Is everything painful when it's not numb. Is something wrong with me? Am I even alive? I'm kind of starting to question if I'm real, or maybe not so much wether or not I'm real but perhapse everything around me isn't real. I don't feel anything, pain is the only thing that makes me speculate as to the validity of my existence. I'm not sad, I'm just nothing or atleast that's how it seems to me.
I frankly wish I could just die or have succeeded in my suicide attempt. It's not so much that living is "painful" it's that living is the absence of anything except anger and nothingness.
What's worse is I have this wife, she'd do anything for me and stick with me through anything. I completely don't deserve her in fact me ceasing to exist would probably be better for her. She deserves someone far more able to please her than me. When it comes down to it I'm probably the worst thing for her. She's loyal without failure and thus far I've been more or less similar but there is always this desire a pull toward human affections. I read this is common with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder which is lovely as I have both. I don't mean to sound like some sexual deviant (I hide it really well) but I need human contact and I hate myself for it. I know it's normal but if you're in a perfectly good relationship then you should be able to resist without it killing you.
I really need to dissapear I want to go out and get really intoxicated and just see where I wake up, let my instincts just do the talking. I UGH yet again I sit here trying to articulate how I feel but failing this is so frustrating. I'm going to go be frustrated and regroup my thoughts. I'll try again later.
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