Thoughts on Things.

So nothing new has really happened at all, I kind of just exist. I have a therapy session tomorrow. I don't really se a point in going but I might as well, then at least when people see me struggling they can't say I didn't try to get better and fix my life. I just wonder how long I will carry on this struggle and what will cause it to let up (if anything). Everything just feels kind of hopeless like I'm never going to get better, I've kind of come to the conclusion that I just have to do what I want and ignore all else in hopes that things will get better and if they don't then at least I'll be me.

After the whole suicide attempt thing and being saved and stuck here longer I kind of stopped caring what people think of me. This world seems really temporary and so do the people in it. I mean I'm the girl who tried to take her own life why should I of all people care what the world thinks. In that regard attempting to take my life was really liberating, I don't really suffer anxiety issues anymore. In fact I dare say I'm quite confident, no maybe not confident I just don't give a fuck anymore. Though a downside is for some reason I'm always angry, I feel like a pissed off teenager then again in my opinion I have the right to feel that way. I've been raped, abused, beaten, ridiculed, and discarded countless times. and now years later as a result I have developed Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm just one of those people that got fucked up by so many people that there is no fixing me now, it's only "managing" my problems. So fuck the world, and fuck society. I have little concern for it I'll just kick around until my time here is up and then I will cease existing. I can live with that.

I don't really think it's cruel, I mean the world in general is cruel so if anything what I've been through is more or less "normal. Society failed to protect me and it's not surprising nor do I really care. Society is a guise used to give people the illusion of safety in a civilised social structure, however as I've learned not all adhere to that code. There are people who want things and they don't care if it hurts others to get them. I don't know what it was about me that makes me so easy to take advantage of or use and toss away but it's really annoying.

Anyway I need to go to bed, therapy in the morning and all that garbage.

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