I'm sitting here with a razor blade in front of me.It's almost time for work to start and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry... but who would save me? Who can save me? I'm a disaster. I see no other way to go to work than to cut. Cutting is my only option if I want to go to that horrible place, if I am to take abuse from so many customers. To get yelled at by the masses. maybe if I kill myself. I could do it right now. Just grab a bottle and down it. I need an escape. I need to get out I can't do this any more. I'll do anything to get out of here ANYTHING.... but I'm scared to die alone. I don't want to lose Hancel but this job is taking her away. I'm drifting further and further away from her. I'm so scared.
I just can't cut deep enough to make the pain go away. Why am I so afraid. why why why why why why why why why whwy hwy why why why why why why whyw hwy why why why whwyw whwy whwyw hwy whwy whwy
I can't do this anymore I just can't.... no one understands how hard it is, no one knows what I go through every day. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!. I can't deal with that job. even if I don't go today I'll have to go tomorrow. If I don't go tomorrow then the next day or the next day or the next day or the next day until I go back or am fired. WHY CAN"T I DO ANYTHING!!!. I heard a scream
This is a breakdown, I'm having a mental breakdown.... it doesn't feel as good as my other ones this one is murder... this feels like when I tried suicide last time... a hint perhapse. try again maybe....
Ok... I'm calm-ish... my head is throbbing... I have headach pills. I could go get them.... I think they're on this desk.... one pill....just one.....they're in my hand.
Ok I took one. Just one.
I want more. I started laying them on the desk, they're right there for me to take. Just take the bottle and I'm done. I'll never have to go back to that place again and no one would blame me. I mean it's been a long time coming right? Yes it has. If I do it I can be happy. Just another pill... one at a time. Be a good girl and make the smart decision. Take the pills. It's the perfect escape. Come now alice.
