Y'know what? I'm fucked I just don't get this world. I have no skills, I work at a callcenter and some days the job drives me so close to the edge I just want to cut open my arms. I want to be an artist, I have great ideas but can't put them down on paper or in any other means. I have the mind of a great artist and it would make me so happy to be one but I'm fucked so it's never going to happen. My teen years were spent fighting against my parents and my school for the right to express who I was. The person that was repressed.
My parents thought it was a good idea to not let me get piercings, or dress how I wanted to. When I came out as transgender they wouldn't have it. They were always consumed with my sister or their own lives. I was barely able to attend after school clubs. I was miserably depressed and never felt ilike a proper human and as a result I hated myself and got abused. Now years later I'm fucked with no skills and Borderline Personality Disorder. My life is set in stone and even if it wasn't it's got nowhere to go. My passions will never be realized nore will the pursuit of my passions.
I've lived an unhealthy lifestyle all my life simply because I don't know how to do anything else. I always said I would have no regrets... but I do... I have 1 and that is not having the chance to be a normal healthy teenager. WHY ME?!?! I want friends, I want to have some outlet, I want to be emotionally healthy and I want to have had a good school life. It's so easy to look at me and say "Oh lots of people go through the same thing" and yeah you're right but still this isn't "lots of people" this is ME I am me I feel this pain every day. WHY CAN"T I BE A FUCKING HEALTHY PERSON?!
I'm starting to think that suicide attempt was my best decision ever. I'm too far gone. I need a life coach or something stupid. I need to meet new people. I need to apprentice in art something-or-other. I need another chance to grow and prosper and be all I can be., because right now I'm nothing. I need to explode. I need to just lose it... maybe that will help. Just scream and cry and convulse, lord knows it's coming I fight it every day. but I'm too shut off from the world. People see me and comment on how sad I look little do they know I'm always sad and when they CAN see it it means I'm about to explode. They offer hugs but I have to refuse incase I lose my composure and cry as that would be bad. Whatever fuck this blog I'm going to bed I'm too frustrated.
No comments:
Post a Comment