can express whatever I want in my skin. Hurt and art all rolled into one to create a temporary masterpiece, or at least in my eyes.
I also got a sweater which I purchased for the sake of hiding my cuts as it's not something I want people to know about. I like to keep my cutting a secret as it stands only 2 people know about it so I hope to keep it that way.
Anyway I'm going to go to bed as my head is feeling foggy and this apartment is starting to freak me out. Too scared of this place to stay awake. I'll have to accomplish things tomorrow instead of tonight.
I bought a pack of razorblades today, or should I say a friend bought them for me unknowingly, I kind of feel bad for him. I'll have to be sure he doesn't find out. I don't think I have the capacity to cut with a blade but it gives me a sense of empowerment to be able to. Y'know maybe that's what cutting is to me a sense of empowerment, taking back my life. It's something that no one can stop me from doing. Cutting is mine and no one can stop me, I can express whatever I want in my skin. Hurt and art all rolled into one to create a temporary masterpiece, or at least in my eyes.
I also got a sweater which I purchased for the sake of hiding my cuts as it's not something I want people to know about. I like to keep my cutting a secret as it stands only 2 people know about it so I hope to keep it that way.
Anyway I'm going to go to bed as my head is feeling foggy and this apartment is starting to freak me out. Too scared of this place to stay awake. I'll have to accomplish things tomorrow instead of tonight.
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