Descent into Madness

I've come to an unsettling and somewhat scary conclusion. I'm insane. I hallucinate, I hear voices (mild) I'm terrified to be alone some nights because the shadows and the child with the long black hair will stand at the end of the hallways and watch me from around corners putting images in my head of them flying after me. I'm scared of my hallway, I'm scared of corners. I find it hard to stay faithful in relationships though I've only debateably cheated once ever it is getting harder and harder to resist my desire for human contact, maybe not even sex just being close to a person and feeling that I'm something. I just want to lay in someone's arms even if we're not a couple, even if they don't give a fuck about me but to imagine for that moment that I'm safe.... that's the only time I feel truly safe. I have more and more difficulty talking to people or expressing how I feel with words. I don't want someone telling me they care, I don't want someone being verbally kind to me... I know it's so easy to lie with words and it hurts... but human contact... I can get what I need without someone having to lie and I can give them affections they need without having to lie... it's so perfect really. However life isn't that easy... I'm married and although that doesn't restrict cuddling (I don't think) being transgender does. Although no one will say it to my face I know most men and women don't want to be close to me as a result of my gender identity

I feel I'm so irreversibly fucked up and it's getting worse and worse and that scares me. I deny it all the time especially when doctors ask but I'm getting so much worse. The last time I got stoned I heard the most amazing music the WHOLE time (auditory hallucination) it was wonderful, then I listened in closer and realized that the music I was listening to was thousands of people screaming... I've been told by doctors I'm at high risk for developing psychosis... people with psychosis hallucinate when high... apparentally marijuana can severely harm people with mental illnesses such as the ones I am in possession of... or are in possession of me is more appropriate. I'll have to monitor it. Daily life is also getting more and more difficult.

Today was one of my harder days from the moment I woke up I wished I was dead before I even got out of bed or looked at my phone, I generally sleep in because being awake is just too unpleasant. I can barely talk to my wife because everything I could say to her will bring her misery.. I'm poison for her and I hurt her all the time with my feelings. It kills me to watch her suffer at my hands, I love her more than anything yet I wound her worse than anyone... then again I don't let anyone else get close to me. I wish she could find someone else and be happy... as destroyed as I'd be without her I just hate seeing her sad, if I was her friend I would tell her to leave me and find someone better... she's definitely a prize, men and women would line up for a chance to get with her, and they do in fact. So many people want to be with her but yet she stays with me... I don't understand why she chooses the most fucked up thing in the lot. Why does she love me?

I just wonder how far gone I'll go... how deep will I descent into this madness... hallucinations are getting worse... voices are getting more sinister and my self hatred and anger are ever increasing. It's a constant struggle against myself. I put on a good show, letting people think I'm perfectly or at least mostly normal but I'm not. Today my head got so far away from me I just wanted to go out and get intoxicated and lose myself, just give in to whatever this is and let whatever it is I'm feeling take hold. I was so consumed by these desires and thoughts that to continue functioning I had to go into a restroom and punch myself in the right side of my head until I held my head trying not to cry from the pain. I'm not sure which hurt more my head or my knuckles. I'm both shocked and grateful that no one heard the sound of the impact, perhapse it sounded louder to me.  I looked in the mirror at myself afterwards seeing this disgusting looking person in the mirror with straw like hair holding their head in severe pain and thought of how that would look when I'm elderly... will I be like those old women in wards with dementia... I don't want that... I don't want to be a hagard monster from abusing myself and taking all my pain and frustration and urges out in the form of violence on myself.... I have seen the results of untreated psychosis and it's fucking terrifying... but I've tried to get treatment and I've been turned away from the hospital so often... apparentally that's common for people who suffer Borderline Personality Disorder, we're like "revolving doors" at the hospital or so my therapist said.

I've decided I either need to end myself or embrace my insanity and stop fighting against it and taking it out on myself. Some people are just crazy... maybe I'm just one of those people that is just meant to be insane and I should just stop fighting it and learn to adapt and make use of it.... I don't know... I fear for my wife... I'm so sick and messed up and although I'm hurting... I know she is hurting too... The only reason I stay as "controlled" as I do is to protect her, from me...

I need...