Revolting.

I don't know how much longer I can exist like this. If my existance is so miserable then why am I living it. Why do I even bother staying here?! I wish I could just dissapear to a place where no one knows me and maybe I'd stand a chance at making friends, then again I am quite unsightly so that's unlikely. I'm so pained everyday I'd happily just give myself away to someone who would take care of me. I'm so tired of all of this. I hate it here, I can't accept this cruel world. I am not good at being alone, it fucking kills me every day. WHY ME?!?!

I've decided not to use facebook anymore, I can't take logging on and seeing so many people talking and spending time together,  Making plans with people who never follow through, losing friends and gaining more fake ones... 169 friends and I can't be sure if even 1 of them are real. I resent everyone. I go to work as much as I can it's a miracle I can even make it with the chaos I fight every night. Then at work I try to stay as normal as I can and pretend to be happy like everyone else. "Thank you for calling" "We appreciate you" Being so kind to all these people who look past me and would walk by me if I was laying in a gutter. Why do I live?

The things in the hall were at it again last night, I didn't outright see anything except an illusionary girl at the superstore when I went but the things in the hall let me know they were there. It was the first time I can recall but I heard voices in my head, I've been doing it more since. They had me convinced that if I used a razorblade to cut my wrist open then they would leave me alone, I believed them and I still kind of do. If hallucinations are in my head and my head says they'll go away if I give them my blood then logically since it's the only thing that can take them away doing so will likely make it happen... but I didn't instead I cried and cried and drowned out my tears with sleeping pills to make it all stop. The voices said I would be pretty and beautiful if I used a razor to slice my wrists, they made it sound so wonderful...  As much as I want friends I can understand why they wouldn't want the burden of Alice

I need to try harder to stay away from people.. maybe if I get away from them I won't hope for friends anymore. I've tried the whole "being close" thing but the rejection is unfathomable. I'm thinking about moving... maybe to toronto, there's more people there maybe out of everyone in that big city one person would care about me... just one and I'd be happy, just to be taken in  fuck it, I know that would never happen.  have nothing to offer I'm useless. I'm a female impersinator and a bad one as far as I'm concerned. My chance to be beautiful and truly a girl has long since passed and so have my chances of freedom, happiness, and success. I need to finish the immigration paperwork for my wife, she deserves at least that much. then I'll decide what I do about me and my pseudo-existence

From: Guilty Crown