Subtle Notions.

I keep trying to find enjoyment in day to day life. So far I haven't gotten any. If you're reading this blog because you're looking for something posative you might as well stop now. I see that I get pageviewers and I can't fathom who would be reading this blog though it seems most are local. This is the last piece of media minus Tumblr that I don't have to censor.

I kind of feel like a broken robot in alot of ways. I have my tasks for the day and usually I get none of them done, I typically end up staring at a computer screen trying to make myself happy but ultimately failing. It's now morning and the sun is coming up and I can't wait to go to bed. It seems not existing is more pleasant than it's counterpart. That period where I was in t the hospital, the part that I know have amnesia with regards to... it was wonderful as to me it's like I never was.

I think if I could go back in time I would stop trying to have friends sooner and just accept being alone to prepare for what the rest of my life would be. Though while I say that I'm being dishonest. I wish I had people around who cared about me and made efforts to talk to me about all these things in my head and hang out with me. But I'll never admit it to anyone, I'm not letting anyone back in easily. I'd rather push them away sooner than later, save the heartbreak of a friendship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  I'd rather save them getting inside my head and realizing how dark it is and then having them try to save me (though I want them to) I don't think anyone knows just how messed up I am, I don't think they see the scars on my arms as I try to hide them unless my sweater becomes unbearable. I think that on the outside I seem more or less normal. I'm the perfect disguise. This blog is my dark pleasure.

I make subtle attempts at human contact usually at work but they go unoticed and that's fine it used to upset me but I'm far over it.  Besides the people involved likely have no idea I'm trying to have an interaction with them, or maybe I'm going about it poorly. Either way most of my day is spent with my mouth closed, I've grown to hate talking I like silence.

Anyway I'm going to bed I'm exhausted and sick of being here to think about things.

Later.