Psych Ward: Day 1

I woke up this morning to the sound of some women who could barely speak coming through the loudspeaker in my-and all rooms. Since I didn't understand what was said I ignored it as jargan and went back to sleep, only later to be woken by a nurse and Dr Amadula. I was half asleep but knew this would be less than pleasant. Dr A seemed not amused I had bypassed his authority and got admitted. This didn't surprise me as he seemed to have a superiority complex. He went on to comment on how I have two therapists who are not helping me and that it would need to be "re-evaluated". I wanted to do such unspeakable things to this man. I told him that therapists alone cannot fix mental illnesses. He said that I do not have bipolar disorder and am not depressed despite what doctors and therapists may say. He didn't believe I cut until I showed him the long cut down my left arm. He asked if I cut to keep friends around. I denied it angrily since I hide my cuts as they tend to push others away. He commented on how I lack friends and appear "antisocial" and to "rely on relationships for stability". I continued telling him how wrong he was but he carried on asking why I refused eye contact, asking if autism ran in my family. He then summed it up by saying that I'm not sick I just have behavioral problems that I need to work out and stop relying on others. Then he walked out, leaving my world and view on psychiatry and society fucking shattered. I wanted to die more than when I came in. If this was all behavioral and I was expected to control these feelings alone I was done. It was impossible. In a 5 minute conversation every hope I had was smashed and he cheerfully walked off to make more money.

 A nurse asked if I wanted to eat, I refused and refused also to leave my bed as when I looked there was a huge guy pacing outside my room. The nurse calmly said I would have to get up soon. Time passed and another nurse gave me my morning medications. Soon after she left I got up I saw the big guy in the room next to me. "So he was the one crying." I was shocked such an innocent sound could come from him. I walked slowly to the main room and sat behind a pole near the nurse station, my knees hugged tight to my chest. One of the nurses said my old name and reffered to me as "he-she" another nurse hushed and corrected her saying I was behind a pole. I got up angry and asked if I could check myself out as coming here was a mistake, they called Dr A who sat with me and told me to use my time here wisely. I was too scared to argue and asked only that I be allowed to shave my face, a perk I was granted on a trust basis.

For the next I hid in my room eventually I was registered and given a physical where they checked my vitals and my cuts. After a few more hours of questioning my existance mania set in. Suddenly all worries and fears were erased and I was out joking with nurses and going insane with boredom. I spent the day \pacing until Jude came to visit. He brought the first book in the trilogy "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" at my earlier request. He said he had cleaned tmy apartment and cared for my cat, we played scrabble and he found Alice in Wonderland in the unit for me to watch. We witnessed an old lady with dementia freak out at a nurse saying she knew who did it and was going to kill them.

Afterwords I showered and went to bed, OH and made a cutting tool out of a plastic spoon. Oh sweet control.