Morning Depression

My morning started out good playing the MMO “Perfect World” for a little bit. But now after talking to a friend and him saying he might not be able to make it over tomorrow because of his sleep schedule I’m miserably depressed. Like I just asked him today and he was upfront.. I have no reason to feel rejected but all of a sudden I just feel like everyone hates me or isn’t really interested in me. I kind of just want to dissapear and watch as everyone goes about their normal lives without me. People keep saying how much they care and don’t want me gone but I feel they are empty words. Just lies they tell me to make themselves feel better for not actually caring.
I haven’t taken my mood stabilizers yet this morning I just switched the dose time last night… maybe that was a bad idea. Then again to think this could be prevented by medication frustrates me to no end. I don’t know wether to switch it back to mornings or not I haven’t been this depressed since I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.
It just doesn’t feel like life is getting any better. I can even see myself being like this with my wife home and after Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which scares me. Why am I even bothering to go through all this if I’ll keep being miserable? Why was I even born? I don’t see many compelling reasons to stay here anymore. Not saying I’m going to kill myself because it would hurt my wife way too much I think… then again I wonder about that sometimes too. I never questioned how much she cared about me before and I know she does but… i just don’t feel it. I’m really a terrible person I just don’t feel any huge connection to anyone anymore. After being left on my own after getting out of the hospital last time I just don’t feel like anything but alone.
I never thought I’d get this messed up but here I am more damaged than ever before. Good job Alice you’re really fucked this time… ok maybe this whole suicide jazz isn’t such a bad idea after all. but there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to unlike last time… there’s a child inside me crying… fuck this.