Suicide Attempt: Failed

I'm still trying to finish up the journal's I wrote while in a Psychiatric ward but I've been interrupted. Honestly writing this seems surreal as fuck but I guess it's not so much the writing it part but more that I still exist to write it, not sure yet if I'm happy about that or not.

Two days ago on Tuesday after my first day back to work and that morning having Jude break up with me and saying he was going back to the states while I was coming down off of Zopiclone "Sleeping Medication". I tried to kill myself, I'm kind of still mad that I failed at succeeding because now when I talk about it it will sound like I'm in it for the attention, hence why I'm posting here where not many read and I won't be judged by a bunch of ignorant half-wits.

So yeah, suicide. I was okay with Jude leaving me, rather I could cope but then he posted a facebook status after leaving the apartment, it was the lyrics from a song I now loathe by a band called Rise Against.

"...and I can't tell if you're laughing, between each smile there's a tear in your eye.
There's a train leaving town in an hour, it's not waiting for you, and neither am I."


I couldn't take it, right after being broken up with. So I wrote a blog on tumblr while slowly overdosing on Zopiclone. I wanted to do it slow to make sure it's what I really wanted and sure enough I didn't. I talked to people not telling them I was dieing while I spoke to them but Jude caught on after 8 pills and my text getting more and more unreadable he called the paramedics to come get me and called my mother. I was really mad, I genuinely wanted to die. I remember texting him how mad I was that they were putting in an IV to save me.


When I got home the next day Jude was nowhere to be found. He later came in and told me he was going back to america tomorrow and that he was staying iwth our therapist Danya tonight. He said he couldn't deal with this and needed to put himself first so he was leaving. I was pretty devistated, I had just gotten home after trying to die to which he rescued me but instead of actually rescuing me he just took my choice away from me and then left me. I decided then that I was going to try to kill myself again. Hancel could tell something was wrong and sent over a friend to make sure I didn't do anything, he was super nice and it worked I decided to stay on this plane.

So Hancel and I are together again (thank glob) and I still exist. I figured after being saved I'd have some great epiphany I mean isn't that how it goes in movies... well not so much. The only thing I'm left with is this feeling that I don't belong here. I really feel as though I should be dead. anyway I'm tired I'll  blog more when I wake up I've been typing this blog for 2 days now ugh.