Night Time Hallucinations

I need to go to sleep... but I can't bring myself to lay in the bedroom. I know that when I go there something horrifying will be waiting for me. I never realized this was a problem, I kind of just thought it was normal or it was just how I am but now I have to wonder if the voices and hallucinations aren't part of my sickness... why do I have to be so scared of them... why do they have to be so terrifying I can't even describe what they look like it's so awful and when I describe them they come.. guh have to stop hair on neck... FUCK I need to get my knife back from the hospital. What is wrong with me... this is NOT normal and it's NOT okay. I don't want to be sick I've always done SO WELL at hiding it but it is getting worse and I'm so so very scared. I'm almost in tears. I need to step away from writing this for a while and play some video games...

The sun is finally up so maybe I can go to bed, light doesn't seem to completely fix the issue but it at least lessens it sometimes. This is becoming too much I need to talk to my therapist about this today even though she does deal in rape and sexual assault she's all I've got as far as therapists presently my psychiatrist is only in a couple days this month.

I need to find out what's wrong with me and get better or at least manage it I can't keep living like this. Anyway I'm exausted from being terrified for hours so I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is helpful. I plan to work on my wife's immigration paperwork. We're nearly done I need to push harder and finish before I lose myself. the feeling that I am going to dissapear and be replaced by something else is terrifying. I need to be euthanized. For now I'll have to keep staying strong and doing whatever is needed to maintain control and continue my life.. hopefully between now and then therapy and psychology will have a breakthrough. I need to learn how to manage this if it's possible. There is too much riding on my shoulders for me to let insanity take hold. All through this the only person I worry about is Hancel. If she wasn't depending on me I'd be less scared but I fear what this will do to her.

Keep strong Alice, and fight the monsters as long as you can.