It's Becoming Too Much

I missed work today, I had been doing pretty good at hanging on I thought I mean I usually miss a day a week but I was hanging on but today I lost it again. I woke up and the world was a haze, my head ached and I wanted to vomit, the first thing I did when I woke up was put a razor to my wrist, I came so close to cutting I began sliding and it began to bite into my skin leaving no mark, then someone knocked on my door. It was Chris. He asked how I was and wished me well hoping I got better, I could actually see a genuine concern on his face, later looking in the mirror I looked horrid, like some crazy women from a movie... my apartment matched my appearance a horrid mess. The fact he visits me is shocking.

Later I went to meet Shawna, on the way there I stepped on a bird, it screamed in horrid pain, or maybe it was a mouse but I realized later it could only have been a bird. it was dark and raining. I was going to get my medications refilled, I held my head crying trying to catch my breath... I retraced my steps... there was nothing there... just another hallucination, I heard screams of monsters that are not from any movie as I walked the streets getting splashed by inconsiderate motorists. I managed to comandeer 3 tablets of Valium, perhapse it will be good enough to get me to work...

Oh I forgot to mention, I had the strangest sensation today... it was actually horrifying and I hope I can shake it so it never happens. While I held the razor to my wrist I had the sudden impulse to raise it to my eye and slash my eye out, my right one specifically, it was the most terrifying thing I covered my eye quickly in case my arm moved of it's own accord a very logical concern for how my mind has been.

I don't think I'm safe to be alone. I'm a serious risk to myself... however there is nowhere I can go or else I would. All I can do is keep resisting my urges to destroy myself, it is becoming harder and harder for me to manage this... whatever it is. I'm pretty sure it's "Psychosis" or "Schizophrenia" from what I've researched, doctors have speculated it as a high possability aswel. I have to make it to the 28th but even 5 minutes after writing this I could lose myself again and pick up a razor.