Hancel's Promise.

"I want you to feel special. I want u to always feel like u belong on this earth that you are loved and cherished like no other 
I want u to constantly feel loved 
I pinky promise you that I will make you this way."

"Everyday I will do my best, this is the promise i will make to you.

I want to give you the kind of feeling people write novels about."

The most important words anyone has ever said to me. Thank you my love.

The Healthy Life

Y'know what? I'm fucked I just don't get this world. I have no skills, I work at a callcenter and some days the job drives me so close to the edge I just want to cut open my arms. I want to be an artist, I have great ideas but can't put them down on paper or in any other means. I have the mind of a great artist and it would make me so happy to be one but I'm fucked so it's never going to happen.  My teen years were spent fighting against my parents and my school for the right to express who I was. The person that was repressed.

My parents thought it was a good idea to not let me get piercings, or dress how I wanted to. When I came out as transgender they wouldn't have it. They were always consumed with my sister or their own lives. I was barely able to attend after school clubs. I was miserably depressed and never felt ilike a proper human and as a result I hated myself and got abused. Now years later I'm fucked with no skills and Borderline Personality Disorder. My life is set in stone and even if it wasn't it's got nowhere to go. My passions will never be realized nore will the pursuit of my passions.

I've lived an unhealthy lifestyle all my life simply because I don't know how to do anything else. I always said I would have no regrets... but I do... I have 1 and that is not having the chance to be a normal healthy teenager. WHY ME?!?! I want friends, I want to have some outlet, I want to be emotionally healthy and I want to have had a good school life. It's so easy to look at me and say "Oh lots of people go through the same thing" and yeah you're right but still this isn't "lots of people" this is ME I am me I feel this pain every day. WHY CAN"T I BE A FUCKING HEALTHY PERSON?!

I'm starting to think that suicide attempt was my best decision ever. I'm too far gone.  I need a life coach or something stupid. I need to meet new people. I need to apprentice in art something-or-other. I need another chance to grow and prosper and be all I can be., because right now I'm nothing. I need to explode. I need to just lose it... maybe that will help. Just scream and cry and convulse, lord knows it's coming I fight it every day. but I'm too shut off from the world. People see me and comment on how sad I look little do they know I'm always sad and when they CAN see it it means I'm about to explode. They offer hugs but I have to refuse incase I lose my composure and cry as that would be bad. Whatever fuck this blog I'm going to bed I'm too frustrated.

New Perspective

I feel really stable today. I've felt really stable lately in general. I stayed true to my promise and stayed up the whole night and got paperwork done. I'm really proud of myself that is the first time I've ever risen to a task of that nature and succeeded it makes me feel I am competant and capable of things. I guess you could say it boosted my self esteem. I feel alot more "normal" now, in a good way of course.

I got my ears stretched today. I had them taken from a 14g to a 10g the process was not very painful at all and I feel really good about it. Doing something so out there is kind of nice, I enjoy self expression. I do really need to try and not go overboard though. OH and I did my dishes today. It's the first time I've done my dishes in months. I've only done my dishes maybe 10 plus times since moving out 2 years ago so doing them and not minding made me feel good. I'm hoping this sticks around with me.

Now that so much is out of my way I can finally focus on developing myself as a person and building character, the kind that I want. I am going to start painting I think. The artist life is one I want to pursue even if it is hidden and I don't make a big deal of it painting would be cool. I guess I have a new perspective. I feel... enlightened? Of course I know with bipolar and BPD that could change but I hope that I can at least establish the building blocks so that when my episodes happen I have a more safe environment to recover in. I need to eliminate turmoil and fear in my life and take care of myself more. Sadly I have a mental illness and it requires extra attention. Maybe if I acknowledge it and take care then I can be high functioning like I was today in the future, I'd really like that.

So yeah however I come out I'm not sure but I'm going to try and really enjoy the process of discovering myself in a healthy way. No more self destructing. I need to make healthy choices for me because... well hell, maybe I'm worth it. Never thought I'd read me typing this. Let's just hope my next blog is this positive.

Wish me luck.

Alice

Getting her Back.

I wish I could take it all back. That period of time where I wounded my lover. I'm sitting here as the sun rises. Having only gotten 4 hours sleep in these last two days and all I can think of is the damage I've done and how quickly she's forgiven me... I'm so very lucky to have her... I should have nevver hurt her to begin with.

I need to try harder to fight these urges and impulses. She of all people doesn't deserve the kind of pain that I brought. There is nothing I can do to make up for it but I'm going to keep trying. I refuse to sleep until this immigration paperwork is done. I'm nearly done of pictures then it's just printing skype conversations and rechecking emails. Oh and after reciepts and making sure things are in order. I think most of that can be done before sleep... it has to be. It won't make up for what I've done but I really need that girl here with me now more than ever and I've dawdled long enough. No more playing around with little flames. I aim to ignite the earth.

She's mine, and I'm not renting her to anyone, especially the US of A

Old Blog: IMPORTED!!!

So I found out this nifty feature on Google, which makes me crush on Google even more despite the fact that they are taking my personal information and using it for corporate espionage...  I mean... "marketing".

I was able to go to my old blog I kept from Highschool until the time Hancel and I met and merge it with this blog so now you will find this blog has posts that go back to 2007 which were from the other blog I kept. Though I doubt anyone would read them I find them fascinating and they make me realize... I pity my younger self, she really didn't have a chance. I'm going to be reading through all of my old blogs... I feel I've lost too much of myself over the years and I feel the things I've lost are important. So this is my journey, one of self discovery and reversion to a healthy extent... I hope.

So yeah I just had to post this because I thought it was amazing. I want to see if I can merge all my blogs now.

Also I'm thinking of getting back into poetry... I know there is no money in it but what do I care... it's an outlet. Maybe someday I'll write a book a nd sell it to depressed youth XD

I wanted to say more but I'm really overwhelmed with happy right now at this whole blog import thing.

So I'm going to go Bye-bye!!! <3


PS: The drafts from my old blog posted too.... have to fix that... maybe.

Therapy and Hallucinations.

What the fuck am I doing? I missed another therapy session with Danya. I think I'm just going to discontinue our services as I never see her and aside from that I hate her for letting Jude stay with her after I attempted suicide. It's obvious who she cares about and it isn't me. I really wanted to see her today to clear some things up but fuck it I guess I don't get that. Thanks a fucking lot sleep. I just can't wake up or go to bed early. I am unreliable until 1:00PM sadly that's just how it is, getting up in the morning is a real struggle for me, it's why I work nights. It's why I'm not in many positions of importance. My alarms will not awaken me for more than a second.

I called my psychiatrist again today to schedule an appointment (the medication isn't working enough) however she's out of office for ANOTHER month. I feel like absolute shit, all the people who are supposed to be making me better are only pissing me off and making me worse by constantly showing me they don't give a flying fuck about my condition. I'm pissed off. I'm trying my fucking HARDEST to get better but they aren't meeting me half way. I am just one of those people who fell through the cracks, I have always been that person so it should be no surprise that it's like that when I'm grown up too.

This is my final cry. After this it's me and me alone. I don't know if I want to see these useless doctors anymore, or these therapists. Do I need them? Was I worse before I had them? Maybe I'm just a normal person and I can be fine without them. I'm thinking of coming off everything... but I need those mood stabilizers or I go insane. They barely keep me sane as it is but without them I lose my mind.
Oh and while on that topic. I've been hallucinating a SHIT TON. If  go out after dark I see some STRANGE and scary shit. Giant decaying corpses lurning over my shoulder. A dog at my feet at 1:00am in the grocery store. Or the fucking wolves that hunt for me when I get close to my apartment They get my blood pumping really fast, feeling that if I don't get in quick enough they will find where I live and eat me. OH and my favorite. The shadowy figure walking behind me projecting images through my head of putting a knife through the back of my neck penetrating my trachea and coming out my adams apple. Going outside at night is really hard for me now. At least I don't see them in the apartment anymore but outside is really hard to take too. Fuck I just want to be normal mentally well....

I have Japanese lessons today... I'm going to look forward to that and if I can stop being sick then hopefully I can make it to work. That is a must given my financial situation.

no I take that back since I wrote about them they are in the apartment. and i FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! tears and crieing goes natural when you see a fucking hulking shadow standing over your desk. I can't hit them or touch them or look at them. I can't win.

Morning Depression

My morning started out good playing the MMO “Perfect World” for a little bit. But now after talking to a friend and him saying he might not be able to make it over tomorrow because of his sleep schedule I’m miserably depressed. Like I just asked him today and he was upfront.. I have no reason to feel rejected but all of a sudden I just feel like everyone hates me or isn’t really interested in me. I kind of just want to dissapear and watch as everyone goes about their normal lives without me. People keep saying how much they care and don’t want me gone but I feel they are empty words. Just lies they tell me to make themselves feel better for not actually caring.
I haven’t taken my mood stabilizers yet this morning I just switched the dose time last night… maybe that was a bad idea. Then again to think this could be prevented by medication frustrates me to no end. I don’t know wether to switch it back to mornings or not I haven’t been this depressed since I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.
It just doesn’t feel like life is getting any better. I can even see myself being like this with my wife home and after Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which scares me. Why am I even bothering to go through all this if I’ll keep being miserable? Why was I even born? I don’t see many compelling reasons to stay here anymore. Not saying I’m going to kill myself because it would hurt my wife way too much I think… then again I wonder about that sometimes too. I never questioned how much she cared about me before and I know she does but… i just don’t feel it. I’m really a terrible person I just don’t feel any huge connection to anyone anymore. After being left on my own after getting out of the hospital last time I just don’t feel like anything but alone.
I never thought I’d get this messed up but here I am more damaged than ever before. Good job Alice you’re really fucked this time… ok maybe this whole suicide jazz isn’t such a bad idea after all. but there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to unlike last time… there’s a child inside me crying… fuck this.

Coming down (hard)

So I'm crashing, and I'm crashing hard. I feel like absolute shit, in fact if shit could feel I dare say I'd feel worse than it would assuming it felt bad. Let me paint a picture. Mania is flying down the highway on a motorcycle with no helmet at top speed. Crashing from mania (mood swing) is like a transfer truck pulling in front of you and you hitting it head on without any way to stop. I feel like the result of that.

I'm randomly crying for NO real worthwhile reason. Almost argued with my wife over money and my out of control spending (she was in the right) All I want to do is sit on a bench and sleep. Honestly if I could I'd get drunk or high, anything to make this feeling go away. I'm so exausted etc etc etc. Is this going to be the rest of my life? I take my perscribed Valproic-Acid every day to keep my mood in check but it doesn't work. I want to up my dose but I don't want to self medicate... however my psychiatrist isn't in for the whole month... this is going to cause a HUGE problem in my life.

Whatever I'm too tired to blog, screw this.

No wait.... I'm manic again.. FUCK YES!!  if I'm rapid cycling I'm going to flip the fuck out but until then FUCK YES I"M NOT MISERABLE ANYMORE!!!

I'm NOT Bipolar: Tales of Mania

That should be the name of a book and I should write it once this is all said and done and I'm a crazy old lady. Today has been a day of Mania on and off. Being Bipolar Type 2 I experience shorter bursts of Mania than someone who is type 1, this can be frustrating but today I reached a new level of mania, it was... like sex (this blog is going to get explicit from here) Hypersexuality is a huge problem for me when I am manic, it can make me feel like a total degenerate whore which usually after thinking this I end up filleting my arm as punishment for being a worthless slut for having such intense urges for things a married women in a monogymous relationship should not have. This time I didn't, this time I got a call.. ohh what a DELIGHTFUL call it was.

Without giving too much detail I was speaking to an unreasonable chap who was having technical issues. He was angry, oh so amazingly angry and upset. He kept his cool somewhat with small outbursts. He was like watching a volcano spouting bits of fire here and there just waiting for it to erupt into a full blown firestorm. It was delightful (I use that word alot) As the call went on and he got more and more upset he started bleeding from his surgery which made him more whiney and upset, which only made me more enthralled and heightened my euphoric state. I listened to him yell and cry and complain about the most absurd things. He was so incredibly unreasonable even when I offered to send someone to fix his problem so he didn't bleed out he yelled at an overnight wait. He was a gem and I wanted the time we spent together to go on. Merited I couldn't deal with this in person I think I would be scared he would hurt me... then again perhapse I wouldn't I feel pretty fucking invincible right now. Don't get me wrong I help people and I am compassionate to those who deserve it but oh my goodness it's a treat when the unreasonable decide to cross my path. THe people who think the world is theirs and that I should lick their boot. To teach them who actually owns the world and who should lick who's boot is truly a delicacy. To watch them suffer like a child and expect me to take their abuse. I could go on forever about the feeling of this scenario but I will spare you my oh so silent Blog Maybe I should just look into being some kind of dominatrix... though I could only do it when I'm manic haha!

I'm currently writing the digits of Pi on my arm as a lack of things to do I'll post how many numbers I got to later it gives me something to do and to put my mind on.

Anyway I'm done blogging I have things to do and such. It's been a slice taking about my crazy moments. Can't wait to see how this night unfolds. This is so much better than how I've been feeling. I'm probably going to suffer a huge crash but WHATEVER!!!!!

Beast and the Harlot

I need a revelation, like the one I got last time I tried to die... then again dieing would be good too. I could go for that. I don't want to be the person I am forced to be for everyone else. Then again if I got what I wanted... what would I be, who would I be? I'm really thinking about doing a take 2 on this suicide thing. My problems aren't going away and they aren't going to either, Borderline Personality Disorder doesn't go away and it isn't cured, it is me and I am it... my brain has been turned into a sickness and now everything I want is sickness. I want things that I can't have. Things that wound those around me.

I need to be with people, it's the only way I can stay normal. I need to feel another human being. I crave things I should not crave and for that I'm a whore. For putting the one that means most to me through so much pain I'd rather die. It's either cheat, or suffer... neither of those I can handle so a bottle of pills seems just as adequate. Don't get me wrong Blog I don't just want to die because I'm a harlot and because I'm a parasite who feeds off of others to sustain myself, no not so much. It's also the hallucinations, the voices, the sickness, the inability to function normally, and knowing that I'll NEVER be truly happy. I'll just coast through life that's the best I can hope for. It's either that or go crazy and fuck who I want drink what I want pop what I want and smoke whatever I want. That's generally how people with BPD live and frankly I understand now why. If all I get is a borderline life why not do whatever the fuck I want to self dstructive or not. I might as well feel  SOMETHING

I'll leave you with a quote on BPD:

“The borderline patient is a therapist’s nightmare…because borderlines never really get better. The best you can do is help them coast, without getting sucked into their pathology…They’re the chronically depressed, the determinedly addictive, living from one emotional disaster to the next. Bed hoppers, stomach pumpers, freeway jumpers, and sad-eyed bench sitters with arms stitched up like footballs and psychic wounds that can never be sutured. Their egos and fragile as spun sugar, their psyches irretrievably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle with crucial pieces missing. Borderlines go from therapist to therapist, hoping to find a magic bullet for the crushing feelings of emptiness…And they end up taking temporary vacations in psychiatric wards, emerge looking good, raising everyone’s hopes. Until the next letdown, real or imagined, the next excursion into self-damage. What they don’t do is change." -Jonathan Kellerman

Night Time Hallucinations

I need to go to sleep... but I can't bring myself to lay in the bedroom. I know that when I go there something horrifying will be waiting for me. I never realized this was a problem, I kind of just thought it was normal or it was just how I am but now I have to wonder if the voices and hallucinations aren't part of my sickness... why do I have to be so scared of them... why do they have to be so terrifying I can't even describe what they look like it's so awful and when I describe them they come.. guh have to stop hair on neck... FUCK I need to get my knife back from the hospital. What is wrong with me... this is NOT normal and it's NOT okay. I don't want to be sick I've always done SO WELL at hiding it but it is getting worse and I'm so so very scared. I'm almost in tears. I need to step away from writing this for a while and play some video games...

The sun is finally up so maybe I can go to bed, light doesn't seem to completely fix the issue but it at least lessens it sometimes. This is becoming too much I need to talk to my therapist about this today even though she does deal in rape and sexual assault she's all I've got as far as therapists presently my psychiatrist is only in a couple days this month.

I need to find out what's wrong with me and get better or at least manage it I can't keep living like this. Anyway I'm exausted from being terrified for hours so I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is helpful. I plan to work on my wife's immigration paperwork. We're nearly done I need to push harder and finish before I lose myself. the feeling that I am going to dissapear and be replaced by something else is terrifying. I need to be euthanized. For now I'll have to keep staying strong and doing whatever is needed to maintain control and continue my life.. hopefully between now and then therapy and psychology will have a breakthrough. I need to learn how to manage this if it's possible. There is too much riding on my shoulders for me to let insanity take hold. All through this the only person I worry about is Hancel. If she wasn't depending on me I'd be less scared but I fear what this will do to her.

Keep strong Alice, and fight the monsters as long as you can.

Descent into Madness

I've come to an unsettling and somewhat scary conclusion. I'm insane. I hallucinate, I hear voices (mild) I'm terrified to be alone some nights because the shadows and the child with the long black hair will stand at the end of the hallways and watch me from around corners putting images in my head of them flying after me. I'm scared of my hallway, I'm scared of corners. I find it hard to stay faithful in relationships though I've only debateably cheated once ever it is getting harder and harder to resist my desire for human contact, maybe not even sex just being close to a person and feeling that I'm something. I just want to lay in someone's arms even if we're not a couple, even if they don't give a fuck about me but to imagine for that moment that I'm safe.... that's the only time I feel truly safe. I have more and more difficulty talking to people or expressing how I feel with words. I don't want someone telling me they care, I don't want someone being verbally kind to me... I know it's so easy to lie with words and it hurts... but human contact... I can get what I need without someone having to lie and I can give them affections they need without having to lie... it's so perfect really. However life isn't that easy... I'm married and although that doesn't restrict cuddling (I don't think) being transgender does. Although no one will say it to my face I know most men and women don't want to be close to me as a result of my gender identity

I feel I'm so irreversibly fucked up and it's getting worse and worse and that scares me. I deny it all the time especially when doctors ask but I'm getting so much worse. The last time I got stoned I heard the most amazing music the WHOLE time (auditory hallucination) it was wonderful, then I listened in closer and realized that the music I was listening to was thousands of people screaming... I've been told by doctors I'm at high risk for developing psychosis... people with psychosis hallucinate when high... apparentally marijuana can severely harm people with mental illnesses such as the ones I am in possession of... or are in possession of me is more appropriate. I'll have to monitor it. Daily life is also getting more and more difficult.

Today was one of my harder days from the moment I woke up I wished I was dead before I even got out of bed or looked at my phone, I generally sleep in because being awake is just too unpleasant. I can barely talk to my wife because everything I could say to her will bring her misery.. I'm poison for her and I hurt her all the time with my feelings. It kills me to watch her suffer at my hands, I love her more than anything yet I wound her worse than anyone... then again I don't let anyone else get close to me. I wish she could find someone else and be happy... as destroyed as I'd be without her I just hate seeing her sad, if I was her friend I would tell her to leave me and find someone better... she's definitely a prize, men and women would line up for a chance to get with her, and they do in fact. So many people want to be with her but yet she stays with me... I don't understand why she chooses the most fucked up thing in the lot. Why does she love me?

I just wonder how far gone I'll go... how deep will I descent into this madness... hallucinations are getting worse... voices are getting more sinister and my self hatred and anger are ever increasing. It's a constant struggle against myself. I put on a good show, letting people think I'm perfectly or at least mostly normal but I'm not. Today my head got so far away from me I just wanted to go out and get intoxicated and lose myself, just give in to whatever this is and let whatever it is I'm feeling take hold. I was so consumed by these desires and thoughts that to continue functioning I had to go into a restroom and punch myself in the right side of my head until I held my head trying not to cry from the pain. I'm not sure which hurt more my head or my knuckles. I'm both shocked and grateful that no one heard the sound of the impact, perhapse it sounded louder to me.  I looked in the mirror at myself afterwards seeing this disgusting looking person in the mirror with straw like hair holding their head in severe pain and thought of how that would look when I'm elderly... will I be like those old women in wards with dementia... I don't want that... I don't want to be a hagard monster from abusing myself and taking all my pain and frustration and urges out in the form of violence on myself.... I have seen the results of untreated psychosis and it's fucking terrifying... but I've tried to get treatment and I've been turned away from the hospital so often... apparentally that's common for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder, we're like "revolving doors" at the hospital or so my therapist said.

I've decided I either need to end myself or embrace my insanity and stop fighting against it and taking it out on myself. Some people are just crazy... maybe I'm just one of those people that is just meant to be insane and I should just stop fighting it and learn to adapt and make use of it.... I don't know... I fear for my wife... I'm so sick and messed up and although I'm hurting... I know she is hurting too... The only reason I stay as "controlled" as I do is to protect her, from me...

I need...

Brain Splatter

Is everything painful when it's not numb. Is something wrong with me? Am I even alive? I'm kind of starting to question if I'm real, or maybe not so much wether or not I'm real but perhapse everything around me isn't real. I don't feel anything, pain is the only thing that makes me speculate as to the validity of my existence. I'm not sad, I'm just nothing or atleast that's how it seems to me.

I frankly wish I could just die or have succeeded in my suicide attempt. It's not so much that living is "painful" it's that living is the absence of anything except anger and nothingness.

What's worse is I have this wife, she'd do anything for me and stick with me through anything. I completely don't deserve her in fact me ceasing to exist would probably be better for her. She deserves someone far more able to please her than me. When it comes down to it I'm probably the worst thing for her. She's loyal without failure and thus far I've been more or less similar but there is always this desire a pull toward human affections. I read this is common with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder which is lovely as I have both. I don't mean to sound like some sexual deviant (I hide it really well) but I need human contact and I hate myself for it. I know it's normal but if you're in a perfectly good relationship then you should be able to resist without it killing you.

I really need to dissapear I want to go out and get really intoxicated and just see where I wake up, let my instincts just do the talking. I  UGH yet again I sit here trying to articulate how I feel but failing this is so frustrating. I'm going to go be frustrated and regroup my thoughts. I'll try again later.

Subtle Notions.

I keep trying to find enjoyment in day to day life. So far I haven't gotten any. If you're reading this blog because you're looking for something posative you might as well stop now. I see that I get pageviewers and I can't fathom who would be reading this blog though it seems most are local. This is the last piece of media minus Tumblr that I don't have to censor.

I kind of feel like a broken robot in alot of ways. I have my tasks for the day and usually I get none of them done, I typically end up staring at a computer screen trying to make myself happy but ultimately failing. It's now morning and the sun is coming up and I can't wait to go to bed. It seems not existing is more pleasant than it's counterpart. That period where I was in t the hospital, the part that I know have amnesia with regards to... it was wonderful as to me it's like I never was.

I think if I could go back in time I would stop trying to have friends sooner and just accept being alone to prepare for what the rest of my life would be. Though while I say that I'm being dishonest. I wish I had people around who cared about me and made efforts to talk to me about all these things in my head and hang out with me. But I'll never admit it to anyone, I'm not letting anyone back in easily. I'd rather push them away sooner than later, save the heartbreak of a friendship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  I'd rather save them getting inside my head and realizing how dark it is and then having them try to save me (though I want them to) I don't think anyone knows just how messed up I am, I don't think they see the scars on my arms as I try to hide them unless my sweater becomes unbearable. I think that on the outside I seem more or less normal. I'm the perfect disguise. This blog is my dark pleasure.

I make subtle attempts at human contact usually at work but they go unoticed and that's fine it used to upset me but I'm far over it.  Besides the people involved likely have no idea I'm trying to have an interaction with them, or maybe I'm going about it poorly. Either way most of my day is spent with my mouth closed, I've grown to hate talking I like silence.

Anyway I'm going to bed I'm exhausted and sick of being here to think about things.

Later.

Thoughts on Things.

So nothing new has really happened at all, I kind of just exist. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I don't really se a point in going but I might as well, then at least when people see me struggling they can't say I didn't try to get better and fix my life. I just wonder how long I will carry on this struggle and what will cause it to let up (if anything). Everything just feels kind of hopeless like I'm never going to get better, I've kind of come to the conclusion that I just have to do what I want and ignore all else in hopes that things will get better and if they don't then at least I'll be me.

After the whole suicide attempt thing and being saved and stuck here longer I kind of stopped caring what people think of me. This world seems really temporary and so do the people in it. I mean I'm the girl who tried to take her own life why should I of all people care what the world thinks. In that regard attempting to take my life was really liberating, I don't really suffer anxiety issues anymore. In fact I dare say I'm quite confident, no maybe not confident I just don't give a fuck anymore. Though a downside is for some reason I'm always angry, I feel like a pissed off teenager then again in my opinion I have the right to feel that way. I've been raped, abused, beaten, ridiculed, and discarded countless times. and now years later as a result I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just one of those people that got fucked up by so many people that there is no fixing me now, it's only "managing" my problems. So fuck the world, and fuck society. I have little concern for it I'll just kick around until my time here is up and then I will cease existing. I can live with that.

I don't really think it's cruel, I mean the world in general is cruel so if anything what I've been through is more or less "normal. Society failed to protect me and it's not surprising nor do I really care. Society is a guise used to give people the illusion of safety in a civilised social structure, however as I've learned not all adhere to that code. There are people who want things and they don't care if it hurts others to get them. I don't know what it was about me that makes me so easy to take advantage of or use and toss away but it's really annoying.

Anyway I need to go to bed, therapy in the morning and all that garbage.

Also: 

Suicide Attempt: Failed

I'm still trying to finish up the journal's I wrote while in a Psychiatric ward but I've been interrupted. Honestly writing this seems surreal as fuck but I guess it's not so much the writing it part but more that I still exist to write it, not sure yet if I'm happy about that or not.

Two days ago on Tuesday after my first day back to work and that morning having Jude break up with me and saying he was going back to the states while I was coming down off of Zopiclone "Sleeping Medication". I tried to kill myself, I'm kind of still mad that I failed at succeeding because now when I talk about it it will sound like I'm in it for the attention, hence why I'm posting here where not many read and I won't be judged by a bunch of ignorant half-wits.

So yeah, suicide. I was okay with Jude leaving me, rather I could cope but then he posted a facebook status after leaving the apartment, it was the lyrics from a song I now loathe by a band called Rise Against.

"...and I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye.
There's a train leaving town in an hour, it's not waiting for you, and neither am I."


I couldn't take it, right after being broken up with. So I wrote a blog on tumblr while slowly overdosing on Zopiclone. I wanted to do it slow to make sure it's what I really wanted and sure enough I didn't. I talked to people not telling them I was dieing while I spoke to them but Jude caught on after 8 pills and my text getting more and more unreadable he called the paramedics to come get me and called my mother. I was really mad, I genuinely wanted to die. I remember texting him how mad I was that they were putting in an IV to save me.


When I got home the next day Jude was nowhere to be found. He later came in and told me he was going back to america tomorrow and that he was staying iwth our therapist Danya tonight. He said he couldn't deal with this and needed to put himself first so he was leaving. I was pretty devistated, I had just gotten home after trying to die to which he rescued me but instead of actually rescuing me he just took my choice away from me and then left me. I decided then that I was going to try to kill myself again. Hancel could tell something was wrong and sent over a friend to make sure I didn't do anything, he was super nice and it worked I decided to stay on this plane.

So Hancel and I are together again (thank glob) and I still exist. I figured after being saved I'd have some great epiphany I mean isn't that how it goes in movies... well not so much. The only thing I'm left with is this feeling that I don't belong here. I really feel as though I should be dead. anyway I'm tired I'll  blog more when I wake up I've been typing this blog for 2 days now ugh.