What the fuck am I doing? I missed another therapy session with Danya. I think I'm just going to discontinue our services as I never see her and aside from that I hate her for letting Jude stay with her after I attempted suicide. It's obvious who she cares about and it isn't me. I really wanted to see her today to clear some things up but fuck it I guess I don't get that. Thanks a fucking lot sleep. I just can't wake up or go to bed early. I am unreliable until 1:00PM sadly that's just how it is, getting up in the morning is a real struggle for me, it's why I work nights. It's why I'm not in many positions of importance. My alarms will not awaken me for more than a second.
I called my psychiatrist again today to schedule an appointment (the medication isn't working enough) however she's out of office for ANOTHER month. I feel like absolute shit, all the people who are supposed to be making me better are only pissing me off and making me worse by constantly showing me they don't give a flying fuck about my condition. I'm pissed off. I'm trying my fucking HARDEST to get better but they aren't meeting me half way. I am just one of those people who fell through the cracks, I have always been that person so it should be no surprise that it's like that when I'm grown up too.
This is my final cry. After this it's me and me alone. I don't know if I want to see these useless doctors anymore, or these therapists. Do I need them? Was I worse before I had them? Maybe I'm just a normal person and I can be fine without them. I'm thinking of coming off everything... but I need those mood stabilizers or I go insane. They barely keep me sane as it is but without them I lose my mind.
Oh and while on that topic. I've been hallucinating a SHIT TON. If go out after dark I see some STRANGE and scary shit. Giant decaying corpses lurning over my shoulder. A dog at my feet at 1:00am in the grocery store. Or the fucking wolves that hunt for me when I get close to my apartment They get my blood pumping really fast, feeling that if I don't get in quick enough they will find where I live and eat me. OH and my favorite. The shadowy figure walking behind me projecting images through my head of putting a knife through the back of my neck penetrating my trachea and coming out my adams apple. Going outside at night is really hard for me now. At least I don't see them in the apartment anymore but outside is really hard to take too. Fuck I just want to be normal mentally well....
I have Japanese lessons today... I'm going to look forward to that and if I can stop being sick then hopefully I can make it to work. That is a must given my financial situation.
no I take that back since I wrote about them they are in the apartment. and i FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! tears and crieing goes natural when you see a fucking hulking shadow standing over your desk. I can't hit them or touch them or look at them. I can't win.
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