Screwdriver.

So I cut again.... this time I used a screw driver and made a line down my arm along where my vein was it was relaxing knowing that that same line made with a razer would be the end. Why did I cut? I flirted with a girl at a bar... because I am pathetic and quite frankly a slut. My dad used to call me that and now I believe he may be right. I do look for physical affections beyond what I am given by my partner, I'm not saying sex per say I just want to be close to someone my own age who I can pretend to have a "normal" relationship with. I'm not saying I don't love my partner because I F**KING DO more than anything in this entire swimming universe. Oh well no point in really mentioning it.

I bought a pack of razorblades today, or should I say a friend bought them for me unknowingly, I kind of feel bad for him. I'll have to be sure he doesn't find out. I don't think I have the capacity to cut with a blade but it gives me a sense of empowerment to be able to. Y'know maybe that's what cutting is to me a sense of empowerment, taking back my life. It's something that no one can stop me from doing. Cutting is mine and no one can stop me, I can express whatever I want in my skin. Hurt and art all rolled into one to create a temporary masterpiece, or at least in my eyes.

I also got a sweater which I purchased for the sake of hiding my cuts as it's not something I want people to know about. I like to keep my cutting a secret as it stands only 2 people know about it so I hope to keep it that way.

Anyway I'm going to go to bed as my head is feeling foggy and this apartment is starting to freak me out. Too scared of this place to stay awake. I'll have to accomplish things tomorrow instead of tonight.