What am I to you?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I went through a period where these meds were working but now they aren't. The sun is going down and I'm missing work sitting in my apartment trying to get up the courage to go to the hospital... I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to be normal, I'm sick of being sick.

I left my wife, yeah... what the fuck. I am starting to wonder if I am sane enough to be making decisions, I'm beyond broke and just went on a shopping spree spending over 150.00 dollars. I've got a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and he is kind of awesome... though he's also american and he's a video game artist so he'll likely move away or not even stay in Canada... I'm all about him, I sleep in his bed almost every night and feel a sense of comfort and normalcy but it could be ripped from me at any moment... I realized that today.

Am I really important to him? Am I really his girlfriend or am I just a pretend girlfriend who he'll dispose of when he moves. I'm not really worth staying around for and he has a bright future. I can't blame him for leaving but who's to say he'll even stay in Canada. I'm going to see his Family this week in Maine but I also wonder if he's taking me out of conveniance and a want for company or if he actually wants to take me to see his family.

He doesn't talk about his feelings alot. The other day I went home sick from work and he picked me up on the side of the road he was pretty frustrated with me as I had left work and was walkking in the rain,... at the time he didn't know that I had staggered elevated through the woods on an uncleared path... I was soaking wet and shivering when he picked me up.

He definitely cares but... how much.... is this relationship just for  fun... is it going anywhere.... I should be packing right now but I just want to sleep I just want release from this

I am going to sleep I hope he won't be mad but... It's better than the contemplated alternative.... or is it

I'll get back to you on that one.